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One of us is spectacularly wrong.

(127 Posts)
user1471456416 Thu 29-Dec-16 19:19:04

I'm married to a lovely man, he is kind,caring and brilliant dad to our children.
However, he has this horrible habit of not listening to or acknowledging my opinions or thoughts on things. Sometimes trivial, sometimes bigger choices that he just gets on with.
Over many years of marriage this is the only
thing we ever argue about because it makes me feel so inadequate and simply ignored as though my opinion just isn't important enough to be considered.
For example, bigger things such as moving house he will not even entertain because he simply doesn't want to move. I,on the other hand would at least hear him out and at least think about it.
He doesn't even let me finish my sentence before he says no to anything he doesn't agree with.This sends me crazy and I've told him many many times it makes me feel worthless and ignored.
So, the problem. We have a large family and are fairly broke. Everyone's fed and bills paid but little left for luxuries.
I specifically said let's not get expensive gifts for each other for Christmas because we're trying to save for a caravan holiday in the summer. Please could we put any money we had away for the holiday.
I was very clear about this, explaining how we could then have a better holiday for us all.
Despite this, I got a bottle of expensive perfume, which he's bought me several time previously and each time I've thanked him and gently said but please don't buy it for me again and he's gone and spent several hundred pound on a necklace.
I'm so upset! Mostly because he has completely ingnored my wishes again, despite me telling how sad it makes me feel to be ignored. Also he's now really cross and hurt because he keeps saying how he was just trying to do something nice for me.
Something nice would be putting that money in the holiday pot as I asked.
Now I've got perfume I don't like and a necklace I can't return.
But mostly I'm so upset he's just done what he wants again and now I look spectacularly ungrateful.
I can't find the words to express how insignificant I feel when he does this. I know he doesn't do it on purpose but now we've fallen out and I feel crap about myself.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Thu 29-Dec-16 20:49:44

This behaviour of your DH is neither kind nor generous. It's abusive. He's treating you with contempt. I'm no expert but I'm sure someone will be along shortly who knows a lot more than me. I just didn't want to read and run.

Streuth Thu 29-Dec-16 20:53:02

Does. He. See. Who. You. Are?

CalleighDoodle Thu 29-Dec-16 20:59:11

He is not a lovely, kind or caring man. Why do you think he is?

And of course he does it on ourpose. Youve specifically asked him not to do it. So he very much does it on purpose. He sounds like a jerk.

Pallisers Thu 29-Dec-16 20:59:16

If you can't return them, sell them on ebay or equivalent and save whatever you get for what you want. Even if it is 10 percent of what they are worth at least you have followed through.

Not listening to what your spouse wants or cares about on any level is a huge problem and fairly big flaw in a character.

what he is saying to you is "you and your wishes don't matter and I am going to make sure you know this, over and over and over again".

Think about it.

rainbowstardrops Thu 29-Dec-16 20:59:42

I'd be mightily pissed off too! He clearly thinks he is superior to you and that's never a good thing in a marriage.
Just out of interest, why can't you take the necklace back? Is selling it an option?
He needs to be told once and for all that marriage is a partnership and not a dictatorship.

tiej Thu 29-Dec-16 21:04:26

Did you actually agree about presents or was it a unilateral decision on your part? Did he say anything at the time?

Hellofromtheotherside16 Thu 29-Dec-16 21:06:28

Does he know you actually don't like the perfume?

happypoobum Thu 29-Dec-16 21:07:22

Why can't you return the necklace? Is he claiming he doesn't have the receipt?

I agree with PP this looks awful, and he does appear to be a dictator.

pklme Thu 29-Dec-16 21:13:10

Does he have any other non typical habits? It's odd for someone with so many good qualities to fail to respect you in this way. Does he generally behave respectfully?

My DH can be like this. Very focused, doesn't always here what people say. Always right. Averse to change. He can come across as rude, but it's more an inability to appreciate someone else's point of view.

Believeitornot Thu 29-Dec-16 21:13:36

He doesn't care about you.

What happens when he does this to the children?

It's possibly a way of controlling you. Maybe he sees you as beneath him.

And you're left feeling crap because he did something wrong? That's terrible.

You have choices. When he cuts you out, you make sure you finish your sentence. Remind him he's not listening.

Other choices - leave him. Give him an ultimatum. Get counselling.

Naicehamshop Thu 29-Dec-16 21:29:23

Sell them on eBay. Tell him you are going to do this. He doesn't care at all about your feelings - why are you tiptoeing round his?

CalleighDoodle Thu 29-Dec-16 21:32:47

pklme im not sure your excuse for your husband's behaviour excuses you husband the way you think it does hmm comes across as rude but really he just doesnt give a fuck about anybody elses opinon...

elmo1980 Thu 29-Dec-16 21:39:47

My exh was like this. Refused to take my opinions on board particularly when it came to big life changing decisions e.g. when we got married (he made me wait 6 years); where we lived (1/2 a mile from his parents rather than compromising with where I wanted to live); when we had children (I wanted to start trying straight after we got married, he purposefully avoided dtd with me until I had enough and left him) and so on.

I thought he was kind and lovely. He wasn't. He was controlling and abusive and he turned me into a shadow of who I am. I had no say in anything.

Now I'm with someone who respects my opinions, listens to what I think and I treat him with the same respect and it feels like a real partnership.

This is not just a habit this is who he is and it isn't going to change.

elmo1980 Thu 29-Dec-16 21:39:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1471456416 Thu 29-Dec-16 21:43:55

I could probably return the perfume but the necklace would be a credit note.
Maybe I haven't explained clearly enough. He really is a lovely caring man who can't do enough for me and our children and that's the problem. He spends his life doing things for us to make us happy but he's like a bull in a china shop.
I chose a kitchen and he came home with a different one because when he got there he found he could afford a better one.
I was looking for a rescue dog and was struggling to find a good match for us so one day he came home with a puppy to make me happy.
I might ask that he buys me lamb for dinner but he comes home fillet steak as a treat for me.
I Ask for a simple ice cream and he has to buy every bloody sprinkle,sauce and flake too.
He bought me more perfume because he noticed several weeks ago id run out.
He bought me the necklace because I'd recently lost a diamond that he'd bought for me.
He's worked extra hours to pay for the perfume and necklace so it isn't out of family money but I would have been delighted if he'd given me the money for the holiday tin. He tries so hard to make us happy that he listens but doesn't hear me.
The children adore him and there is nothing he wouldn't do for them. He has a very respectful and loving relationship with them. Our older children often compare him to their friends dad and comment on how lucky they are.

Naicehamshop Thu 29-Dec-16 21:43:56

Agree with elmo - this is who he is. He won't change.

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 29-Dec-16 21:46:07

"I can't find the words to express how insignificant I feel when he does this. "

It isn't that you haven't found the right words. It's that he doesn't want to know.

Your views do not matter.

Ellisandra Thu 29-Dec-16 21:47:45

Another one wondering where the kind and caring but comes into it confused

Bloody hell, that's not a minor niggle!

Leaving aside the specific Xmas present issue, he won't even listen to your opinions and leaves you feeling insignificant? No, that's not kind and caring.

But returning to the presents... why can't you take them both back? If he refuses you the receipts, you can get really good prices for perfume on eBay - I got half the price.

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 29-Dec-16 21:47:45

...your views do not matter to him

They matter to anyone who cares about you and respects you, though.

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 29-Dec-16 21:52:46

Being OTT to that degree while actually blithely ignoring you is more about him doing things to feel good about himself, than it is about actually doing the things that would be good for you.

For that, he would have to want to actually listen to you.

Naicehamshop Thu 29-Dec-16 21:57:19

He is either deliberately ignoring you or he is a fool. Sorry - I just don't know what else to say. sad

JennyHolzersGhost Thu 29-Dec-16 21:57:41

a) get him to read up on languages of love

b) marriage guidance

c) if neither of these work I'm afraid you'll have to tell him it's not working out because clearly you are fundamentally incompatible.

JennyHolzersGhost Thu 29-Dec-16 21:58:44

And also - don't be polite about any of it. When he does something that isn't what you asked him for, say flatly 'why did you do that? It isn't what I asked for. No I'm not pleased.'

JennyHolzersGhost Thu 29-Dec-16 22:00:13

'We discussed it and this is not what we agreed.'
Etc
I could go on .... wink

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