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serious marriage issues

(37 Posts)
Imi22sleeping Thu 29-Dec-16 16:39:22

Hi everyone this is a long one but i need someone to tell me what tthey think.....
we met 11 years ago he was my boss with a gf after a few months we fell in loveots of hurt later we ran away to contunie our relationship
got married in 2012 Had baby in 2013 never had a good sex life but its been dead since baby was born. I devloped pnd due to baby been a bad at sleeping even now aged 3 . I became paraniod and kept thinking he was emtionally abusingme It affected my husband and he disnt cope well with it although wascaring. At start of 2015 he decided to lose weight he lost 10stone in 13months and developed an eating disorder he will not get help and i asked his family who told me they werent qualifed to help and i asked his work for help they screwed he over and told him. he is in a really bád way he takes in all out on me we have been through it we argue every day and when he talks about food i get so angry. He has to be in charge of the food he likes to feed me and child all the time .evry foof converstqion desents into chaos He goes out exceriaing every morning so i wake up alone every day he can be really nasty his moods are dreadful. but so can i he said i dont support him but he wont go for help i work from home so do the childcare but he treatens that if i left hed get my daughter. We are moving to a village in the new year and im so scared . He wants to be with us allbthe time and it does my head ineven our little duaghter gets upset when we shout he used to be my life but hes changed so much. I went to town ealier i said id be an hour and when i got back he said you said youd be 30mins he knew i had loads to do this morning i said do u want anything to eat or drink he said no and then said did make youself a tea but his brain is always somewhere else. Im so sad does anyone have any ideas is he being ea? Am i?

ariana1 Thu 29-Dec-16 18:34:59

sounds awful - you need to get away - try Women's Aid

Imi22sleeping Thu 29-Dec-16 22:49:14

Do u seriously think that? No one else has said anything? Hes got a eating disorder so i should leave?

springydaffs Fri 30-Dec-16 00:43:27

an eating disorder is like any other addiction - it takes over your life/lives. Only he can do something about it.

You need to separate to protect your daughter. His threat he would take your daughter if you split is an empty threat abusers regularly use to keep their victim trapped. You sound trapped. You're scared and full of dread.

Yes, call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 (call at night if you can because lines busy during the day) or try your local WA office

Womens Aid will support you all the way - they are the experts. They will also suggest you do the Freedom Programme . Can you get to a meeting asap?.

RedastheRose Fri 30-Dec-16 00:48:17

It doesn't sound a healthy situation for you or your daughter ATM. Is it possible for you to take a break, go to visit family with your daughter without him to you a chance to breathe and remember what life is like without the pressure you are being put under. It does sound like he is being EA and you must know things are wrong when you say you are scared of being so much in his company. He needs to get help and unfortunately the only thing you can probably do is give him an ultimatum to get professional help or you will leave with DD. You have to follow through though and mean it.

Imi22sleeping Fri 30-Dec-16 05:38:43

Thank you. I am devestated. I dont want to leave i camt belwuve this is happening. We are out od here on th 12th jan and move to our new house on 19th so i dont no how to do this. Can i just leave take my daughter and not tell him im going or do i need to tell him if i leave can he use that against me getting my daughter?

Notsleepingeveragain Fri 30-Dec-16 05:54:18

Do you live in the UK? Do you have somewhere to go. Are you happy with him and do you think it is a healthy environment to raise your daughter? This is the important question to andwer regardless of if he is actually abusing you (though inflicting his own food issues onto you is definitely abuse) leave him and yes take your daughter.

Imi22sleeping Fri 30-Dec-16 05:56:22

Yes i can go to my parents they live two hrs from here. If i take her can he use it against me

Notsleepingeveragain Fri 30-Dec-16 06:12:08

What do you mean by use against you? Surely he can use it against you if you leave her with him.

People leave relationships and take their children with them everyday it is not about worrying if he can use it against you. You are doing the best thing for your happiness and for the environment of your daughter. If he is abusive then you are doing the right thing by removing her.

Notsleepingeveragain Fri 30-Dec-16 06:14:55

are you scared of him? Or is he just becoming more unbearable to live with. I think iif the latter then you need to clearly communicate why uou are leaving and make some accommodations to see his daughter. If you are threatened by him you need to contact women's aid for advice as pp says

crazydoglady6867 Fri 30-Dec-16 06:57:39

I cannot believe that people are telling you to leave your husband! He has a mental health issue and they shout at each other a bit, no wonder there is so much divorce. OP I would try and get some time just the two of you together and tell this man just how worried you are for him and your relationship and that he needs to get help from a professional or you can see the marriage come to an end. It is ridiculous that posters are telling you to just leave him without trying to help him and yourself to sort this out. I have had a husband with very similar issues and yes I did have to threaten to end the marriage if he didn't try to sort himself out and thankfully we managed to come to a wonderful compromise where exercise was concerned and we are now 10 years down the line and very happy. Please don't leave this man if you love him just keep talking and try to understand each other but try to stop point scoring and shouting especially in front of your daughter.

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 30-Dec-16 07:17:51

Except that he doesn't just have an eating disorder: he has an abuse problem. And OP's child is suffering and needs to be taken out of this toxic environment if she is to develop in a healthy way.

crazydoglady6867 Fri 30-Dec-16 07:36:09

Nowhere does the OP say her daughter is suffering and he is not beng anymore abusive than the OP is admitting to being herself. You know sometimes we are horrible to each other and this case is caused by MH issues on both sides and can be fixed it is not the end for this couple, with professional help it should be just the beginning. I am so shocked at how often people are told on here to just walk out of a marriage at the first sign of trouble.

Backt0Black Fri 30-Dec-16 07:49:39

Come on. 'First sign of trouble'. He's is being dangerously manipulative and controlling and while he may be ill it is still damaging.

OP had made a few hints at her thoughts of leaving. Clearly she is unhappy. It's is the husbands responsibility to get help. Not the OP's responsibility to take whatever he throws at her (what ARE you on about point scoring???)

crazydoglady6867 Fri 30-Dec-16 07:58:53

I mean that when you have two people both with MH issues there will be point scoring. As a MH professional I do know that this is the case. Living with MH issues is hard work for everyone involved and should not be ignored. If everyone who is unhappy and felt like leaving, left their partner then, God help us all!

Imi22sleeping Fri 30-Dec-16 08:00:48

Dog lady ive pmed you

Notsleepingeveragain Fri 30-Dec-16 09:08:48

I am. Lt part of the LTB brigade doglady but I am a part lf the eating disorder abusive ex behave and I was a lot happier single than with him. Hence why I asked if OP was happy or felt threatened.

OP if you want to save your relationship, then you need to work out what you are willing to tolerate and draw a line (although using terms like "i am scared" and "he does my head in" etc etc inyour op it doesn't read like that to most people - hence the Suggestions on how to leave.

Communication here is important.

Imi22sleeping Fri 30-Dec-16 09:25:06

Im not happy but not threatened i feel lost and confused i think x

mummytime Fri 30-Dec-16 09:34:29

. If everyone who is unhappy and felt like leaving, left their partner then, God help us all!
If you are unhappy, really unhappy not momentarily cheesed off then why shouldn't you leave?
They may be both happier and much better parents apart.

OP if you are doing the majority of the childcare, and are in no way causing major harm to your child (which if you were then why hasn't your husband removed her from harm) then there is no way he will be able to remove your DC from you. Although he will get some form of contact.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 30-Dec-16 09:48:53

So he has an eating disorder
He can’t even have a conversation with you about food without it ‘descending into chaos’
You don’t have sex and haven’t for years
You think he is emotionally abusing you
He won’t get any help
You argue every single day
He can be really nasty
His moods are dreadful
You do all the childcare
He threatens you with taking your DD away from you
He won’t let you have any personal space
He checks up on you all the time and won’t allow you to just go out and get on with your own thing
He scares you
He’s a feeder making you eat and your DD eat all the time
You know it’s affecting your DD

I’m not sure what more evidence you need to enable you to understand this is very unhealthy for you and your DD.

Get some space away from him for now.
Go to your parents to get some head-space and think things through.

Does he take steroids? You say he is also obsessive about exercise and that often entails steroids.
If he is then that can have a massive impact on a persons personality and moods.

Are you buying the house together?
A mortgage etc.... or are you renting?
Did you want to move to a village?
Who's idea was that?
Do you go out with friends?
Do you have a hobby?

I believe there's probably a lot more to this than you've put here.

And yes, when someone you love has MH issues then you can support them.
But..... Only if they are prepared to help themselves.
You cannot MAKE him get help.
He has to do that.

Like any kind of addiction.
You didn't cause this
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Only HE can do all of those things and he's not willing to even try

You do NOT have to put up with it.
You do NOT have to live with him taking out everything on you
This is NOT your fault!

Go get some love and support from your family and then take it from there.

Imi22sleeping Fri 30-Dec-16 10:00:24

Thanks hellsbells that has made me feel sicker than i ever though wqs possible

BusterGonad Fri 30-Dec-16 10:03:12

I would give him an ultimatum, tell him if he doesn't get help you will leave him. Eating disorders take over and literally make the person someone else. If he's not prepared to try then I guess he doesn't love you or your daughter enough.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 30-Dec-16 10:15:26

I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention.
And they are words taken from your OP.
You wrote those things.
It's hard to face.
It really is.
Take it slowly.
Take your time.
Think things through.
But this is YOUR life and you only get one go at this.
You should be happy. We all deserve happiness.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 30-Dec-16 10:24:20

I'm sorry you had such a stressful time with PND and now it seems your husband has become more controlling as the relationship has gone on. Too rapid weight loss isn't good for us and if exercise has gone beyond normal limits of a hobby then it's not surprising if his temperament has changed in the past year.
I see you mention your DD has been a poor sleeper which must affect you both. Moving house is yet another stress factor.

His relationship with food is starting to impact on you and your daughter. It is possible to become fixated on something to an unhealthy degree and act differently at home but still behave normally in other circumstances.

Pregnancy and looking after infants can make us emotionally, physically and financially vulnerable. If following your PND he started to suffer with depression or some kind of MH illness then he might not be able to recognise his own problems. He might very well convince himself you are the one with a problem.

Health visitor care continues until your child is five years old. Health visitors work closely with GPs. Have you described to your HV what he is like?
You refer to your inlaws, but do you have told your family what's happening? I would put them in the picture first.

I would consider having a break from each other, make arrangements to get away from him for at least a long weekend. Contact Women's Aid without fear of him finding out or interrupting.

Think long term and the kind of environment you want your little girl to be brought up in.

It may not come to complete separation but don't think you have to trundle on getting ever more unhappy. You have options.
Why does he think he would he get your daughter if you leave? You are her primary carer.

IF you get to a point where you can't see yourself staying with him then I would advise you to seek advice before you do anything and certainly before telling him you want to end the marriage. Visit CAB if there is one near you, go onto websites such as Moneysavingexpert.com and use their benefits calculator, or Shelter to see about where you might live.

Imi22sleeping Fri 30-Dec-16 10:35:47

I told my family in the summer i was leqving they were qmazing but i decided i needed to stay and help him. I just want my big fat husband back im just so sad

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