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How to handle ex-H moving on

(17 Posts)
user1481334936 Thu 29-Dec-16 14:59:30

you still have feelings for them? We divorced 5 years ago after 10 years of trying to make it work. We have 1 DS (11). But we've always still been trapped in this not moving on stage. We both agreed at the time that we are incompatible, mainly we had a communication breakdown since he's not british born - he comes across very harsh/critical but it seems it's just his accent/culture. I always wished I could be more like the women from that culture who simply take it like water off a ducks back and/or are as equally sharp.

Anyway, he's always still wanted me back and I too wanted to be with him if we could find a magic wand and dispell all our previous problems. We both always wanted to have children with the same mum/dad and don't really like the idea of having half children with others but despite several rounds of trying again we couldn't quite make it work and felt it unfair to DS to keep getting his hopes up and letting him down over and over.

Alas, he's finally found the strength to move on - he has a gf who I presume is serious since its the first one he's ever bought DS around and she is there everytime DS goes to visit. DS is pretty shy so he does find it awkward that he isn't just alone with his dad anymore but he's a good polite boy and handles well. I however am not handling this very well.

I guess I knew this time would come and when I'm in a more positive state of mind feel a little relief and that this is for the best. And, other times I feel depressed and upset that he's moved on, I always wanted it to work but for whatever reason we couldn't. I also sometimes can't help compare his life to mine and think he's got the better end of the deal. I would not be without my DS but he gets to live the single life and even start over a new family life if he desires to.

I guess it doesn't help that I let myself go a bit the last few years (too much wine and have a running injury so haven't been able to keep up my fitness as I'd like). I am back at school but even that feels a struggle since I commute 1hr20 each way four days a week. I'm renting and can't see how I will buy a place at least until my studies are over and a get a better job. I'm also 37 and read all these stories about how hard it is for women in late thirties to meet guys. Not that I'm ready to do that anyway, I look and feel like a hot mess.

I made this post a while ago but put it in the wrong section :/ At that time I had not spoke with Ex-H about the situation but we had to make arrangements for xmas and he still thought he was welcome to come to have xmas dinner with me, DS and my family O.o which I felt would be uncomfortable, I had asked that he see DS on boxing day instead. He kept insisting that he come to the point I had to tell him the truth, that it would be too painful to see him in my family house, things have changed etc...

WE ended up having a long face to face conversation where he basically said he was still thinking about coming back to us but he doesn't want what happened before to happen again. I was very honest that I don't know that it would work if we tried again but that I very much wish it would. I don't know if he was looking for more reassurance than that but I don't have that to give anymore than he does. He stuck to the new boxing day agreement and we havent spoken again about the situation. I am presumming that he is continuing his relationship since DS said she was going to be there in the evening as ex-H was having a small party that night.

I've resigned myself to just working on myself and creating a better life for me and DS. Trying to love myself more and work on issues I have that may have been making me more irritable or hard to get along with.

That said, it still all hurts like hell and my mind wonders back to it often.Can anyone offer any words of wisdom or kindness about this?

Sorry tis long and rambling :/

Also, sorry if I'm still called user something... not sure if I know how to change my name :/

user1481334936 Fri 30-Dec-16 03:23:00

I can't sleep, so one last try for interaction with anyone who might understand even a tiny bit or give me a kick up the azz or something.

MsMims Fri 30-Dec-16 03:33:29

I'll go with the (kind) kick up the ass. You gave the relationship more than enough time to work, second chances etc. In fact it seems you were both very committed to making it work but in spite of this it didn't. You've done the right thing for your DS and yourself by finally drawing a line under it. Sadly loving someone isn't always enough. All the wishing it would work in the world doesn't mean it will.

I think he has been quite cruel to both you and his new partner to dangle the old carrot of getting back together. Really not fair of him.

You gave it your best shot. I would focus on looking after yourself in any way that makes you happy for now. The studies and commute sound intense but maybe after that you'd be open to meeting someone new? You've spent a lot of time either with him, or trying to make it work with him. I would invest future time in finding someone more compatible.

Hermonie2016 Fri 30-Dec-16 04:33:13

You have tried and if you could make it work it would have.Sometimes people are in your life for a short time, not your lIfe time.

It's important you move forward rather than live in your past.Your 30s can be a great time.I loved being single then.

New Year is an opportunity to think differently.What can you do to make one change? YouTube is full of life coaches that can give you inspiration to follow through on weigh loss or exercise.

Everytime you reflect on your ex have in your mind the examples of when it didn't work, the way you felt when he spoke to you harshly.Remember how you felt, you deserve better.

You can still have a great life as you are taking steps to improve it, you are putting in the hard work now and the rewards will come.Trust that your future will unfold beautifully for you.
I think cutting your ex out of your future is a major step as you have not really been single as the door has always been open.Closing it will feel painful but you have to have a space in your life for someone else to come in.

Aussiemum78 Fri 30-Dec-16 04:56:13

I'll confess that despite leaving my ex and being 100% sure it was a good decision (he was abusive) I had similar feelings when he very quickly moved on (only a few weeks since he tried to get back with me).

For a few months I felt jealous and resentful (same as you I got all the child responsibilities, he was "free" to date). In the relationship he blamed me for everything so seeing him happy with someone else was hurtful.

But my emotions caught up with logic eventually. This girl has a man who is rebounding, is not a good father and who will eventually abuse her. Your ex is still playing with your emotions so can't be a good partner to her!

LemonSqueezy0 Fri 30-Dec-16 09:55:45

This relationship is not one that will work. And you know that. Stop looking at it and thinking it might-it's been 10years! Focus on your health - both physically and mentally and don't let yourself wallow in the old relationship. Focus on yourself, with the hope that the person you might spend the rest of your life with is St the next event, or party, or lecture... make your life as happy and fulfilling as you can, with a relationship as the cherry on top, not the be all and end all. You'll enjoy your life so much more that way.

user1481334936 Fri 30-Dec-16 18:29:55

oh wow thank you so much for the responses! I've been feeling so alone in all this, as you can imagine since this has been an ongoing relationship for so long. Most of my friends and family do not really want to hear about it anymore and so I've been trapped inside my own thoughts and feelings about it. Such a relief to have someone hear and understand smile

MsMims - You are so right loving someone isn't always enough. Damn disney and their love stories! Yes the carrot dangling wasn't nice, was it? But I do think he's probably as confused as me and yet putting a stellar effort into moving on. One of us has to. Although, I would like to think I'd have handled it a little more graciously. And, certainly wouldn't have expected to be invited to his personal familys home for christmas. With that, I felt like he came in my cave (when I was trying to be polite and turn him down gently) he kept persisting until the dragon came out and burned him. I guess at least we have set the record straight about that now and we had that final chat. I would be open to meeting someone new when I'm a bit more myself yes. So I guess that is what I need to work on!

Hermonie2016 - "Sometimes people are in your life for a short time, not your lIfe time". This bought a tear to my eye :') So true. I usually love the new year, it is a great time to think differently! "What can you do to make one change?" I've been given the go ahead from physio to start running again, so I want to bite the bullet and begin again. Also, healthwise, I used to be into juicing and really health conscious, so I'm going to dust off old books, vids, forums I used to be into and engage with all that good stuff again. Yes, you're right. I hadn't thought of it that I wasn't really single since that door was open, if not revolving. I need to change the locks and start looking forwards.

Aussiemum78 - "he very quickly moved on (only a few weeks since he tried to get back with me). " Yes! Only a few weeks before we discovered he had a gf, he had been asking us to plan a holiday together. I think this caused more shock than if it had been during a year when we weren't entertaining each other. He claims my reluctance was what gave him the drive to move on. I think the speed at which it happens (despite the on/off 5 years lol) is what causes some turbulence. Definitely hear you on the jealousy and resentment. There is definitely some thinking that he will be kinder/better/easier to get along with - with the new woman. Self blame I guess? There's something wrong with me type thing. Which is bogus I know, he had years to change and if anything he seemed to get worse, not better because alone he now can be totally selfish and not have to watch his graces for anyone. Yes, the ex is being a bit dicey with the other woman by entertaining the idea of getting back with us. Again though, not to make excuses for him, I do think he's finding it difficult too. Maybe she is a sort of rebound (if you can call it that after all this time lol) but he is fiercely loyal once he catches feelings (just from how he has been with me) so maybe now I'm withdrawing my attention, it can work out for them. (See sometimes I can think positively about all this lol)

LemonSqueezy0 - "Stop looking at it and thinking it might-it's been 10years! " Well, when you put it like that... :D Yes you are right. No more wallowing! And I love that idea about thinking the person I could spend the rest of my life with could be at the next event, party or lecture. Gave me goosebumps. I've not thought anything remotely like that in... well all my adult life. I'll keep that in mind, when I'm feeling upto it! But yes, from here it has to be about creating a happy and fulfilling life for me and DS.

Wow, this has turned into an essay of a reply but I just feel so relieved. Thank you all so much. I definitely feel more optimistic. Now to start figuring out how to implement this stuff.

monicabling Fri 30-Dec-16 18:53:54

ps - finally worked out how to change my name from user >.< not great but I am watching a Friends marathon

Hermonie2016 Fri 30-Dec-16 19:08:55

You sound great, no resentment and have compassion for your ex.

I really hope you find peace and happiness in 2017.

SandyY2K Fri 30-Dec-16 19:43:14

You've both given it your best shot. The only suggestion would be relationship counselling, but after 10 years of trying and 5 more post divorce, I can't help think you're not meant to be together.

Some people never should have together in the first place, because they're just incompatible.

LemonSqueezy0 Fri 30-Dec-16 20:51:13

Im glad you took it on the spirit it was intended - I truly hope you are able to move on, and find the love of your life. Don't give up hope, and don't assume you've already met him and you need to make it work. It shouldn't be that hard. You should always think you are about to meet the love of your life and be as happy and self fulfilled as you can be before that happens. Your ex isn't the love of your life, someone else is wink

Livelovebehappy Fri 30-Dec-16 21:01:11

It shouldn't be such hard work to be with someone if you both love each other and are both compatible with each other. Being together should be just a natural thing, and if it isn't, and you seem to have had several attempts, then it's clearly not meant to be. Him finding someone else is a blessing because it now frees you to move on yourself. Whilst you were both unattached, there was always that hope that maybe you would get back together permanently, so were both in limbo. Embrace the start of the New Year OP, and start to make plans for yourself and your DS in 2017 - hobbies, days out, pamper days with friends or family.

JennyHolzersGhost Fri 30-Dec-16 21:10:54

OP I have nothing to add to what others have said, except that:
- time to start afresh and that's a good thing, think of all the lively possibilities and what you want to be! ;
- you need to draw a line with your ex and you know that I think. Boundaries are going to be important in the next few months, while you readjust. It sounds like you're good at asserting that though so I am sure you will do fine grin

flowers to you. Keep posting. Lots of help and shouty truth telling available as needed grin

JennyHolzersGhost Fri 30-Dec-16 21:11:39

*lovely possibilities. However I hope they are lively as well.

monicabling Sun 01-Jan-17 01:21:11

You lot are just the best. Thank you all so much <3 And, happy new year to you all. I had a quiet few drinks with my cousin,DS and her DC. Whilst they were all upstairs playing, me and my cuz did lots of brainstorming (she is also single but resigned to be so) about what we want for 2017. We made lots of plans and also have a little tradition of writing on a paper what we'd like to have happened by NYE the following year and we put it in an envelope to read next year and reflect. So super pumped at the moment.

Ex-H, sent me a Happy New Year message so I replied in kind and you know what. I meant it! Let's all just crack on and make the best of this life we have been given. Can't thank you all enough for the gentle kick up the hiney.

monicabling Sun 24-Dec-17 01:20:35

Almost a year later... I am more comfortable with EX being with OW. Although, they've broken up a couple times this year ( DS informed me of the various ups and downs). I realize the fact my ears prick up at this info means I'm still invested on some level... But I'm more concerned how long it's taking ME to work on myself. I have done a TON of emotional work with various therapies. Even though I feel a lot stronger. I am still overweight I can't seem to do anything about that no matter how hard I try. I need to look at this. And, I don't feel able to date until I lose weight. I think when I'm slim, I'm extremely attractive and when I'm chunky I'm hideous. I know this is just a belief but I can't seem to shake it. This year I hope to work out how to lose weight and really try to meet a man whom I am compatible with. I've lots of thoughts about who I deserve but I am thinking someone like me. Funny, positive most of the time, maybe a little chunky but with a nice face. God maybe I still have issues to work out in all areas regarding relationships lol. Just wanted to update a year later, sorry if I've not improved massively. This is just where I am.

Weezol Sun 24-Dec-17 01:45:41

You sound like you have achieved a lot in just a year. You have done things the right way round - you're more likely to loose the weight now that you've done the counselling.
You have been through a lot. A couple of years just for you to do you before dating again is a good plan and will pay off in the long run.

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