Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do I need to get a grip ?perspective needed

(18 Posts)
Forestgrump Thu 29-Dec-16 14:06:08

First time for everything so here goes.

Used to live abroad,Mum still lives there.Go back couple of times a year to take children to see her and their father (My ex who also lives there).Last year was introduced to friend of my mum.He has been a good friend to Mum and stepfather and has helped them out many times.Have seen him around several times since then but on last visit to see Mum I bumped into him in the town and we went out for a drink on our own and we got to know each other a bit better .He kissed me but nothing else happened as I was leaving 2 days later.I found myself attracted to him and since I returned home we have been in touch on messenger and whats app almost everyday.
He initiates contact everytime and we have got to know each other really well despite the language barrier and a few misunderstandings along the way.In October I flew out to meet him for a long weekend.We had a lovely time and talked about when we could meet again.Since then we have still maintained contact.He has told me he really likes me and misses me.He has been married twice before and has said he doesnt want to marry again but wishes we had met years ago as he would have married me.We have both said we just want to enjoy the time we can have together until he retires in 5 years.We have been talking about meeting up in January/February.
During our conversations he has told me that he is 'fragile' and sometimes he feels sad.Sometimes he says he feels so so.He often seeks re-assurance that I like him.He doesnt normally drink but has on one occassion and told me that sometimes he needs to let go and forget things.
He is a Policeman and lately has had more responsibility and working extra hours/days to cover shifts.There is a high terrorist threat in his country and no extra staff to help out.Sometimes he has worked 24 hours at once.He never gets a day off.
Anyway in the last few weeks he has gone really quiet.From hearing from him everyday, I dont hear from him for about a week until I contact him.I understand he can be busy ,work etc and have never asked him why he has not been in touch.He normally responds to messages straightaway and talks as normal but then there was nothing for a week again.
The last time was about 10 days ago.I hadnt heard from him for a week again so contacted him to see if he was ok.He chatted as normal for a few minutes but this time I asked him why not been in touch,did he not want to talk with me anymore ?
He said he is ok ,He just needs to 'Listen to Himself'.I asked does that mean he doesnt want to talk anymore and he said I didnt understand him, he just needs to listen to himself.I asked what does that mean and he said 'Like a rest'.
He said he feels sad,there has been a lot of trouble in his country and he has had to work extra hours.I said I was sorry he was sad and he said his 'mind is mixed' which I took to mean confused.I said I didnt know what I could say now and he just said 'Im tired I need to sleep,see you by bye'.
I felt a bit peeved for some reason and just replied 'I'll say goodbye then.See you take care x'
I sent a message the next day just to say 'I hope you ok'.I havent heard anything from him since then which was ten days ago.My mum has mentioned she hasnt seen or heard from him like she normally does although she doesnt know that we have a 'relationship'.
Apologies for long story.I suppose I am just wondering is he really taking time out in his man cave and will he come back ? or is it me that is the problem and things have cooled off.I am so tempted to contact him but am aware that if he really needs space I should leave him be.I just want some clarification that we are ok as I do really like him.What should I do ?

SparklyMagpie Thu 29-Dec-16 16:13:11

I would back off from texting again and give him some space.

He knows how to contact you, you don't want to risk pushing him away.

I can't reply properly at the minute my toddler is running round, but if your mum hasn't seen much from him and she doesn't know,then it sounds like he possibly is taking time for himself

Let him have his space and I'm sure he'll be in touch soon smile

Forestgrump Thu 29-Dec-16 17:06:16

Thanks for taking time to reply Sparkly Magpie.I can remember what its like with a toddler rushing around smile.
I will resist the urge to contact him and hope that he comes back.I was worried I hadn't shown much concern or asked him why he was confused or needed space.I did wonder if he may be depressed though as he has had times of feeling sad and sleeping a lot (although this could be tiredness)

fallenempires Thu 29-Dec-16 17:40:06

Hmm sounds like depression to me,coupled with the job which is hard at the best of times but particularly hard at the moment as many are being recalled to duty.
I think that all you can really do is just be there for him in the background as hard as that is.NYE would be a good time to send a message as it's what everybody does isn't it so doesn't put him under too much pressure.
Depression affects people in different ways.Men are more likely to retreat into themselves & it may seem that they are pushing those closest to them away.I think it's their way of protecting their loved ones,the fact that he hasn't been to see your DPs also indicates this.
When & if he will re-emerge is hard to say.He should be able to access help through the job but this is very much down to him.
Do remember yourself through all of this though you must ensure that you're kind to yourself.flowers

Forestgrump Thu 29-Dec-16 18:16:04

Thanks Fallenempires. The more I think about it. the more I think he could be depressed.Unfortunately in his country there is no access to help through his job.He isn,t even paid for the extra work he does.
I know he doesnt enjoy work anymore and is looking to retire early which he can do if he can set himself up doing something else.I think maybe this has been a worry for him too as he needs to earn enough to be able to do it.
I guess maybe it could not be about me at all and I've been over analysing what I've said and done looking for a reason .

Forestgrump Sat 07-Jan-17 13:17:05

Well I still have not heard from him.My mum told me she still hasnt seen him around and she hasnt seen him on facebook for over 2 weeks when he normally posts things everyday
.She said she had a brief happy new year text from him and since then he has posted on facebook. A quote about loneliness is dangerous and addictive,once you see how peaceful it is you dont want to deal with people.A friend of his has commented and said its just like him.
I cant help myself analysing everything and wondering should I reach out to him if he is genuinely sad/depressed/confused or should I still leave him be.?
Part of me is thinking maybe he doesnt want this kind of "relationship" anymore and its his way of moving on.My friend advised me to send him a message just asking how he is.One way or another I will know where I stand with him and I can move on if needs be.

donajimena Sat 07-Jan-17 13:20:43

I think you already know where you stand. Nowhere sad

nicenewdusters Sat 07-Jan-17 13:29:10

I think ultimately if people want to be in touch they will do whatever is needed. If he is going through difficulties there's not a lot you can do at such a distance. It's sad if you felt there was the potential for a relationship there, but it sounds like very hard work. D'you really need or want that in your life?

Forestgrump Sat 07-Jan-17 13:44:01

Yes I guess deep down I know where I stand but I suppose I cant accept that he would just leave it like that.Actions speak louder than words and like you say, ultimately if he wanted to contact me he would.
.I'm sad as its the first time I've been attracted to someone and opened my heart a little since my divorce 6 years ago.I think I enjoyed the attention and felt attractive again.Realistically you are right it would have been hard work and probably would have gone nowhere.
I guess its better to find out now.I feel like I should wrap up my heart in cotton wool again and put it back in the box sad

fallenempires Sat 07-Jan-17 14:17:25

He sounds very ill from what you've posted.The huge problem with the illness is its' selfishness,it makes you become a self absorbed and isolated person.Whether this is because you just haven't got it in you to want to interact with others or because you feel that you don't wish to drag others down with you I think depends on the individual.What I will tell you though is that it is very hard on those who care.
Really it's up to you if you choose to be there for him long term or if you choose to draw a line under it and move on.Could your parents possibly contact him & ask him round?He sounds as though he has a good relationship with them and might just open up to them.

nicenewdusters Sat 07-Jan-17 18:08:31

Don't put your heart back in it's box OP. It's had a good outing !

You felt attractive, spent some good times with another person, and have a few more life experiences. You didn't do anything wrong, it's maybe just not meant to be. You could say this was a gentle introduction. You don't have to see him again, he's not mixed up in your life, so you can move on hassle free.

I'm sorry it's not worked out as you wanted it to. But he knows where you are, so who knows what the future brings? flowers

piginboots Sat 07-Jan-17 18:18:09

It sounds like he is having a really tough time and genuinely needs some space. Whether that means he is not in a place to have a relationship right now is something only he can decide. Equally you might decide that helping someone through such a bad patch (and who can tell how long a bad patch it will be) at the very start of the relationship is not what you want and to call it a day.

I think donajimena is being a bit dramatic. He may well genuinely care for you but life is tough sometimes.

Hope it works out well, whatever you decide flowers

Ilovecaindingle Sat 07-Jan-17 18:24:08

Sound to me like he is wanting more than he is prepared to let you know atm. . He said if he had met you when he was younger etc. Maybe he is worried his job and the miles are too much to expect you to cope with if he let things get serious between you. Maybe his age is also playing on his mind if he is a bit older? Sounds like he does need space to gather his serious thoughts - I wouldn't count yourself single just yet. .

Forestgrump Sat 07-Jan-17 19:39:38

Thank you everyone for your replies flowers .You speak very wisely and in fact are echoing the thoughts I have had about it.A few times he has told me he gets sad and has problems sometimes.He has said before that I am not a problem for him but not on this occasion.He has mentioned before the distance we face and said what can we do.I am here, he is there.It makes him sad.It could be an age thing although actually he is younger than me by 7 years.It could be anything really and as he hasnt told me whats going on in his head Im left trying to work it out from the little that he told me.
I suppose really it is up to me what to do now and I think I will take whatever course of action ultimately makes me feel better about myself and leaves me with no regrets about anything.I just need to think now what and how I will do it.

fallenempires Sun 08-Jan-17 00:14:52

Oh Lovely, hand holding here for you.It's an awfully sad situation to be in in your shoes.The illness not only takes the sufferer but the sufferer's loved ones.It is entirely down to you how you want to proceed it's nobody's place to judge what you decide to do.I would again try asking for support from others who know him & care for him possibly he may open up and admit that he isn't well & take the steps to get the help that he needs.IMHO from the distance & radio silence that's all that you can really do realistically.I think that you can at least feel that you've exhausted every option available to you.As I've posted before you also need to remember to be kind to yourself through all of this,your health and well-being need to be recognised
flowers

Forestgrump Sun 08-Jan-17 12:00:07

Thank you for your kind words Fallenempires flowers wine .

Aquamarine1029 Sun 08-Jan-17 12:22:15

Leave him be and move on with your own life. He's clearly not relationship material.

fallenempires Sun 08-Jan-17 14:10:59

Forest how are you feeling today? Have you had any more thoughts about how you want to proceed?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now