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Huge huge row with parents on Xmas day

(81 Posts)
Sharpasknives Thu 29-Dec-16 11:34:30

Short back story, I'm an only child,, always had a difficult relationship with my mum, esp as a teenager when she would read my diaries, didn't agree with some choices I made, but I have just learnt yo deal with her behaviour, always having an opinion on everything I do, nothing is right. About 10 years ago they both moved 150 miles to be closer to me and the grandchildren, now 12 and 13. I never asked them to move, bit supported them. They've never settled really but would be unhappy if they'd stayed as they wouldn't see much of the grandkids.
I've always had a better relationship with my dad.
5 years ago I got divorced which I couldn't have done without them being close to help me. That was a disappointment to them but me and ex have a good relationship.
Just recently, mum has been very difficult , putting the phone down on me as she didn't agree that the boys should see their dad on Xmas day.mi felt they should and they wanted to.
So Xmas day, dad started crying, I've never ever seen him cry, proper sobbing saying mum had to,d him stuff I'd done as a teenager and he couldn't believe it.( drinking, smoking, lesbian flings)
It was horrendous . Luckily the kids had gone.
I just know how to proceed . They have helped me financially but it's with condition, eg - give me money for carpets but they have to have a say in what I choose.
I do love them but my mums constant criticism of everything I do just wares me down, and now she's upset my dad - no reason to bring things up from 25 years ago.
Just needed to vent

GloriaGaynor Thu 29-Dec-16 11:44:53

Drinking, smoking and lesbian flings? None of his business.

He needs to get a grip.

GloriaGaynor Thu 29-Dec-16 11:45:19

You were a normal teenager and he's crying about it years later?

Sharpasknives Thu 29-Dec-16 11:45:56

Yes .....

Cirrusly Thu 29-Dec-16 11:46:50

I agree. I'd have laughed if I was him. Drinking smoking lesbian flings! Nothing sounds terrible. I feel for you they sound terribly controlling.

AhNowTed Thu 29-Dec-16 11:47:10

Drinking, smoking and lesbian flings?

Who hasn't !!

You know the answer OP, they are way too involved and you need to stop over-sharing as they can't handle it

gettingtherequickly Thu 29-Dec-16 11:47:35

Most odd, you sound like a normal teen to me, why would it upset him now? Does he feel that he was a bad parent?

Cirrusly Thu 29-Dec-16 11:47:45

How does she know??

ThePinkOcelot Thu 29-Dec-16 11:52:02

How did your mum know about lesbian flings? Did you tell her?

Kidnapped Thu 29-Dec-16 11:52:03

She read the OP's diaries, Cirrus.

3luckystars Thu 29-Dec-16 11:52:43

Well if that's the worst she can do, she had done it now. Just keep your head together and stop thinking about the past.
You are where you are, and they can be nice or fuck off. you can ignore them if they are upsetting you.

ThePinkOcelot Thu 29-Dec-16 12:03:04

Sorry OP, I did read that she read your diaries. Ignore me!
I think if I were you, I would just say it was years ago and a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then and refuse to discuss any further!

Manumission Thu 29-Dec-16 12:06:57

You could manage without them.

The belief that you couldn't HAS been encouraged as part of the dysfunctional dynamic. At any rate a huge step back from accepting favours is very possible, especially now that both DC are secondary age.

Manumission Thu 29-Dec-16 12:07:39

I'm not sure why autocorrect is doing random caps -sorry.

Bitofacow Thu 29-Dec-16 12:09:18

The issue is broken trust. Your DM violated your privacy at the time and has now told secrets that are not hers to tell. I would struggle to get over this.

Can your dad not see the issue is not what you did but what your DM has done?

Sharpasknives Thu 29-Dec-16 12:23:13

I have spoken to him today and he seems very embarrassed and still a little angry . My new partner was there and witnessed it all

Bluntness100 Thu 29-Dec-16 12:26:45

That's a bit weird. To be crying about a teen smoking or drinking or having a lesbian fling. Something else must be bothering him. I think you need to stop accepting financial help from them and maybe a little distance in terms of how often you contact them will help.

Sharpasknives Thu 29-Dec-16 12:27:34

I should say they are both nearly 80

Sharpasknives Thu 29-Dec-16 12:28:14

They expect a phone call or a visit every day - we only live a mile away

lazarusb Thu 29-Dec-16 12:28:32

I agree that what you did is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Your mother read your diaries all those years ago but she chooses to do the big reveal to your dad at Christmas? Sounds very controlling and toxic. It's none of their business at all.

You can make the break with them if you want to - you are an adult, independent with two growing children. Ask yourself what you really gain from continuing your relationship with your mother. Is it worth it?

Mix56 Thu 29-Dec-16 12:28:45

So your Mum got in a huff over Dcs going to their Dad at Xmas, & subsequently unloaded this teenage stuff in a "I have accepted so much over the years, the dugs, the blablalba".
I would be tempted to ask her if she was proud of herself.... Prime bitchy childish behaviour, unkind & unfair to both you & your Dad.
Your father should not be upset over things that happened 25 years ago & are clearly in the past.
Assuming they have gone home, I would just ignore your mother until she comes to you with a sincere apology

dustarr73 Thu 29-Dec-16 12:29:36

Way to over invested in your life,you survived a divorce your kids are teens.You could easily go it alone now.Just little steps and you will get there.

JigglyTuff Thu 29-Dec-16 12:30:52

Oh FGS - they sound utterly stifling. I wouldn't call or visit them either until they apologised.

They're behaving ridiculously

Sharpasknives Thu 29-Dec-16 12:32:07

Last year I had the children all over Xmas and new year , this year it has been shared equally with mr and their dad . Last year was wrong - he didn't do enough, this year ". We won't see them as their at their dads "
I said they are not your kids - they belong to me and their dad. That's what started all this

3luckystars Thu 29-Dec-16 12:32:16

Can you just say you were writing a book or something and it nap all made up. She is really scraping the barrel here bringing up stuff from 20 years ago. You have to just draw a line and not let them cross it again.

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