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Dd (12) and boundaries.

(48 Posts)
HardLightHologram Thu 29-Dec-16 11:22:52

Can anyone help with some advice?

Dd has no sense of personal space or boundaries. She is constantly using everyone else's stuff. She has just come in my bedroom because she heard me on the phone. I was talking to my therapist. The door was shut. I waved my hand at her to tell her to leave and she plonked herself down on the bed next to me. It wasn't an appropriate conversation for her to listen to but she wouldn't leave the room so I shut myself in the ensuite (no lock) and she came in there!

She walks round the house in underwear. She leaves the toilet door wide open. She tells her 5yo brother off as though she's his parent. She tells me off! She picks her nose and eats it when she's sitting in a room with other people.

Any sign of a shut or locked door and she's in there, either barging in or knocking until someone answers, always for completely ridiculous and not urgent reasons.

She takes food meant for the whole family, e.g. the peanuts we bought to munch on recently, she poured the whole massive bag into a bowl, ate a few and left the rest on the side in the kitchen. No one else can now eat them because of the aforementioned nose picking etc.

We have rules and boundaries in the house and the other two have no problems. I feel like we are constantly pulling her up and telling her off and it makes no difference at all. I must tell her to close the bathroom door (and flush the fucking loo!) three or four times a day.

She takes expensive makeup, the laptop (which is now passworded), my kindle because hers isn't charged, my clothes, hairbrush, anything she fancies. She has zero respect for other people's belongings.

I am just exhausted. I don't want to be constantly on her case, she is bright and funny and affectionate but I feel like all I do all day is tell her off. She winds up her brothers for fun, and even the dog.

I am pretty much at my wits end and I am out of strategies. Please, if anyone has any advice I'd welcome it.

HardLightHologram Thu 29-Dec-16 11:35:20

Anyone? I should also say I'm struggling with what is normal preteen behaviour and what is down to her 'issues' (possible attachment disorder, my MH stuff).

notangelinajolie Thu 29-Dec-16 11:45:49

No advice sorry but keeping a tab on this thread because she sounds exactly like my DD. I wonder if it's a thing?

She's left home now - age 21. She got worse the older she got and was taking things she really shouldn't and one particular thing from her little sister's room was the final straw. Had to resort to a lock on little sister's bedroom door to stop her in the end which was a very sad day for us all but had to be done ☹

Streuth Thu 29-Dec-16 11:46:58

I am sure someone will come along later and hopefully recognise some of the behaviours you mention. They seem a little unusual and specific, so I hope you hear from someone with further insights/experience. It may be a while until that person appears ... Are there issues at school, I would imagine so. Have the teachers said anything? I would also consider seeing your GP.

Finola1step Thu 29-Dec-16 11:49:22

Has she always had difficulties with age appropriate boundaries?

fallenempires Thu 29-Dec-16 11:50:54

Mine is exactly the same it's like living in a goldfish bowl!
Anybody's property or money is fair game and don't get me started about food.
No suggestions(hopefully somebody has!) but you have my sympathy by the bucket load!

HardLightHologram Thu 29-Dec-16 11:54:49

Funnily enough she is great at school, she did have a few issues in primary but is thriving at secondary.

She has always been like this but I think it's just become more apparent as she's got older and I think we expect better of her as she matures. Ds1 is 14 and completely different.

It's heartening to know it's not that unusual though, thank you.

Cricrichan Thu 29-Dec-16 11:57:56

No personal experience but a friend's 12 year old is very similar. My 6 year old understands boundaries better than her. She's a lovely girl and doing amazingly well at school and sports.

I think she may be on the spectrum but very high functioning but I'm not a professional so it's just guesswork on my part!

fallenempires Thu 29-Dec-16 12:02:31

But how do you deal with it? Don't know about you but I'm tired of hearing 'Sorry' when she clearly isn't & doesn't change!

Stormsurfer Thu 29-Dec-16 12:07:36

My DD is also 12 and is exactly the same. She has been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorderand is on the ASD assessment pathway. I have no answers for you as I am struggling with it each day myself, but wanted you to know I totally relate!

notangelinajolie Thu 29-Dec-16 12:09:26

We also didn't have any complaints from school. My Dd would also get angry (ie trying to kick above mentioned locked bedroom door down) but this didn't start happening until she was older - probably age 18 onwards.

In hindsight I wish we had got help from someone in the outside world as it got to the stage where we were all falling out and me asking my daughter to leave. So probably my advice would be to seek help from maybe your GP? I do regret just trying to muddle through.

HardLightHologram Thu 29-Dec-16 12:13:29

She's been assessed for ASD/PDA but was just under the criteria for diagnosis. She's very good at modifying her behaviour around other people so it's only really us that see it.

We have a family support worker and she is seeing a counsellor in the new year through Young Carers so that may help. Or maybe she will grow out of it?

HardLightHologram Thu 29-Dec-16 12:14:01

And yes she is also very angry and reactive.

bert3400 Thu 29-Dec-16 12:14:14

My 14 year old is exactly the same . He drives me bonkers ...but he is very funny with it and what could escalate into full blown war fare normally ends up with us laughing in hysterics . I am hoping he will grow out of it ... My other two boys did . I put it down to nature's way of making us 'go off our kids' so when they leave we are actually over the fucking moon!!

Hellofromtheotherside16 Thu 29-Dec-16 12:37:33

My dd aged 12 is exactly the same. If a bag comes into the house she needs to know exactly what is in it. She goes through my handbag even though she has been told not to since she was a toddler.

We talked about it recently and she said she looked through bags as she wanted to see if there was something for her. It's like a horrible sense of entitlement. She acts like the whole world revolves around her.

The same with food. She is always looking through cupboards and the fridge.

She 'acquires' things too. She will come across something and say, this is mine and will not accept it's not.

When you mention attachment disorder, what do you mean? This is relevant to my daughter too.

HardLightHologram Thu 29-Dec-16 12:42:05

It's something the counsellor mentioned when we had a meeting, she hasn't seen her yet but the counsellor wanted to meet with me first.

We have a complicated family history, her bio dad was abusive and I left when she was two, I had pnd when she was a baby and I've lived with bipolar all my life (only diagnosed a couple of years ago). Dh has been in her life since she was 3 and is a very stabilising influence but I think the damage was done when she was tiny.

fallenempires Thu 29-Dec-16 12:43:31

Self entitlement & being at the centre of everything is normal behaviour ime but I do understand that it seems to be heightened if that makes any sense?

HardLightHologram Thu 29-Dec-16 12:44:29

Funnily enough I've always been an 'attachment parent', breastfeeding to 2years, cosleeping, slings, responding immediately to cries. But she presents as though she has an attachment disorder (nothing diagnosed as yet). sad

HardLightHologram Thu 29-Dec-16 12:45:09

Yes, it's just relentless. I could cope with a bit of it but it's just constant.

Hellofromtheotherside16 Thu 29-Dec-16 12:47:22

Yes to an extent it's normal for all children. However my other child doesn't do it i.e. constantly looking for stuff. Also I think my dd's behaviour is more extreme as it extends to taking things from shops and other people like teachers confused.

Hellofromtheotherside16 Thu 29-Dec-16 12:48:04

She doesn't think rules apply to her.

notangelinajolie Thu 29-Dec-16 12:48:50

OP - could she be bipolar like you? I have often wondered if is was the root of my daughter's behaviour.

Fairylea Thu 29-Dec-16 12:51:13

It's not a proper situation but I would get little locks you can bolt across on your bedroom door right at the top and also in the bathroom. Everyone needs to have an understanding of privacy and having some locks would reinforce that.

Fairylea Thu 29-Dec-16 12:52:23

*solution, I meant.

fallenempires Thu 29-Dec-16 12:54:46

Yes we've wondered if she has been shoplifting too I guess that we will never find out until she's brought home by the police.
Also identify with the lack of respecting the rules of the house and the anger and reactive behaviour.

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