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How do I leave him??

(6 Posts)
user1483004029 Thu 29-Dec-16 09:48:01

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years, unhappily so for the past 3.

We have an almost 3 year old & an 18-month old, a dog (!) & a mortgage. I won't bore you all with the many reasons I'm unhappy, but the crux of it is that since I had our children & became a SAHM, I've also picked up every other job with that responsibility! He goes to work, & he sees that as him doing his bit. I'm grateful that I am able to be at home, but I don't think I realised I was signing up to be the full-time do-er of every other job as well & I'm SICK of it.

He thinks it's ok to not tell me he's planned to go out with friends, & it's assumed I'm always around to care for the kids. I hate him with every part of my being, & have given up entirely on telling him how I feel & him ignoring it. We have been seeing a counsellor but he plays the innocent at every session saying "I just want to be loved" & I think that's been a waste of time too...

How do I leave?? My family have no space for me to move back home, I have no money & I don't know any of my rights...

Can anyone help me please? confused

Thank you xx

hellsbellsmelons Thu 29-Dec-16 09:54:56

What would he say if you told him it's over and asked him to leave?
Would he have anywhere to go?
Can you sit him down and tell him you want a divorce and that entails selling the house and splitting the assets?

Your first port of call should be CAB.
They can advise you on many things.

Google family solicitors in your area and see if any of them offer a free half hour.
If they do then book a half hour appointment, with as many as you can.
Get as much legal advice on your situation as possible.
Get any info together you can. Mortgage details, his wage slips, account information - joint and single, savings, cars, pensions.
You'll need all this to take to the solicitor.

Do you have access to money?
Could you put some away as an escape fund over the next few months, so you at least have something you are working towards?

Cricrichan Thu 29-Dec-16 10:03:28

Hi, have you looked at what you'd be entitled from the government and from him to if you were to split up? Would you like to sell the house or buy him out? Would you consider going back to work?

See what your practical options are and decide what you want to do.

Your situation is the same as mine but a few years and more kids down the line.

user1483004029 Thu 29-Dec-16 10:16:06

Thank you for your posts flowers

Neither of us have anywhere to go, sadly. His Mum & dad are divorced, his Mum being in a financial mess of her own, & his dad having moved away recently.

My dad isn't around & never has been, & my Mum lives in a tiny flat whilst dealing with my autistic sister.

What a dysfunctional family I have - I promise, I am fairly normal really! wink

My partner & I aren't married, & ive been threatening to leave months now. He just throws it back in my face saying "I look forward to hearing about you finding a job" or "so where are you going to go then?" He knows I can't go anywhere...he knows he has total financial control over me, which I predicted when I first gave up work, but didn't follow my instincts. We've just remortgaged our house to free up money for a new car, which we need desperately, & he keeps threatening to cancel the order.

I think my friends just don't know what to say anymore, so I don't tell them how I feel anymore. I feel so totally alone.

Thank you for your advice re:solicitors. I think I need to start looking around. My local CAB are a little useless really & just google everything whilst I sit there...& that's on the rare occasion their offices are open!

We have a counselling appointment this evening, so I was thinking of just asking her to point us in the right direction as to how we separate. It breaks my heart because the children love him, & vice versa but I just detest him & how he makes me feel.

I saw red this morning with him at yet another "oh you'll be at home won't you?" assumption, & practically threw him out of the front door, hitting his chest, which shocked us both...

hellsbellsmelons Thu 29-Dec-16 10:24:40

But do you have equal access to the finances?
If not then it's possible financial abuse.
Discuss that with your counsellor tonight.
And yes, see how you can separate with as little upset to the DC as possible.
Work out what he would pay in maintenance HERE
Work out what benefits you would get.
Is the mortgage in joint names?
It's a shame you aren't married (for financial reasons only)
See how amicable he will be regarding actually splitting.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 29-Dec-16 11:12:36

Can you get a job? Sorry if this sounds glib, but if you are being financially controlled you will only get control back if you have your own income.

Do you have access to bank accounts with CB?

Start to emotionally disengage. Don't do his laundry or anything to enable his life. Live for yourself as much as you can.

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