was advised to post on here not parenting..(22 Posts)
Im 6 mths pregnant with ds2. Ds1 is currently 17 months and will be 22 months when his brother is born. Im really worried about the birth, about life looking after 2 very young children with zero support and a marriage which is already at breaking point.
I am married and used to have a very well paid job until ds1 arrived and i was made redundant whilst on mat leave. We had planned for me to stay at home but i didnt realise how much things would change. My oh and i do nothing but argue. He is disappointed in me because im not a perfect house wife. Hes always been a moaner and veey critacle but im strong and have defended myself. In my current position (pregnant with no financial independance) i feel so weak and vulnerable. I do my best at home and keep things clean and tidy but he criticises me all the time. Im called slovenly, lazy and everything else under the sun. I have had and continue to have zero external support with our son - its so hard getting stuff done but my oh does not want to register that because 'i have it easy and am am lazy and should be doing more'. I have no family support - i dont get on with my mil at all and my parents pay no interest in me or or our lb whatsoever. Since ive lost financial independence its like ive become a lesser person in my oh eyes. I feel extremely alone. He threatens to leave me, tells me things need to change, that im the reason his mother treats him worse than his sibling (because she doesnt like me) etc...
Im really worried that i wont be able to cope when ds2 arrives. If i felt like oh loved me and would help/support me instead of continually putting me down it wouldnt feel so bad. I cant leave as i have no money, no access to money and no means of supporting ds1 and ds2 when he arrives. I feel like im drowning and that ill be useless to both children as i wont be able to meet their needs. Things will be worse in the house as i have little time to do anything as it is so my oh will be on at me even more. I feel ugly and unattractive and as much as i love my lb, i feel like im letting him down by not doing enough with him.
I sit here asking myself if i am the things he says. Am i not doing enough? Am i lazy? Is what my oh saying true? Tbh i really dont knkw who i am anymore. I was expecting change but i wasnt expecting to lose myself like it have. I have very few friends and no close ones as i dont want to tell anyone how bad things are. I cant talk to my family and my inlaws really dont like me at all so there is no support there.
I sometimes feel like my lb would probably be better off without me because im obviously shit at being a mom because of what oh repeatedly drums into me.
I am usually so strong but i literally have nothing left.
You're not at fault nor are you the one letting your child down. Your husband is not your boss either, he's just an arsehole on a power trip.
Your oh sounds like an utter arsehole. Looking after a toddler whilst pregnant is so so hard and you need help and support not derision. Makes me so angry that some men think they can get away with this. You are an amazing person who is growing a whole new life inside them while bringing up a child it's a magical thing he could never do. Look after yourself and your babies in the best way you can, your happiness is linked to their well being! Sorry no better advice hope you are ok
It sounds like you get nothing out of this marriage, I'm really sorry you're going through this whilst pregnant. Its very sad that he can't support you
You feel you have nothing left because your oh is sucking the life out of you. You say if he loved you he'd support you & you're right. His behaviour is not that of a loving partner. He is, as pp said, an arsehole. Your lb would not be better off without you but you would both be better off without your oh.
I know it's not always as easy as just leave but I think you'd find life much easier as a lone parent without the constant abuse from your oh.
You are not gaining anything from being in this 'relationship' so get out of it.
Can you look into day care for your kids? My children all went to a nanny straight after maternity leave was over. They aren't damaged in any way it wasn't my ideal situation but I am a terrible home maker and very good at my job. I am a better mum to my children because I can support them, feel some self worth and get some adult interaction in the day.
If you get some day care and get back to work perhaps you'll find you don't need the man who calls you lazy?
He sounds abusive and horrible. That is no way to speak to your partner ever. It won't get better unless you put him on notice that something has to change or sooner or later you will be driven to leave.
I think you would cope better without your nasty abusive bloke.
When he threatens to leave next time, why don't you let him go?
It won't be easy In your position but why don't you start finding out about how you could survive on your own and make a plan? Get some advice on where you would stand with your house,
finances, tax credits etc.
What options do you have for work in the future? What about study?
I know you are not in a position to do anything drastic overnight but your partner sounds so horrible, I think you would be better off on your own.
I didn't have the same problem as you, but I did have a DH who didn't register how hard running a home while parenting very young children was. My HV told me to wait until DH was off work for a day and then develop acute D & V. She told me to force DH to be in charge of the DC while I lay groaning in bed. Don't get up whatever he says.
Forced to look after his own DC for less than 24 hours, my DH never acted as though what I was dealing with was easy ever again. It was very educational for him.
What moaning said.
Would you like to go back to work? Get back your financial independence and identity?
I also went back to work when my dd was 4 months. I am a single mum so had no choice however I would have done this anyway.
She is now 7, lovely and well adjusted and being a sahm was never who I was.
You'd be taking control back from the asshole that is not supporting you, and you could then support yourself and your dc.
He sounds bloody awful. That's not what relationships are supposed to be like.
Why can't you talk to your family about it?
I agree with Myrtille that looking at going back to work might be a good idea.
What exactly does your (D)H do to support you? Zilch I'm guessing.
Does he help with any of the household chores? Does he take DS off your hands so you can have a rest/bath/tidy up etc etc?
It doesn't sound like he brings an awful lot to the table does it.
Oh love, your husband is emotionally and financially abusive.
Please read these links:
Signs of emotional abuse
The Abuser Profiles
It's really important that you talk to someone and get support. You could call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 (lines are open 24/7) and/or talk to your midwife.
You say you have no access to money - do you have your own bank account? Is the child benefit paid into your account or your husband's?
You may not be thinking about this just yet, but if you divorced your husband, you would be entitled to a share of the marital assets (including property, savings and accounts that are in his name only), as well as child maintenance from him. You would also be entitled to child benefit, income support and child tax credits.
"Why can't you talk to your family about it?"
The OP answered your question in her first post:
"I have no family support - i dont get on with my mil at all and my parents pay no interest in me or or our lb whatsoever."
I found it really hard being pregnant and looking after a two year old. I was exhausted and at no point felt the "glow" I had with my first. I felt guilty for not playing as much with the two year old. Some days I would get home from work and go straight to bed or work from home so I could nap at lunch. And I had a supportive dh. I found things were actually easier when the baby arrived. I felt less tired and found it much easier going from 1 child to two than no children to one. Just wanted to say that just because you are finding it hard now doesn't mean you can't cope with two.
You sound very sad. Your oh sounds like an utter arsehole and I do think you need to think what you get from the relationship and look at options for leaving even if you decide not to. Also, do you think you might be depressed? Prenatal depression can occur so it might be worth mentioning this to your midwife at the check ups.
This situation is horrible for you. Unless your oh realises how he is behaving and changes (unlikely) then you will be in this situation for years unless you empower yourself to make the changes you need to make yourself happy without him.
Firstly I would tell him all of this - show him this thread!
Could you afford a cleaner or helper a couple of times a week? When I was a teenager I used to take my neighbours little boy out to the park for an hour so she could do housework etc
I would tell your oh that when your new baby arrives things will not improve and you will need help and he will need to lower his expectations.
In the long term could you go back to work and use childcare? Start saving for your own financial independence.
In the mean time please don't despair, you are doing a great job as a mother.
Oh for the love of God please do not show him this thread
It's not uncommon that some men feel entitled to act the bully when their partner's are at their most vulnerable. Going back to work isn't necessary a fix because in their entitled eyes, motherhood brings domestic and parental responsibilities that aren't applicable to father's and you'd only be expected to fulfill your domestic and parental responsibilities whilst working.
Your H is a bully and has issues none of which are of your making or in your power to change. Unfortunately, pregnancy has revealed a particularly ugly side to his character which will grind you down until you are a shadow of your former self.
You will cope with two young children simply because you'll have to but it will be significantly harder, with a bully chipping away at your self esteem. There is no acceptable level of abuse and let's be clear, your H is abusing you.
Right now you need RL (real life) support and if family is of no help then speak to your HV and or contact Women's Aid. If your not ready to get outside support please read the links provided by AnotherEmma.
OP you are worth so much more than the miserable excuse for a man you're married to, please, please don't let this bully extinguish the amazing woman and mother you are.
Theres nothing lonelier than being a single parent in a supposedly committed relationship.
please don't show him this thread - that won't help one jot
telling an abuser to change is pointless
So sorry for you OP.
It is tough raising babies and little children and really crap if your partner is not involved, let alone is an abusive dickhead.
I can't help you with your longer term relationship issues, but on an immediate practical note, do you have any friends who can offer you some support and perhaps share childcare ?
Do you go to a toddler group or coffee morning ? Sign up for post natal exercise classes ? You need to reach out and build a support network outside your family.
I also suggest you talk to your midwife and Health Visitor since you could be vulnerable to PND.
Why don't you get on with your own family ? Do they disapprove of your partner ?
You mention you were made redundant while in Maternity leave ? Is that legal ? Did you get a redundancy pay off ?
Do you have grounds for unfair dismissal ?
Sending hugs your way.
Go online and check what you'd be entitled to and make a claim and arrange to rent a somewhere to live. Also check how much he'd have to give you for the kids every month. You'll be surprised at how doable it is.
You'll cope a lot better when you don't have that idiot criticising you plus you'll get you time when it's his turn to have the kids. Since you were a high earner not long ago, when you decide to go back to work, you'll be financially ok again.
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