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Engagement

(16 Posts)
C0rdelia Thu 29-Dec-16 00:48:25

My daughter got engaged on Christmas Eve. We smiled, toasted, drank champagne BUT I don't like him. He snaps if she makes mistakes. He snaps if he thinks she makes mistakes but won't apologise if he's shown to be wrong. I can't give 50p to this wedding. What do I do?

iminshock Thu 29-Dec-16 01:13:22

Don't contribute to the wedding.
Talk to your daughter

C0rdelia Thu 29-Dec-16 01:57:30

I'm thinking of saying that I won't contribute to the wedding but will put money into a house under her name.

GeekyWombat Thu 29-Dec-16 02:01:39

Under her name or their names? Tread carefully OP, I have a friend whose parents tried to give her a deposit for a house with a caveat that it was her money and should be repaid by the husband in the case of a split. Money was refused and irreparable damage done to parent / child relationship, which actually strengthened hold of fiancé now husband who is indeed a dick

C0rdelia Thu 29-Dec-16 02:04:43

I will make it in her name only. I am not paying x thousand pounds for a wedding.

Scooby20 Thu 29-Dec-16 04:43:49

But when she is married it will be his too. Unless they both agree to get some legal documents to draw up.

I agree with pp. Tread carefully because an offer of help with conditions could backfire spectacularly.

MimiSunshine Thu 29-Dec-16 04:55:54

Have you ever told her you'd contribute to a future wedding? Is she therefore expecting a monetary gift?

If not then just don't mention anything, I highly doubt she'll ask and if it does get brought up just say "we're unable to contribute financially but can't wait to help on any other way we can"

If she knows you have money aside for her wedding then I think you need to find a way to talk to her

AyeAmarok Thu 29-Dec-16 04:59:59

It doesn't matter if the house/deposit is in her name; once they're married it's half his anyway. You need to talk to her.

And maybe you'd be better to keep your money and offer it as an escape fund further down the line...

girlelephant Thu 29-Dec-16 05:24:18

How long have they been together? Have you ever discussed with her how you feel about him or has she verb critical of him?

lovelearning Thu 29-Dec-16 05:27:09

I will make it in her name only.

C0rdelia, see a solicitor or accountant who specialises in trusts.

Mouikey Thu 29-Dec-16 05:29:06

Agree with others - why not put it in a trust for her and only her? The only way to protect the money if you want to give it to her now is if both he and she sign papers drawn up by a solicitor. I did this with my hubby to protect a large sum of money in the event we ever divorced. I had no problem with this as it seems perfectly fair - they are in essence protecting his inheritance. BUT they both have to sign so would this be likely?

I certainly would take her out for coffee / lunch and gently express your concerns and ensure she knows she can come to you no matter what and with no fear of 'I told you so'.

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 29-Dec-16 05:51:49

How about just wishing them well, and not contributing anything to the wedding?

It's totally normal these days for young people to pay for their own weddings. I did. I assume they have jobs?

That way you don't need to create a rift with financial conditions, and continue to be a sympathetic shoulder to cry on when her marriage goes pear-shaped.

alvinp Thu 29-Dec-16 08:33:37

My DM couldn't stand my exDW, she tried not to let it show but it did cause tension between us. She was right of course but I wasn't going to listen at the time. And yes the money she helped us buy our house with was lost when we split.

MakeItRain Thu 29-Dec-16 08:36:08

Having been the daughter in this scenario, my advice, if you want her to have a fall back amount of money should things go wrong is to set something up quietly in your name. I wouldn't talk about it to her. Like someone else said, she might not be receptive to hearing it.

If they did ever split, you being able to say "I've got X pounds in a savings account" would be so helpful to her. Lack of funds can be one of the toughest things about splitting.

My mum bought my dress for my wedding. I think in her head she could tell herself it was just for me. I never queried her reasons or expected any money.

My other advice will be to ignore your concerns as much as possible and keep up a relationship with your daughter, away from her home if need be. My mum said she got to the point where she thought she'd lost me, but she never stopped making the effort to see me.

We did split eventually, when things got really bad, and I have a very strong relationship with her now.
Funnily enough we were talking about how it was for her at the time. She said she stopped trying to tell me of her concerns when I snapped at her that it was my marriage and I wanted it to work sad. I think if you're the one on the marriage you blind yourself to the problems and just get cross and defensive if people try to intervene, which can drive your support network away and make you more tied into the marriage, and more vulnerable.

whattodowiththepoo Thu 29-Dec-16 08:40:10

My grandparents invested money instead of contributin to my mums wedding and after the divorce was finalised gifted it to her. It helped her more than you could imagine.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 29-Dec-16 09:33:47

Does he snap at her in front of you?
Because I'd be pulling him up on it every single time.
Just keep talking to your DD.
My DD was with a guy who was a bit controlling and a feeder.
I just kept letting her know, subtly, what I thought.
It was her friends who got her to wise up in the end.
After she ended it we talked a lot about EA and many other things to look out for.
Although I had already told her, it made more sense to her once she had been through it.
Do you know her friends?
Can you talk to them?
Do they see what is happening?
Have they spoken to her about it?
How old is she?

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