I shall prefix this with - I am in contact with a therapist. A GP and getting the much needed support although on a long waiting list for the intense therapy I do need.
Anyway. Long story short. Relative died then current partner (again long story, will soon be an ex) did something monumentally stupid and didn't tell me a major piece of information about his past. Trust broken in an instant.
This broken trust has very much torn open some old festering wounds about my childhood abuse and I am remembering things - able to remember them without breaking down into a puddly mess and shutting down for a few days. The Childhood abuse was physical, emotional and with threats of sexual abuse. I wont go into that here but I can talk about it in a manner I have never been able to before.
my issue is my second relationship I had when I was in my teens/early 20s. I was with a man for 4 years (father to my one DC) we don't have contact.
He hit me once when we were together and I ditched him there and then. Actually threw his stuff out of the window chucked him out in his undies and locked him out and then some in a crazy fog. He called the police who thankfully backed me up. I realise now, 10 yrs down the line, that that was my PTSD being triggered by being hit hence the response.
I think he was emotional abusive, maybe it was him just being an absolute selfish twat. I'm really not sure and know previous clear cut childhood abuse has clouded my judgement at what is 'good' and 'bad' with regards to love and relationships.
He would kick off verbally if I dared go out with friends for a meal stating I couldn't afford it. I was at uni at the time so by meal I mean the weatherspoons curry and a pint deal not 3 course sit down meal! He stopped me from seeing my family. Never in a 'you can't go' but in a more pouty I made plans to guilt trip me into going.
He would create massive arguments. Get me all worked up then walk away and pretend nothing happened.
He would ignore me for hours on end playing playstation and even hit the roof when his console broke and had what I can only describe as a tantrum when I wouldn't let him use mine because I was using it to watch a film.
He was very much MY TV fuck off you can't use it but had no issue using anything I'd brought into our shared home iyswim.
His money was his and I'd have to ask to buy things. He had a massive redundancy payment whilst I was still a uni student. He blew half of it (£400+) on a new tattoo and leathers etc and then expected me to pick up the slack when his wage was lost.
I fell pregnant several times and had repeat miscarriages and he would 'joke' that if I got pregnant again he'd 'give me something so I wasn't'.
I didn't realise at the time me and the pill, Plus a long term chronic illness that wasn't diagnosed at the time, weren't compatible which is why I fell pregnant so often despite taking contraceptives religiously. He refused to wear condoms despite the birth control failures and repeatedly blamed me even though he saw me take the pill daily.
He forced me to have an abortion. Forced in the 'If you don't do it I will leave you' knowing my fears of being a single parent were huge.
would call me 'carrot' thinking I didn't know he was really calling me a moron. Along with some other choice names when he saw fit.
He was threatened by my intelligence and would do what he could to ruin my degree. I nearly, very nearly failed due to severe depression and anxiety and if it weren't for an astute lecturer I would've.
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Relationships
Was this abuse?
bettywhitearse · 28/12/2016 23:01
The app ate what was a longer post (I'm logged in via desktop now - grr!), but Chuck said pretty succinctly in point B! I honestly believe if more women acted as you did, these Relationships boards would have a lot less traffic. 
So, woo HOO to your PTSD! 
Your miscarriage/non- theory - that's chilling. You may well be onto something.
You're right, BWA. Your mother should have been protecting you from a toxic situation. As a mother yourself, you get this. And given the modelling you had to suffer growing up, it's all the more impressive that you broke the cycle of abuse. It takes intelligence, courage and a very real capacity for discomfort to keep yourself from acting the way you were taught to.
So, may I say again. You're mighty and you rock.
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