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Was this abuse?

(12 Posts)
bettywhitearse Wed 28-Dec-16 23:01:50

I shall prefix this with - I am in contact with a therapist. A GP and getting the much needed support although on a long waiting list for the intense therapy I do need.

Anyway. Long story short. Relative died then current partner (again long story, will soon be an ex) did something monumentally stupid and didn't tell me a major piece of information about his past. Trust broken in an instant.

This broken trust has very much torn open some old festering wounds about my childhood abuse and I am remembering things - able to remember them without breaking down into a puddly mess and shutting down for a few days. The Childhood abuse was physical, emotional and with threats of sexual abuse. I wont go into that here but I can talk about it in a manner I have never been able to before.

my issue is my second relationship I had when I was in my teens/early 20s. I was with a man for 4 years (father to my one DC) we don't have contact.

He hit me once when we were together and I ditched him there and then. Actually threw his stuff out of the window chucked him out in his undies and locked him out and then some in a crazy fog. He called the police who thankfully backed me up. I realise now, 10 yrs down the line, that that was my PTSD being triggered by being hit hence the response.

I think he was emotional abusive, maybe it was him just being an absolute selfish twat. I'm really not sure and know previous clear cut childhood abuse has clouded my judgement at what is 'good' and 'bad' with regards to love and relationships.

He would kick off verbally if I dared go out with friends for a meal stating I couldn't afford it. I was at uni at the time so by meal I mean the weatherspoons curry and a pint deal not 3 course sit down meal! He stopped me from seeing my family. Never in a 'you can't go' but in a more pouty I made plans to guilt trip me into going.

He would create massive arguments. Get me all worked up then walk away and pretend nothing happened.

He would ignore me for hours on end playing playstation and even hit the roof when his console broke and had what I can only describe as a tantrum when I wouldn't let him use mine because I was using it to watch a film.

He was very much MY TV fuck off you can't use it but had no issue using anything I'd brought into our shared home iyswim.

His money was his and I'd have to ask to buy things. He had a massive redundancy payment whilst I was still a uni student. He blew half of it (£400+) on a new tattoo and leathers etc and then expected me to pick up the slack when his wage was lost.

I fell pregnant several times and had repeat miscarriages and he would 'joke' that if I got pregnant again he'd 'give me something so I wasn't'.

I didn't realise at the time me and the pill, Plus a long term chronic illness that wasn't diagnosed at the time, weren't compatible which is why I fell pregnant so often despite taking contraceptives religiously. He refused to wear condoms despite the birth control failures and repeatedly blamed me even though he saw me take the pill daily.

He forced me to have an abortion. Forced in the 'If you don't do it I will leave you' knowing my fears of being a single parent were huge.

would call me 'carrot' thinking I didn't know he was really calling me a moron. Along with some other choice names when he saw fit.

He was threatened by my intelligence and would do what he could to ruin my degree. I nearly, very nearly failed due to severe depression and anxiety and if it weren't for an astute lecturer I would've.

bettywhitearse Wed 28-Dec-16 23:02:22

OK sorry that was a long one and reading this back I can see it was sad

Ginsodden Wed 28-Dec-16 23:47:38

Definitely abuse, must have been such a horrible time for you, on top of your childhood experiences...you sound very brave, keep fighting.

bettywhitearse Thu 29-Dec-16 08:22:51

I thought it was. I just can't seem to work out where the boundary between being a twat and being abusive is. I think that has hampered my recovery somewhat.

OK, officially not like km ng the new App. I'm trying to copy

OK, officially not like km ng the new App. I'm trying to copy

grr!!! you rock. you are mighty. throwing somebody out in his keks who just hit you is NOT an overreaction.

bettywhitearse Thu 29-Dec-16 09:36:43

preemptive thank you. I still feel my reaction was extreme. It took me weeks to calm down and it didn't help I found out I was pregnant again.

surprisingly I didn't miscarry my DC which has had me wondering for years if he really did 'give me something' sad

ChuckSnowballs Thu 29-Dec-16 09:42:57

A - totally abusive
B - I have to say if more women threw their partners out in their pants at the first time of physical violence then they might not have wasted more years of their lives waiting in fear for the second and subsequent hits. So I agree that you rock.
C - I am so glad you are getting the support you need.

You sound ace and are on the road to recovery so well done. Part of recovery is all the pieces of the jigsaw coming together and it hurts but it is worth it in the end.

bettywhitearse Thu 29-Dec-16 11:30:56

oh god it hurts. I swear I have been crying over the stupidest of things but they're not really stupid at all.

Just the realisation that I did what my mother did - met an abusive cunt - but after having DC just how easy it was to say to that EX no. No more you are not in my life (and he is DCs father he tried to rekindle things 'for DC' and I told him to fuck off) whereas my mother stayed with a man who abused me but wasn't my father and allowed him to do those things from the age of 5 until 15 when I physically said no more.

Of course knowing the above relationship was abusive has now flipped how my relationship with my mother is. I need to process that all over again. She still loves my step father and tried desperately to get rid of me (moving me in with GPs) to win him back.

I never did that. Couldn't comprehend doing that.

Obviously I know she taught me that that kind of relationship is normal and its not my fault I stuck with him for years.

The app ate what was a longer post (I'm logged in via desktop now - grr!), but Chuck said pretty succinctly in point B! I honestly believe if more women acted as you did, these Relationships boards would have a lot less traffic. fsmile So, woo HOO to your PTSD! fgrin

Your miscarriage/non- theory - that's chilling. You may well be onto something.

You're right, BWA. Your mother should have been protecting you from a toxic situation. As a mother yourself, you get this. And given the modelling you had to suffer growing up, it's all the more impressive that you broke the cycle of abuse. It takes intelligence, courage and a very real capacity for discomfort to keep yourself from acting the way you were taught to.

So, may I say again. You're mighty and you rock.

bettywhitearse Thu 29-Dec-16 21:35:57

my PTSD has saved me a few times. The vigilance around new people. but yes, the comments about me being pregnant its terrifying to think about I try not too sad especially considering I have had fertility tests as to the cause and nothing is physically was wrong with me.

It wasn't until I actually left him I learned he had two daughters put up for adoption. I don't know why and they weren't adopted within the family. I just know they existed. For that reason my DC hasn't had any contact at all.

I have to admit its bloody exhausting trying to break free from old habits. Hell I even went down the shitty binge drinking route shortly after I left home in order to deal with it but I sorted that and I barely drink now. Again that was taught via my step dad. He was a full blown alcoholic.

My mother did bugger all to protect me. Things have been said since that have essentially blamed me for existing. She doesn't know any of the issues I am dealing with. The last time she had an inkling I was unwell - 4yrs ago, on antidepressants combo of burnout from a 6 bus per day commute with a toddler and PND - she said I wasn't really ill because PND is instant not 18mths -2yrs later. SO she too is being removed and I'm moving out the area.

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