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Can anyone help?

(65 Posts)
Ilovealfieandannierose Wed 28-Dec-16 22:45:47

I posted a few months ago about an ongoing situation regarding my husbands sexual preferences and how difficult I found them. I got lots of understanding and good advice but wasnt really ready to hear it.

Since then and completely out of the blue and unexpectedly, he has been arrested and is under investigation of internet crimes relating to children. I am absolutely devastated and heart broken. Ss are now involved as we have 4 young children, he is not allowed unsupervised contact. Our whole world has been blown apart and I have no idea what to do. I dont think I can manage on my own. Christmas has been horrendous and I feel so alone.

AnyFucker Wed 28-Dec-16 22:50:53

How can we help you ?

ferriswheel Wed 28-Dec-16 22:52:08

That sounds awful. No wonder you are so upset.

Do you have anyone in RL to support you?

Back to basics with the kids. Toast for at least two meals a day, pizza for the other one. Clothes washed, bin emptied daily. Cuddles often. How old are they?

I'm guessing your relationship is over? Or are you considering staying?

You must be in shock.

PastysPrincess Wed 28-Dec-16 22:54:49

Oh my Gosh. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. You have 4 children who will need you more than ever now. You can do this- it will be hard but you can do it.

Ilovealfieandannierose Wed 28-Dec-16 22:55:13

I dont know really. Just wanted to splurge.

I still love him. The kids adore him. We have this awful unknown period where we have no idea of what the outcome will be. Do I need to think about leaving town. Is my marriage definitely over. What do I tell the kids. His parents did a lot of childcare, do I give up work? What do I do about finances in the meantime. I am so lost.

I know its unlikely but id love to talk with someone who has gone through similar.

Ilovealfieandannierose Wed 28-Dec-16 22:57:45

My kids are 1,1,3,8 and pretty amazing but also pretty impossible to cope with alone.

We are living apart now but I have no choice in that, ss have set the parameters. I am happy with that though.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Wed 28-Dec-16 23:00:48

I think at the moment you need to take one day at a time.

Are you on holiday? Can you take a bit of leave, emergency holiday if not? Just not to add complication of going to work into the mix?

Do you have a friend you can lean on for some practical support or a shoulder to cry on?

Your husbands parents - what do they know about the situation? As grandparents what can they do to help you?

Where is your husband now?? And what are your thoughts on the arrest?

CalleighDoodle Wed 28-Dec-16 23:01:11

You will get better at cooing.

CalleighDoodle Wed 28-Dec-16 23:01:36

Coping sorry. My screen is badly cracked and i cant see very clearly.

Molly333 Wed 28-Dec-16 23:01:42

One day at a time , it's imporyant to deal with little chunks and not to look at the future , just get through each day . I think it's also useful to talk , say how devastated you feel to people , seek support you will need it . I also think the more honest you are the more likely are people to support you . Big hugs , you can do this ! You are strong and will lead your family , take that as your role now believe you can and ur strength will go . Ps. At the end of every day keep a little book by ur bed and write in a positive thing you've achieved ( no negatives ) , it canbe as simple as I got the kids to school or I made them
Laugh today xx

BastardGoDarkly Wed 28-Dec-16 23:10:19

Good lord. When was he arrested?

I can understand you're reeling, but thank heavens the professionals won't let him see the children unsupervised, or live with you. He's dangerous.

Also hoping you and the children have been offered counselling?

Ilovealfieandannierose Wed 28-Dec-16 23:19:54

It was several weeks ago. My eldest is having weekly sessions as part of ss assesment but we are using it to provide support.

Thanks for the suggestion Molly, I like that idea. Its not easy to hold on to the positives.

I am struggling to believe he is a danger to our children, he really is a lovely dad. But then I am so angry at him. He has destroyed our lives for his own gratification. He is not suggesting innocence but claming he has mh problems that have led to a porn addiction that has got out of hand. It seems he has almost been living a double life. I dont know who he is anymore.

I dont think there is a way forward together but the alternative feels terrifying.

Only1scoop Wed 28-Dec-16 23:20:10

Have you told anyone in RL Op?

Ilovealfieandannierose Wed 28-Dec-16 23:26:34

Well my family and his family all know. And ss had to tell kids school, my employer (I am classed as a vulnerable adult so the safeguarding alert was made for me and kids). My boss has been amazing. All the children in the family were considered at risk so my siblings/siblings in law know as thry have had to go through a ss assesment. Fortunately theres were all very brief and closed quickly. Ours is still ongoing.

We normally have a very family orientated xmas and so it has been extremely difficult.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Wed 28-Dec-16 23:27:52

Is the alternative really more terrifying?

Like you said, you don't really know him. If he's not in denial then this is a person that seeks personal gratification in a dark way with no respect to his wife or family, or those poor poor innocent children that had no say or control over what they were made to do or perform.

Yes he needs help, but I think now and forever it's not your place to offer support. You need to manage your situation and get your kids through this difficult time.

How can you ever trust this man again? Feel comfortable in a relationship?

OP I really think you need some professional counselling too, this is life changing for you and you need some support and help with coping mechanisms.

BastardGoDarkly Wed 28-Dec-16 23:28:50

You don't know who he is, that's true. I'm so sorry.

I don't know if you should move, I mean, I don't know how much publicity it's likely to get?

I hope you find someone with some experience to advise, must be just awful, do his parents/your parents know?

Italiangreyhound Wed 28-Dec-16 23:29:35

So very sorry this sounds so hard.

Can you put your thoughts and feelings for your dh to one side for now and focus on coping for kids sake?

Please try and focus on the good advice on this thread. As social services are involved work with them and just do your best.

Try and stay positive. Imagine yourself coping, for their sakes, think positively of yourself as a strong woman.

BastardGoDarkly Wed 28-Dec-16 23:29:57

Sorry cross post.

Ilovealfieandannierose Wed 28-Dec-16 23:34:50

I understand the implications of trauma, its something I have experience of and the field I work in. I probably havent expressed it here but I am really hurt and angry and feel for the victims of such crimes. Perhaps I cant really think about it. His parents keep saying, 'its just online stuff, its not like he has hurt anyone.' I know this is bollocks. Its just hard to imagine of the man I have loved all my adult life.

Publicity will depend on if he is convicted I think. If it makes local papers I know I will have to move.

Cherrysoup Wed 28-Dec-16 23:36:28

No reason your pil can't carry on looking after the dc if your DH isn't living with them. If he is, can they come to your house to look after them?

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Wed 28-Dec-16 23:38:16

Oh my you must be turned upside down with it's all. Are you being offered any support at all?

Ilovealfieandannierose Wed 28-Dec-16 23:45:46

He is allowed to see them with his parents, so far they have continued with childcare. Its becoming more and more tense. They are devastated and struggling but seem angry with me for not standing by him/promising any attempt at reconciliation.

I have very much said that the children are my priority and the investigation and our relationship and for dealing with later on.

I have a psychiatrist so have had some space to talk it through. I think I may need therapy though.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Wed 28-Dec-16 23:48:31

Where are your parents lovely?

JaniceBattersby Wed 28-Dec-16 23:51:06

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP. How awful.

i know a bit about the logistics of trials and the publicity surrounding them. Depending on what area you're in, any trial or at least its result is likely to appear in the local media. Unless you're a public figure, it's extremely unlikely your identity would be reported, but obviously local people would already know that you were married to the defendant who would certainly be identified.

The fact your husband seems to have admitted he has done this stuff suggests he will be pleading guilty. A court may take diagnosed mental health conditions into account during mitigation for sentencing but they'll give short shrift to a defendant who says they've committed their crime because of some spurious, undiagnosed mental health issues because they think it will get them off the hook. It won't. I've seen judges scoff at people who come up with such excuses for their crimes. Using made up mental health issues is the most common excuse I hear in court.

If your husband does plead guilty then it's unlikely he will be able to play any part in your family life in the future. I don't know the exact charge, but if he's convicted of sex crimes against children then he's not going to be allowed unsupervised contact with yours again, and nor should you even consider it.

However painful it may be, I'd urge you to go to court to hear what is said. I've been to so many hearings where the defendant has minimised what has happened to their family, and the poor wife would have had literally no idea of the extent of the crimes if they hadn't sat in court and heard it with their own ears. It may help you to come to terms with just how horrific these crimes are and how their victims suffer. It may also help you to make the break away from him and to stop considering that there may be some future for your marriage.

None of his is your fault OP. I can't imagine how confused, hurt and betrayed you must be feeling. In your shoes, I'd want to move away and start again while my children were young enough to do so. All the best of luck to you.

SupersizeMe Wed 28-Dec-16 23:53:25

What a terrible situation, OP. I am so sorry that you and your DC are going through this.

I have a dear friend who found herself in a similar situation just over a year ago. Her H was eventually found guilty of accessing images. It tore her family apart, but she coped marvellously and kept her children from the worst of it. There was (obviously) no talk of a reconciliation, not only because of the crime itself, but also because of the deceit and selfishness of a man who could knowingly put his family in that situation.

Take all the support that is offered to you and do whatever you need to do to get through one day at a time flowers

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