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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Dp paying for porn

145 replies

Namechange26 · 28/12/2016 22:44

Nc for this. I've found out dp has signed up for a website where you pay money each month to view a girls private blog where she posts porn and naked photos.

I know that he watches porn and I have no issue with this, but something about the idea of him paying for it doesn't sit right with me. We have a fairly active sex life and have no issues with our relationship.

Would you view this the same way as watching regular porn and I'm just overreacting? There is no interaction between them as far as I can tell so it's not like he's talking to other girls behind my back.

OP posts:

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UnconventionalWarfare · 29/12/2016 00:25

Guess it depends how much hes paying with so much for free out there maybe this site just hits the right spot for him so to speak.

herwegoagain123 · 29/12/2016 00:33

No of course this isn't ok as he's paying and its much more personal. I wonder is this all he's paying for or does he use other sexual services? Its a question that needs to be asked once he's crossed this grubby threshold.

TheNaze73 · 29/12/2016 08:23

I think he needs to probably research it better before paying for it but, porn is porn, whether free or $$$$$ per view

DeepAndCrispAndEvenTheWind · 29/12/2016 08:28

The reason you are uncomfortable is that it has moved from the abstract to the personal. There is a specific woman who he likes enough to pay to see. In that sense, it moves closer to a lap dance or private webcam or other one to one interaction.

IMO, all porn is problematic, but you can set your own boundaries for what you can accept in a partner.

namechange102 · 29/12/2016 12:17

Nope. Not just your average porn. Agree with pp that the financial transaction makes it a bit more personal. Would be looking to see if there is any communication between girl and paying punters ie requests for future posts.

Namechange26 · 30/12/2016 19:38

Just to update, I confronted him about it earlier and he stood and swore blind he was not paying for it until I showed him the page in his Internet history on our laptop. He said he didn't want to hurt my feelings and it meant nothing, but unfortunately this isn't the 1st time in recent months he's lied to me about something.

I've asked him to stay elsewhere tonight while I gather my thoughts

OP posts:

DeepAndCrispAndEvenTheWind · 30/12/2016 19:41

Sorry he lied, op. Good luck.

namechange102 · 30/12/2016 22:57

I don't know how they can blatantly lie to your face. I've had the same thing. It's so disrespectful and completely ruins any chance of you trusting their word again in the future.

TFPsa · 30/12/2016 23:37

Given how much free stuff there is out there this chap must, putting it mildly, really really like porn. Needn't be a deal breaker but it's hardly an encouraging sign imo.

Naicehamshop · 30/12/2016 23:41

Feel angry on your behalf op. What a waste of space he is!

laurenandsophie · 31/12/2016 05:29

I'd be pretty upset if my DH was spending money seeing someone else naked etc - what we both earn could be money saved or spent for our family. But the lying thing might be just as bad. That's low to lie adamantly like that.

Namechange26 · 31/12/2016 09:06

Yeah I could have probably moved past this if he hadn't lied to my face, but now I just don't know what to think. He said he was curious and couldn't help having a look, but to me that's one step closer to cheating. If a pretty girl started talking to him in real life, would he have enough will power to not react

OP posts:

Namechange26 · 31/12/2016 09:07

I mean started chatting him up or offering more to him. Not just chatting regularly to him haha

OP posts:

Fedupofhim · 31/12/2016 09:41

If there are payments to these sites what exactly does that imply, I mean does this confirm personal interaction with a person?

Fedupofhim · 31/12/2016 10:10

Anyone?

Scrubbles · 31/12/2016 10:15

From what the OP says, I don't think so at all fedupofhim. It doesn't necessarily sound like a cam site (which for me crosses a line I'm not at all comfortable with, but everyone's line is different), more like a porn star's own website. Obviously that may still be unacceptable to the OP but it's very different in my view. I do use porn occasionally which I guess means I know the difference - that difference is going to seem like irrelevant hair-splitting to anyone who is vehemently anti-porn, I suppose.

Namechange26 · 31/12/2016 10:16

From what I can tell, she just posts naked photos and sexual acts and people pay a certain amount each month to look at it. I'm not sure if she does personal requests about it. It's not a 1 on 1 thing. Anyone that pays views the same thing

OP posts:

Joysmum · 31/12/2016 10:21

I'm not anti porn but that's beyond mine and my dh's limits for each other, as is knowing damn well what the boundary is and lying and go ahead anyway. Blatant disregard and disrespect like that says a lot about how he sees you and your relationship.

Fedupofhim · 31/12/2016 10:23

Thanks for replying both. It's the deceitfulness that's the real issue and if it was so alright why do they lie.

Namechange26 · 31/12/2016 10:23

scrubbles I had no issues with porn at all, my problem is he's paid to view this one particular girl and now the bigger issue being that he lied directly to my face continuously for 10 minutes until I proved to him that he was lying.

OP posts:

snapcrap · 31/12/2016 10:24

You are allowed to have your own personal boundaries OP. Ones that differ from other people's boundaries.

You don't have to be 'cool' about porn or 'cool' about this kind of porn.

You are posting about this because you are unhappy, upset and worried about this development. So there is your answer.

I'm afraid you might find this is the tip of the iceberg. Men who pay for virtual sex have extremely muddied boundaries of their own in my opinion. Tell him in no uncertain terms this is a deal breaker and see how he reacts.

Scrubbles · 31/12/2016 10:24

namechange I totally get that, and the lying would be the issue for me too.

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birdybirdywoofwoof · 31/12/2016 10:26

He pays a woman monthly to look at her fanny.

I don't find this impressive behaviour in a boyfriend even if she does "hit the spot"

coffeetasteslikeshit · 31/12/2016 10:26

If my DH did this, our relationship would be over. It's taking the piss as far as I'm concerned. I don't work, take care of our kids etc etc in order for him to spend our money looking at another woman.

It's hugely disrespectful imo.

Fedupofhim · 31/12/2016 10:30

Namechange you have my sympathies. I doubt these guys could handle the same treatment.

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