Is this emotional abuse? what can I do? (I'm a mess)

[helpmeplease2045]

Been with my DH 10 years, married 6, DS 6 and DD 3.

I guess in many ways he has always been quite grumpy and has had a bad temper, he has never hit me or the children but has certainly shouted quite vile things at us in the past.

Over the past two years things have got a lot worse. I work three days a week which is resents (makes comments like 'oh of course you'll be buggering off to work tomorrow then), he is also very critical of the way indo things. Its true I am messier than him, but its everything from how much cereal I put in DCs bowls in the morning, to what shelf I put the cereal on right through to bigger things like what I spend money on. I make no less than him but am made to feel very guilty for treating the children, buying them clothes that aren't absolutely necessary. We have no money problems or debt.

He shows no kindness towards me and drinks around five cans of beer a night when I don't drink alcohol. I do 90% of stuff with kids, take them out, play games, read books etc.
He makes comments if I spend time with family that I'm going to turn them against him and makes no effort to see my friends or family.

I feel I am on egg shells as the smallest thing will set him off. He seems to think everything I do is wrong and then if I try to speak to him about any of the above he says I am just as bad (I promise I am not, if anything I try to ignore him and organise stuff for DC to keep out of the way).

He is very moody and negative, draining the joy out of small things.

I don't know what to do. He wont leave the house. My son is very sensitive and I don't want to upset him.

Thanks for any advice..

[WingsofNylon]

You do need to find a way to get out as it doesn't look like you get anything positive from the relationship.

You say he won't leave the house, what do you mea have you outright asked him to?

[helpmeplease2045]

Yes, I have suggested a few days space in the past and he has refused. He says he has nowhere to go (he does, his dad lives a few streets away but they have a funny relationship as his dad was a very angry father and there is a lot of resentment). We co own the house so not sure if I can actually do anything 😡 feel so sad. I'm 32 and this is no life. He is in kitchen just now on his phone drinking cans of beer.

[RickJames]

If you file for divorce then he'll have to leave sooner or later. Stop doing his washing or cooking or anything, move into the spare room. He'll get the message.

He sounds like a bully - treat him with the contempt he deserves.

[Wolfiefan]

He's a controlling alcoholic.
Take legal advice if you want him to go.

[Bananalanacake]

So he whinges about you buying clothes for your DC? why don't you whinge about the amount he spends on cans of beer, that's even more of a waste I'd think.

[forwhom]

You sound really unhappy - I think you know the answer to your question.

My DH can drink the same and it really affects his mood. He isn't however emotionally abusive.

He also sounds really depressed - has this been addressed?

Can you start making a plan, saving money setting some dates, getting him to the doctors to address his drinking and mental health?

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Sounds to me that you need to consult a solicitor to find out what you need to do next. Regardless of the harm this excuse for a marriage is doing to you, it'll be less than the damage it's doing to your DC.

Witnessing domestic violence, whether physical or emotional, is so bad for children. It often sets the scene for their adult relationships. It will be hard, but I think divorce is inevitable.

[helpmeplease2045]

Thank you everyone.

He has previously sought help for alcohol addiction and was sober for around 18 months but has been drinking again for over a year and refuses to acknowledge it is a problem (I.e. Says I am trying to control him / stop him having fun all his friends drink etc). He has anxiety but also wont get help.

As a bit of background I had cancer three years ago and am in remission so have also been quite anxious as a result but have had lots of professional help and never speak about it in front of DC or look to DH for support.

People used to comment that I was such a positive person but I feel ten years with this person has made me feel so down about myself and life I suppose. I love my DC so much though.

Thank you

[helpmeplease2045]

Yes his father was very emotionally abusive to his mother in front of him and his siblings and he is the same. I'm so worried about the effect it could have on my children but I feel so very trapped.

[BiscuitMillionaire]

What happiness can there possibly be for you in a relationship like this? He is dragging you down, making you miserable, and brings nothing positive to your life. Please don't waste your precious time on earth with this man. He's not good for your DC either.

[SingingSeal]

He sounds awful, OP. Sorry you are putting up with this . It sounds like he has really ground you down, living with this angry, sullen alcoholic. I hope you can find a better situation. If it were me, I would move out tomorrow, or the closest day next to that I could ...

(I would get legal advice first though so I am in as much control as possible)

[BiscuitMillionaire]

Trapped for financial reasons? Why not at least get some initial advice from a solicitor.

[ferriswheel]

I agree with pp. Why waste your life on him?

[KnittedBlanketHoles]

Do you have a free morning or afternoon soon that you could use to get some legal advice?

Are you ready for that? That is, have you accepted that you need to look for the best way out for you and your children, or are you thinking that you'd rather try and think you'll be able to repair things?

It doesn't sound to me like things can be fixed but it needs to be a decision you come to yourself. Also, if you do decide that you're getting it, it's usually best to keep that decision under your hat until you've had legal advice and got yourself and your assets protected.

[helpmeplease2045]

I am passed the stage of wanting to repair things but I am worried about DC, what if he gets 50/50 childcare. We work about the same amount but emotionally I am there for the DC, they are both very close with me. I'm also a little scared, what if he tries to run off with them.. This is not something he has said he would do but he has such a bad temper and may do it to hurt me?

I'm so glad I posted on here, its good to hear these things are not healthy in a relationship. You get so stuck that you begin to question whether its ok to be treated this way.

I'm working over next few days but off on January 5 for a week. I could potentially take my DC to my parents for a bit.. They live in the same city, but do I have a right to do that before getting legal help do you think?

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

That sounds like a good idea, OP. Will your DPs be a source of strength and advice? You will, at least, get enough free time to take legal advice.

I think taking the final decision to end a marriage is never going to be easy. However it's all possible, taking baby steps.

[ferriswheel]

So, worst case scenario he gets 50/50 childcare. Would it not be better for them to get a hundred per cent of the real you for fifty per cent of the time? And, do you really think he, or your kids, would want that?

[helpmeplease2045]

Do you mean would he want 50/50 childcare? He may do, but to spite me rather than wanting to take on that much responsibility

[helpmeplease2045]

I've packed my bags. DH is out for the night and my dad is going to take my bags to his house and then I will leave with kids tomorrow morning (he shouldn't notice missing stuff). I feel sick and also sad to take DC away from all their things. I also feel nervous and very emotional. I cant believe it has come to this and terrified of what is going to happen.

[Schmoozer]

Bless you,
You are being so brave and amazing,
Keep safe, escaping is a risky time
For domestic violence to flare up,
Don't let him know, til
You are safe xxxz

[category12]

You're doing the right thing, well done.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Don't worry my love, put your energies into what you need right now.
Take any relevant paperwork with you.
Get your ducks in a row, whilst you have the opportunity.
Don't forget any medication you may need.
You can do this, and you will. You have the support of a good Father, and your children, to spur you on.
We're all here for you, best love.

[RandomMess]

hope it goes smoothly

[helpmeplease2045]

Thanks everyone, I feel I am being very sneaky but I feel a little scared of him.

[balence49]

You are doing the right thing. For you and your kids. They are sensitive because they are living in this situation. This is the best thing you can do for them. Well done.