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What a mess

(7 Posts)
Anaffaquine123 Wed 28-Dec-16 20:28:06

I have been off and on steroids for the best part of two years for a chronic condition. Although they alleviate it the side effects are horrific.
Ive put on about 4 stone, I've become hairier, even gaining a moustache, my face is moon shaped.
I, usually very mild mannered and calm, become very angry, impulsive and have the most awful thoughts pop into my head. I am so irritable. I try very hard to keep a lid on it but some days I feel I may explode with pent up rage. The worst thing is knowing that it isn't right but still having nasty thoughts. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells but the person who will crack - is me.
This, in turn, makes my self-esteem plummet. I, really feel my family would be better off without me in the long-term. I would never do anything whilst my kids are still very small and dependent on me but have visualised killing myself in the future. I know it is mainly the drugs that make me feel so low but I also understand that I'm not easy to live with and my dh is fed up of me.
On Friday, dh had the day off. He was going to be tidying/cleaning to get the house ready for all our visitors on Christmas Day. (We hosted 14 for Christmas dinner) whilst I took the kids to delivered parcels, put wreaths on my parents' graves and bought the last of the fresh goods.
We returned after 3.5 hours to find he had cleared a cupboard. The rest of the house still looked the same. I said to him that I couldn't believe he had prioritised the cupboard but he was very proud of it.
I didn't want to get into an argument so left it but sent a text to my sister saying that I couldn't understand his logic.
He saw the text and hasn't spoken to me since.
I know I was wrong to vent to my sister but if I hadn't I probably would have rerouted. I'm starting to think my family would be better without me now and not wait. I am a horrible person.

Softkitty2 Wed 28-Dec-16 21:51:23

You need to see your gp and ask for a medication review. Steroids are meant to be used short term because of side effects. Ask if there are any new treatments you could try? New medication with less side effects.

How you are feeling is no way to live. Please ask for help.

JellyBoat Wed 28-Dec-16 22:24:07

You did nothing wrong. You vented to your sister to avoid an argument. You didn't say anything about him that you hadn't already said to his face. I'd have been really annoyed at the cupboard thing too (and can see my husband doing exactly that). Your family would absolutely not be better off without you. Please please please go and see you dr urgently to review the steroids. How are you feeling now?

Anaffaquine123 Thu 29-Dec-16 09:14:59

Dh says that I am difficult to live with.
I don't want to kill myself but sometimes at the moment I am overwhelmed by how crap I am. They might be better, long term without me. My dad said that I am evil, twist relationships and hurt people. My girls are too precious to me and I don't want to ruin them.
I am always the strong one in the family. I don't think anyone would even hear me if I said I was struggling.
No-one takes any notice when I'm doubled over in pain - "just get on with it, stop being a drama queen."
Why would they notice if I said I was struggling with mental health?
My beautiful children are snuggled in with me, watching the gruffalo again. The course of steroids finishes next Thursday. Hopefully the side effects will go soon after. I am expected to just keep going and that is what I need to do.

OliviaBenson Thu 29-Dec-16 09:40:03

Hang on though, you were entirely reasonable in being angry with him for not doing as he said and cleaning the whole house. I'm quite concerned that you think it's to do with the steroids. It's to do with him being a lazy arse.

NewNNfor2017 Thu 29-Dec-16 09:45:23

Please be kinder to yourself, and start prioritising your own needs. Other People will take your lead on how to treat you.

You are not well enough to host 14 for Xmas Dinner. You don't have to run all the last minute errands alone.

If you start putting yourself first, others will begin to value you more highly too.

Take care of you before everyone else flowers

tipsytrifle Thu 29-Dec-16 13:01:45

OliviaBenson nailed it. As you describe it you get zero emotional support and everyone around you demands (in subtle ways and impatient expectation) that you just keep going. You are being allowed to run yourself into the ground with pain and the vile side effects of steroids. Your pain doesn't even seem to register except as a nuisance. Hence, you have come to feel that you are indeed a nuisance. This is not true.

Let me guess who put the house to rights after that one unnecessary cupboard was tackled. Oh yes, it was you wasn't it? After you'd been out doing the last of the shopping for everyone else to enjoy.

Difficult to live with? I've no idea how you're keeping a lid on the rage and disappointment that must be whirling like a tornado inside your mind.

I think you might benefit from talking with GP about your meds but I also believe that you would benefit from talking with someone in RL too. Friend? Other family member? Because you need a new perspective. The new perspective is that you are being treated very shabbily indeed and your current energy output isn't sustainable. It isn't right or fair either and I'm livid on your behalf. Serious re-negotiations are required, though this is easier said than done.

You're amazing to be doing what you're doing but through ignorance or selfishness, others are dragging you down and down.

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