My DD is 27, separated and has 2 children of her own (2 and 4). She's always been poorly organised, and never had a great relationship with my ex-wife, or anyone else. People seem to drift in and out of her life, and I'm the only person who had been in her life constantly.
Her split with her ex was very acrimonious, with courts getting involved, and she got a visit from social services.
Her and her kids were going to spend Christmas at mine, but owning to not sorting things with her ex the kids were not with her.
She said she'd spend Christmas with me, but pulled out at the last minute.
I agreed to pick her up at boxing day and drive her to her pick her kids up on boxing day.
As usual she was late getting to her house (travelled from her bf) . I helped her carry in her bags and here house was a real mess.
Not just untidy, but the kids toys on the floor, unwashed clothes, rubbish on the floor ( a choking hazard) and all her plates mouldy in the sink.
She saw my face and started accusing me of judging her, and we got into a row.
She refused to let me take her to get the kids, and ordered a taxi, which I paid for.
In the confusion, she locked her keys in the house (again) so while she was away I had to break open the door (no one has a spare key).
When she got back I repaired the door and lock and washed up for her.
After that she was still giving me the "evil eye" so I said goodbye to her and the kids and told her I'd text.
I've now texted and got no reply.
So .... I'm worried that she isnt coping, and I'm sure the kids are not always bathed, fed greens, etc .
Her actions are sometimes erratic, sometimes with unrealistic expectations, and no-one except me seems to be in her life very long.
I'm terrified of the effect on her kids and unsure what i should do next
I went through this after my first divorce, I had to pull myself out of it as I rushed losing my children. I was struggling but didn't want to admit I was a failure. Just be there and offer practical help.
Certainly sounds like she is struggling hugely. I'd also be worried about the kids
What do you think you can do? Can you visit more often? Could you even move closer to her so that you can drop in for short visits more frequently and it becomes more normal to her to have you around/you can have the kids after school one day a week and lay out a big salad? Is she able to work, or do you think she would let you facilitate that by offering a bit of childcare? Or is your life really complicated enough - not a criticism, we can only do what we can do.
Do you think her ex is a good influence on the kids? Would it in fact be better if they were with him more of the time?
It sounds like she is not coping, could she be suffering with depression? It might be worth sitting down with her and talking about things, if she will, maybe a trip to the GP. And offering practical and emotional support.
Mmm. I would seriously consider sharing my concerns with the ex. Ultimately it is about the kids' welfare - assuming he is a better bet - and he had better be, as if you do this, I think you can assume your relationship with your daughter will break down for years if not forever
If I just couldn't do that, I would test the water just to keep as much contact as she will let you have, to push it as much as you can but to back off as soon as she seems uncomfortable. I think it is vital that you try to stay in the children's lives.
Pay a visit to the local health visitor,should be one in the nearest doctors,explain yr concerns and get them to pop in unannounced,i expect she's not took the kids for the nessessary appointments at the correct ages either,if the eldest is at school ,go speek to the school,or her doctor ,could you offer to pay for a cleaner to help her get on top of things?
Your DD could simply be selfish and self-entitled. Or she has mental health issues of some sort. I don't know what kind, as you don't go too much into her behaviour, apart from her chaotic life and anger. Certainly the way she treated you she sounds hard work. I think Annandale has some good advice in her second paragraph (am less convinced about the first without knowing a whole lot more about him). Its very sad for you to be in this situation.