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Wanting kids/Not wanting kids

(18 Posts)
Doglady28 Wed 28-Dec-16 19:12:15

So hubby and I got married this year
We are happy, in love and loving life

Before we married we discussed babies and he said he didn't really want kids.
I told him that I thought I did one day but wasn't totally sure.
After a lot of lengthy discussions we concluded that if kids were ever off the table completely, that he would tell me
And I told him that I want to be with him for the rest of my life, kids or no kids but that I couldn't promise I wouldn't reach my late 30s and not develop a strong desire for a baby.
We agreed we would take things as they come I guess....

So at this point, I am now starting to think about it more... possibly as it's Christmas and it got me thinking about life with kids.....but I think I'm feeling like I want us to start a family in the future.
I'm 34 but in no rush....maybe in a couple of years....
How should I approach this?
I love my hubby
If he says no I wouldn't leave, I love him completely

Any advice or similar stories?

Thank you xxxx

ALaughAMinute Wed 28-Dec-16 21:56:23

I think if you want kids and he doesn't then you should leave him ASAP. Sorry.

CalleighDoodle Wed 28-Dec-16 21:57:33

Crikey no advice at all. If he doesnt want children and you do, and he wont xhange his mind then all uou can do is find someone with the same wants as yourself let it go.

forwhom Wed 28-Dec-16 22:00:25

That is so tricky.

I think your options (if he says no and your desire grows)

- leave him and find someone who does want kids.

- stay with him and find a way to work with kids - volunteering at preschools etc

Notsleepingeveragain Wed 28-Dec-16 22:03:19

Well if you're not going to leave whatever the outcome then I siggest you tell him you're thinking about starting a family and that you would like him to seriously think about it. I would give him a while to mull it over and bring it up again after a couple of months (if he hasn't).

In your head I would give yourself an expiry date. If he hasn't committed by 12 months for example then accept he probably won't.

It depends on how much you long for a child though.

AgainstTheOddsNo2 Wed 28-Dec-16 22:04:34

I know it is harsh advice but this is not a compromise situation. You need to be totally upfront and be ready for any reaction. You may need to walk away, it doesn't mean you love him any less but a life of resentment is no good for either of you.

I have done this. My, now husband, got some help for some childhood issues and eventually changed his mind and we got back together. But I was utterly prepared to walk away permanently (and not try to change his mind! As that isn't fair either).

It is my view that I could have lived with us trying and failing to have children but I couldn't live with never having tried.

annandale Wed 28-Dec-16 22:17:39

I married a man who didn't want children, and I thought I loved him enough. I was not expecting the upsurge in broodiness once we had settled down together. What had been a general feeling that I might want a child one day became a raging torrent. For someone who wants children, this is a normal process. However, nit wanting a child is also normal for some people.

I think you need to stop reassuring yourself and him that you will never leave, always love him etc and start being really honest. Have the tricky conversation. Have it again. Talk about kids and how cute they are. Talk about how you see your retirement together, what kind of life you would like. Babysit for your friends, bring the kids home to play. If this is part of you do not protect him from your real self.

I hid my feelings for four years, then left. It was the worst thing I have ever done but I don't regret it. My life is about a million miles from being perfect but it is an honest life and an adult one, and I do have a child. When he was born there was no drama or huge surge of love and I think it was partly because I had loved him for all the years I had never thought I would have him.

StillSeekingResponsibleAdult Wed 28-Dec-16 22:25:59

I think you have to be honest about how you're feeling. Either he accepts it and considers whether maybe children could be a possibility for him, or it remains a no, in which case you have to decide whether it's him or kids.

I have an elderly relative who chose the man who didn't want children, over having kids. He left her when she was in her fifties and she has remained alone, growing increasingly bitter, ever since. This colours my view somewhat, but I think if neither of you want kids, that's fine, but if one of you gives it up for the other, it's likely to end badly.

AgainstTheOddsNo2 Wed 28-Dec-16 22:26:57

Off topic but Annandale I love the way you describe the lack of rus have of love. I didn't get that with dd either but for similar reasons. I loved her long before I ever knew she was a possibility!!! (Fertility issues)

AgainstTheOddsNo2 Wed 28-Dec-16 22:27:33

*rush of (autocorrect)

Prawnofthepatriarchy Wed 28-Dec-16 22:32:05

From the start of our relationship, I told my DH I didn't want children. He already had DSD so wasn't fussed. Bit of a back story there too. Then, after 4 years of marriage, I changed my mind. It was because I found myself enjoying being a DSM and because I fully realized that my DH was utterly trustworthy and would never let me down.

So one night I asked him if I could change my mind. He had seen how my relationship with his DD had been good for both of us. He immediately agreed and we started TTC that day.

The point of the story is that people change, life changes them. If you both truly love each other you will be able to get round this, though it may be asking more from one person than the other.

It doesn't sound as if either of you have a position that is set in stone. I think it might be a good idea to say that now you're married you feel more secure so want to talk about taking it to the next level, i.e. having a baby. You aren't expecting to do it immediately, but perhaps in 2 or 3 years. See what he says. You need to know where you stand. Get it out in the open.

scottishdiem Wed 28-Dec-16 22:39:24

You need to have the conversation with him and be prepared to accept/act on the result. Sounds like you might have some wiggle room.

DP do not want kids - we are in our 30s but we cannot get our heads round giving up everything we have and do together and changing that to what kids want and do as part of a family. We are now debating whether a vasectomy is the way forward.

You have a choice to make regarding your husband but also you have to consider why you want one.

DoraDunn Wed 28-Dec-16 23:10:44

You need to be honest. But you also need to be wary. I personally know of 2 women who were in similar circumstances to you. In both cases the husbands weren't completely honest and kept saying 'not yet' and 'maybe in the future'. One finally left her husband when she turned 40 and he admitted he had no intention of ever changing his mind. Fortunately for her, she met someone else and had a baby within a year. The other realised her husband was having an affair and that she'd left it too late at 45 to have a baby with someone else.

Some men think they can string their partner along with vague talk of not being sure or not being ready until the 'window' has passed. Don't let that happen to you.

Having said all this, I'm absolutely stunned that you would both get married without ascertaining that you were on the same page with regards whether to have children or not. It's one of those massive fundamental decisions that need to be in alignment.

Kangamum Wed 28-Dec-16 23:22:39

I was in a similar position when I met my now fiancé, I had two children from a previous relationship and didn't think I wanted any more. He said he thought we had enough on our plate with having two already and didn't feel the need to have any more either. That was our stance for the first 6 years of our relationship, then I was advised to change my contraception for medical reasons and we spoke again and decided to not try, but not not try iyswim, then it was a year later and nothing happened with no contraception, we were talking the whole time and we both were of the opinion that if it happened it happened, but if it didn't it didn't, then another year of nothing and I started to change my mind. Maybe because it wasn't happening for us made me really want to have another. So I told him this, and he said he was completely happy with the two we had, but if I wanted to have another baby he was on board, he didn't need another baby to feel like a dad though. It took us 4 years in total to conceive, with no obvious medical reasons why we couldn't. We now have a 14,12 and just over 1 year old, and we both want even more!

I guess I'm saying people can and do change their minds, and it does sound like he hasn't say definitely not, a bit like my OH, now we have a baby together he's keen for as many as we can manage.

Isetan Thu 29-Dec-16 06:46:16

So let's get this straight, you're leaving the decision to have a child entirely in the hands of someone who is at best, reluctant and biologically speaking, has way more time.

There really isn't any more time left for fence sitting and waiting around for your H to decide, you need to decide if you want children and then you need to tell it to your H straight because at 34, your fertility is heading for a great leap off a very high cliff.

TheNaze73 Thu 29-Dec-16 09:15:18

I think you should split up. He's not interested & you'll resent him otherwise.

Just seems odd you didn't iron all this out before getting married

Stalingrad Thu 29-Dec-16 09:23:57

my first marriage was to a man who did not want kids. I thought our love was enough for me but broodiness grew and his lack of empathy for how I was feeling about kids began to destroy my love for him. I had an aunt who didn't have children with her much loved husband who then left her when she was 42 and she had nothing to show for her loyalty to his decision that they not have kids. She is still bitter over a decade later.

I left my marriage and found someone who shares my life vision. It is a much easier relationship because we both envisage the same future. Also I'm not clinging to him alone for my happiness. We have three kids and it was the best decision I ever made.

At 34 you don't have all the time in the world. It gets quickly harder to conceive after 35. I would suggest couples counselling to decide a way ahead.

Good luck OP.

Doglady28 Thu 29-Dec-16 14:38:36

Thanks to all who have replied
Some great suggestions and perspective.
The reason we got married is because we love each other and we want to spend our lives together no matter what.
I'm absolutely 100% sure that I won't leave even if he makes the decision that kids are not on the table at all. To those who have criticised my choice to marry him, well you don't know the full ins and outs of the conversations we did have prior to marriage, too in depth to share here so with respect, I disagree with your opinions, we made vows to support each others dreams and so having reflected on things since I posted this, I feel more positive about things. Leaving him is not an option. Lifeel without him is a far worse prospect to me.

My gut feeling is that if I express to him my desire to be a mum and how much that means, I think he will be prepared to go down that road.

Posting this question helped clear my mind and it's good to get some other opinions. Some great suggestions and views for me to consider.

I'm in no rush despite your age comments. I don't possess that urge to be a mum, it's purely something that has been on my mind a little over the Christmas period. I have an age limit in mind and will stick with it.

I think I will talk through my feelings with him in a way intended to share how I feel rather than press him for a decision. I trust him to be honest with me.

Thanks again, I feel much clearer about things in my own mind now xx

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