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So confused and lost! Someone please help!

(3 Posts)
suzzanne Wed 28-Dec-16 16:21:29

Dont even know where to start. For various reason oh and i have a strained relationship. We have children, i gave up my job to raise them on my own so he could hold down his job which is long hours. He doesnt undrestand kids, he snaps at them alot, expects too much from them, cant cope with them just being kids. He constantly blames me for any of their testing behaviour. He doesnt see their personalities, how far theyve come, how much theyve learnt, he only ever sees whatever behaviour they are busy learning or struggling with.
His job is to work and pay for everything which he does and i cant fault him for.
Latley i just feel like we live two seperate lives, he struggles to fit into family life. Hes absolutly miserable at home, like i say he cant cope with the kids, and they are far from naughty, just your normal children messy playful and accident prone!
When home from work he tends to sleep or sit on his phone. And snap at any interuption from any of us like we are an inconvienience. I feel like i have to get at him to talk to our kids, engage with them, and me, he knows so little about us now really! He couldnt tell u much about his kids. He only seems happy with his mates, having a drink, away from home life!
Weve talked about this many times and he agrees he cant cope with them, but i never see any change in the way he is. I never see any effort from him to try and fit in with us. I try and explain to him that he sees the worst in the kids cos they are acting up for his attention, cos he doesnt give them it. And actually he'd have a better relationship with them if they felt listened too by him.
What hurts the most is everytime he cant cope im left to pick up the pieces. Like he just slips in and out of being a parent, when it gets too much he goes to the pub and theres me dealing with them and whatever behaviour theyd been showing. I have zero support from him other than the financial side
I dont know where to go from here. Ive recently thrown him out (ive done this before) because he never puts us first. He let us down, didnt turn up for plans cos he was having too much fun with his mates to care about spending time with his kids. I dont want to be throwig him out every few month. But i dunno what to do..nothing ever changes. I guess maybe im just with him for the kids now. The kids have a good life with me at home and his money. And most of the time hes at work so it isnt a problem. Like i say we live seperate lives. But i am well aware this isnt how our lives should be..it just makes it harder to leave.. How do i put the kids through such upheavel when they are happy now. Id have to go to work thyd go into wraparound child care, wed be skint. I couldnt afford mortgage on our house so we'd have to get a flat. A major downsize to what theyre used to! They probably see no more of their dad then they already do but the fact he cant cope with them doesnt fill me with confidence in him having them on his own. Just dont jnow what to do. Theres only so many times i can say to him i need to see change and for him not to! But how do i put my kids through all that. Feels like i should just suck it up for them!? Do i leave?!

Pointlesscrap Wed 28-Dec-16 17:10:34

He sounds very resentful of the children. Did you both plan to have them or were they happy accidents?If they were planned then I'm sorry but he's a total and utter arse for leaving you to it. He has no sense of responsibility towards them. My husband finds it hard to cope with the kids as well but I give him a whole lecture on how he's helped create them so suck it up and be the father the boys need. How old are your children?

LivininaBox Wed 28-Dec-16 17:24:36

It sounds like he hasn't spent enough time with them to learn how to deal with them or to understand what is appropriate behaviour for their ages? But by going to the pub etc he is totally copping out. You can't make him try. I think you should be making plans to leave and thinking through how you would manage the finances. He will need to pay you maintenance so you don't need to cover the mortgage on your own.

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