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Feel confused about what he actually wants

(8 Posts)
MynyddoeddEryri Wed 28-Dec-16 15:23:27

DP has spoken for ages about buying a house and we both have help to buy isas in order to save. A few months ago we spoke about where our relationship was headed and both agreed we'd rather get married prior to buying a house but we'd continue to save in our help to buy isas as well as a separate savings account. Now today we were discussing the fact our tenancy is coming up to renewal and whether to renew or find somewhere else - we've always said this place is too small. He said it's only for another year so perhaps we're better off staying where we are. When I challenged him on this he said well we'll be buying by the end of next year anyway. I asked him about what he previously said about wanting to get married first and he said he keeps changing his mind on things. How can you change your mind on whether you want to marry someone or not? I feel so confused and like he's not sure about what he actually wants from us sad

Despite divorcing his ex wife many years ago he's only just now going through the process of getting a clean break order. So I always knew that nothing would happen until it comes through - no official engagement, no wedding planning or getting a mortgage etc. But given our previous conversations he'd always made out like the only reason he didn't want to do any of these things yet was because of the clean break order but now it feels like it's about more than that. It feels like we're both in a completely different place and it's really making me question everything about us sad

CalleighDoodle Wed 28-Dec-16 22:07:00

Nobody can tell you what he wants except him.

Why dont you sit and have a conversation witb him and talk about settinf a date to get married before the house buying?

Isetan Thu 29-Dec-16 05:52:57

He doesn't sound very motivated all talk and no action and I get the feeling that left to him, you won't be getting married or moving.

He's entitled to change his mind but when it comes to shared goals and decisions he should talk to you about his change of mind. I think that this is part of his personality and as frustrating as it is, you need to think long and hard about the realities of being with someone who talks a good talk and not much else.

MynyddoeddEryri Sat 31-Dec-16 18:02:12

We had quite a long conversation about it and he said there has never been any question as to whether he wants us to grow old together. He wants to build a future with me but doesn't know what order. I think for him the house seems most logical first because in the area we'd be looking at we'd be saving £200+ a month on mortgage vs renting and he said he loves the idea of being able to decorate our house how he wants without having to worry about landlady - realistically we're not allowed to decorate our current house at all. I think he feels torn because in his mind every pound saved towards the house deposit means money off the mortgage whereas even a cheap wedding is £1000 ish. I do see his point but at the same time I couldn't care less if we had a super cheap wedding as it'd mean being a married couple, it doesn't have to cost a lot for it to special.

He does have a lot of issues communicating tbh. I don't know how much of that is his autism though so I do try to give him the benefit of the doubt a lot of the time.

ElspethFlashman Sat 31-Dec-16 18:09:30

£1000 will be just as hard to raise when paying a mortgage and having to decorate/,put in a new bathroom etc.

Tell him you intend to be married first. That should be clear enough.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Sat 31-Dec-16 19:14:19

How old are you both?

mistermagpie Sat 31-Dec-16 19:25:56

I can sympathise with him to an extent if he has been divorced before (I don't know what the clean break thing is). I was in the middle of my divorce when I got together with my now DH and although I knew I wanted to be with him forever, it was hard to take the plunge again. In fact, if he hadn't proposed out of the blue I wouldn't have been fussed about getting married again. We have been married for two years now and I'm so glad we did it, but when you have had one failed marriage it can be daunting to take the risks again. Ditto things like joint property, which was a total headache in my divorce.

The difference in that I was upfront with DH about my reservations and so he always understood. I think he proposed to give me a little push and I am very glad he did, although I would have been comfortable saying no if I wasn't ready and he would have understood.

You need to talk about it properly and he needs to be honest about what he really wants and how he feels. It can be so frustrating if you feel like you are not on the same page but communication is key here.

MynyddoeddEryri Sat 31-Dec-16 20:57:26

Very true Elspeth. There will or could always be excuses re finances - new kitchen, new car, wanting to go away instead etc.

mistermagpie the clean break is in regards to finances - without it either party can claim against the other for things like inheritance, lottery wins, house sales. If DP and I were to marry without the clean break then his ex wife would still have a financial claim against him but he wouldn't against her, which then means she has no reason to ever sign one.

thisis I'm late twenties and he's early thirties.

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