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Is my wife selfish?

(122 Posts)
cyberbob123 Wed 28-Dec-16 15:20:12

Just want a second opinion.

My wife bought 4 tickets for the London fireworks, with the intention of us inviting some friends along. After we bought the fireworks, my Dad fell ill. Turned out he had a serious illness and died 3 weeks later, in mid December. The funeral is now set for 30th Dec in the midlands, a couple of hours travel time away from London.

I told her I wanted to stay in the midlands for new years, to be with my sister and to toast to our Dad, despite us already having tickets in London. I told her I wanted her to stay too and that we should just eat the cost of the tickets because this was more important to me (they cost 40 pounds total). She is coming to the funeral, and leaving more or less straight after it finishes because she wants to see the fireworks. I told her I think this is a little selfish, she disagrees and says she wants one 'personal day' because this whole thing has been hard on her too.

I just want a second opinion here. My wife, in my opinion, regularly does things that I find very selfish. Am I right? Or am I just over sensitive?

EllaHen Wed 28-Dec-16 15:22:56

Yes, she is most definitely selfish. You need her, you told her you need her and yet she is off to do her fun thing.

LondonHuffyPuffy Wed 28-Dec-16 15:23:47

On the face of what you've posted, I would say she is being pretty selfish or thoughtless at the very least. The London fireworks will be on every year and it's not a huge amount of money to lose. I wouldn't dream of leaving DH on his own the day after his DF's funeral, and he would support me to in the same situation.

What other things does she do that seem selfish to you?

Starlight2345 Wed 28-Dec-16 15:24:29

No idea how long she has known your dad but people deal with grief in different ways..Some want a bit of normality , some want to be around family, some just want to be alone..

I think so long as she isn't expecting you to go to the fireworks she is doing what she needs to do.

She may well feel that your family are what you need.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Wed 28-Dec-16 15:25:08

Yes. Selfish. Sorry for your loss flowers

Bluntness100 Wed 28-Dec-16 15:25:33

Im sorry for your loss. It's very hard, especially at this time of year.

To be fair, yes I'd have stayed and can't imagine doing this, however is there a back story here? Does she get on with your sister? How did she get on with your father?

Yoarchie Wed 28-Dec-16 15:25:47

Christ alive
All 4 tickets should be given away to friends
She should stay with you over new year

MynyddoeddEryri Wed 28-Dec-16 15:26:04

Wow that's horrible of her! My DP doesn't particularly get on with his dad but I know he'd go to the funeral and I can't imagine leaving him straight after. It's incredibly selfish of her, the fireworks will be on every year and surely supporting your spouse is more important?

thatdearoctopus Wed 28-Dec-16 15:26:08

I agree with you - this sounds selfish.
Whatever her feelings on the subject, yours trump hers on this occasion.

lampshady Wed 28-Dec-16 15:26:34

I'd be absolutely gutted in that situation too. If my partner went to celebrate (while hopefully being reflective!) without me, while I was grieving and vulnerable I'd find it devastating. In the case of a close family bereavement, I personally would want to be with my partner.

Was she not that close to your dad? Would she usually sack you off for friends? The best situation would be she doesn't understand the importance of this to you and you can calmly explain to her the importance of her supporting you in a difficult time and she'll see your point of view. Tell her you need her there.

BastardGoDarkly Wed 28-Dec-16 15:27:07


It's your dad's funeral, I'd do whatever DH wanted in that situation.

Leaving straight after for fireworks?! Pfffft.

MuchasSmoochas Wed 28-Dec-16 15:27:31

On the face of it yes, unless she's been at your family's house for a lot of time during the illness and over Christmas and really does need a break? Some people are weird and awkward about death.

holidaysaregreat Wed 28-Dec-16 15:27:46

YANBU that is selfish.

HumpHumpWhale Wed 28-Dec-16 15:28:40

Wow. That's awful. Definitely selfish.

cyberbob123 Wed 28-Dec-16 15:29:09

No back story really.

She has a good relationship with all of my family. She liked my Dad and vice versa, although they weren't close or anything. She likes my sister and her husband and loves my niece. We've been together 8 years, married for 3.

milkshakeandmonstermunch Wed 28-Dec-16 15:29:50

So so selfish. Please show her this. I wouldn't dream of leaving DH in those circumstances. You need her right now. Sorry for your loss flowers

cheekyfunkymonkey Wed 28-Dec-16 15:30:51

If my dh did this to me I would be pretty pissed off. Her moral compass is off. She should be supporting you not taking a personal day. It's only new year ffs. It's not like you're asking her to miss a family event. You shouldn't have to ask her to stay, she should want to do it.

HerOtherHalf Wed 28-Dec-16 15:30:55

She is being selfish and bollox to how she deals with grief or feeling that your family need you more. If she can't see a reason to be at your side at a time like this I'd be seriously questioning what the point of being together actually is.

Branleuse Wed 28-Dec-16 15:31:35

yes, she needs to put you first this new year. I get that its disappointing for her, but it was your dad ffs. She needs to be there for you

mscongeniality Wed 28-Dec-16 15:31:59

Yes selfish....I wouldn't dream of leaving my DH if he was in this position, and I for one love going out. Although fireworks are really not my thing, I can easily take or leave them. She would seriously leave you to go see some fireworks in the cold? Harsh.

BonsGirl Wed 28-Dec-16 15:33:08

Wow. I'd never dream of leaving my DP on the day he'd need me most - why can't she go to the fireworks next year???

goldface Wed 28-Dec-16 15:33:37

Dear octopus has summed it up for me - if you need her and have asked her to stay then I think that's the right thing for her to do.

paulapantsdown Wed 28-Dec-16 15:34:15

God thats horrible! Your life partner is going to leave you at your dads funeral to rush back to London to watch 10 minutes of poxy fireworks?

That is the most rotten selfish thing I ever heard! In times like these, a persons place is at their partners side, no question.

When I think about the three times now that me a DH have been in this situation ... what you do is whatever your partner wants and needs. You stand beside them - that is was marriage means. "Personal Day" ?! What a crock of crap.

Sorry for your loss.

cosytoaster Wed 28-Dec-16 15:35:16

Agree, very selfish and unsupportive.

MVF1 Wed 28-Dec-16 15:36:25

Selfish and to be honest if it were me I would be re evaluating a lot of things based on this!

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