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Can you ever trust fully again after an affair?

(10 Posts)
debbs77 Wed 28-Dec-16 14:03:39

My ex husband cheated on me. We are now divorced and he has remarried. I've had a long term relationship and two more children since. We are now not together.

I used to check my (2nd) exes phone. I didn't trust him simply because my ex husband cheated. He didn't give me any indication that I should check, wasn't sneaky etc. But I felt compelled to check occasionally.

I'm now seeing someone new and it is pretty early days (2 months). We chat a lot and see each other, but I have this overwhelming urge to check his phone. I can't help it! He keeps it in his pocket mostly anyway so I can't.

But please tell me that I can trust again?

AnxietySertraline Wed 28-Dec-16 14:19:11

Dont do it.

NotTheFordType Wed 28-Dec-16 14:28:34

You can't trust fully, full stop. Statistically speaking, most people will cheat, given the chance. You can either accept that monogamy is a myth and just relax, or you can drive yourself crazy checking up on all your future partners.

debbs77 Wed 28-Dec-16 14:30:46

That actually makes me feel better! I don't think anyone could ever actually hurt me as much as my ex husband did, so at least I feel more prepared for the future!

How screwed up is that!!!

Guavaf1sh Wed 28-Dec-16 14:31:03

I second Sertraline - don't check. Don't even think of it. No good can come of it

MVF1 Wed 28-Dec-16 17:17:32

I would second the not looking. What will be will be and it often doesn't matter how much you love someone or someone loves you. People can still cheat.

It's better to park worries like this as they are not valid currently. You have irrational thoughts based on past experiences. You can overcome this anxiety because that's effectively what it is.

Instead of this you can focus on the fact that you have dealt with this before and come through the other side so if it happens again you will do the same. Life goes on.

debbs77 Wed 28-Dec-16 19:35:22

Thank you. You all make total sense!

These people that hurt us have a lot to answer for+

PaterPower Wed 28-Dec-16 22:29:17

My marriage ended because my exW cheated on me. Since then I have had one six month relationship and another which is in its third year and going strong.

I'd never have dreamed of checking the phone of either. It's a massive breach of their trust - almost as bad, IMO, as cheating. I understand why you're tempted to do it, but they may well walk if they ever catch you doing it.

I'm not a massive fan of counselling, but talking through what happened (with your exH) with a neutral party could help you process these feelings.

UnconventionalWarfare Thu 29-Dec-16 00:29:12

No i dont think you can ever fully trust again the nagging feeling stays with you.

Cricrichan Thu 29-Dec-16 00:36:18

Lack of trust will kill a relationship. Unless you've got strong suspicion that something is amiss then just trust (and yes, I've been cheated on).

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