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Friend knew about affair

(25 Posts)
Notgoingtobeamug Wed 28-Dec-16 11:50:47

I have another thread at the moment about finishing things with DP. We have been together 14 years, found out on holiday in July that he had been having an affair with a girl 12 years younger. Was trying to make it work but his deceitful behaviour has made that impossible and xmas was the last straw.

He has just told me my best friend knew about the affair but never told me. I'm due to be taking DS to lunch and cinema with her and her 3 DC in 90 mins. I don't know what to do, I feel sick and as if I can't trust anyone. I already lost my other closest friend (30 year friendship) over this affair due to the way she reacted. I feel so alone. He smirked when he told me and I am now sobbing in DS bedroom.

AnyFucker Wed 28-Dec-16 11:53:48

That is horrible. Cancel if you can't face it.

But just hang to let this new bombshell settle. Your STBX is shit stirring and enjoying it, it would seem...don't give him the satisfaction of a knee jerk reaction

Don't lose another avenue of support if you think you can benefit from her continued friendship. Hear her out first. Then if you are still not satisfied with her explanation, cut her the fuck off.

Best wishes x

Cricrichan Wed 28-Dec-16 11:56:27

I'm so sorry op. I've read countless threads from concerned friends and relatives who've found out someone is having or has had an affair and whether they should tell and views are split.

Listen to her. It's your husband that has betrayed you, not her.

grobagsforever Wed 28-Dec-16 11:57:44

I'm so sorry OP. So much betrayal. The smirk sounds especially cruel. If it were me I'd give the friend one chance to explain - she may have believed she was doing the right thing or be scared that you'd shoot the messenger.

As for your DP please tell me you're leaving him?.He sounds intolerable and cruel. So very sorry.

tattychicken Wed 28-Dec-16 11:57:56

Ask her. He could be completely bullshitting. She deserves a chance to explain. And speaking from experience, knowing something like that is a very difficult bomb to drop on a friend. Ring her now maybe? Or it will just be weird at lunch.

Crispbutty Wed 28-Dec-16 11:59:53

She was undoubtedly in an awkward position where if she had said anything, your husband would have managed to deny all and she would have ended up being blamed for stirring. Terrible situation to be in and I bet she has felt dreadful for as long as she has known. Talk to her.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 28-Dec-16 12:01:07

I was devastated when I found out friends knew about the affair and no-one had told me.
But then, they weren't my closest friends.
Just people I would have thought would have the decency to tell me.
They didn't.
There are so many threads on here about 'should I tell' or 'shouldn't I tell' and the response is very much split.
Some would and some wouldn't.
Often the messenger gets shot.

I agree, if you can't face the meet up right now then just cancel for the time being.
But do NOT let your sick, feckin' asshole STBEx mess with your support network.
Your friend already knows he's a lying. cheating cunt and she can help you through this.
Maybe a meetup with her on your own would be a good place to start.

Tell your feckless partner that he can have the kids as you are off out with your friend, on your own!
That would seriously mess with his head!

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 28-Dec-16 12:03:26

flowers. I hope you're going to get rid of that disgusting disrespectful brute you're with, but for now. That's another thread.
The are many factors here, that could have occurred. Your friend might not have wanted to tell you, as She may not have wanted to cause any upset for you. Pretty irresponsible yes, but Sometimes you just think its best to say nothing. What they eyes don't see and ear doesn't hear. The heart can't greive over.
Also have you thought perhaps your dh is making it up about your friend knowing. Just to dig the knife in further, and to try and cause trouble between you. Let's not forget he's a cheat, so can you believe a word that comes out of the lying hound's mouth.

Joysmum Wed 28-Dec-16 12:03:42

Damn right you'd be upset if this is true, I would cancel to go be you time to ask her and not take his word for it.

I'd want to know, the only reason people wouldn't because of how it would impact on them, not you. True friendship and humanity is putting others before yourself.

jeaux90 Wed 28-Dec-16 12:07:47

I would also hear her out. The person who has really betrayed you is your husband. Your friend might have just felt she was a situation where she couldn't win. Please don't shift blame on her especially at a time when she could be if support to you xxx

NeeNahh Wed 28-Dec-16 12:16:37

You only have his word for it that she knew and he is proven to be a liar. I don't think you should judge her or her motives until you have spoken to her.

SuperManStoleMyPants Wed 28-Dec-16 12:18:34

I have told a friend her partner was having an affair. It seemed the right thing to do as the ow was also a mutual friend and spent a lot of time in her house ect.

Shit exploded. She stayed with partner, ow stayed as friend, I got a verbal kicking and blanked by entire friendship group. Years of verbal abuse, a touch of physical and many many rumours later...

It's not always as simple as it seems.

Speak to your friend and hear her out.

BastardGoDarkly Wed 28-Dec-16 12:20:09

Are you STILL with this arsehole?!
Seriously love, what more are you going to let him do to you?

AnyFucker Wed 28-Dec-16 12:22:04

That is a very good question, BGD

jeaux90 Wed 28-Dec-16 12:25:19

By the way your asshole DH is just deflecting his betrayal and behaviour by telling you that. You know that don't you! It's sent you off on a tangent. His job is done.

SVJAA Wed 28-Dec-16 12:27:42

A friend of mine told me about her affair, it put me in an horrific position because I was also good friends with her husband. I couldn't tell him, because she'd have taken the kids away out of spite. She phoned and told me he'd caught her out and my response was "well what do you want? Sympathy?"
I've never spoken to her since. I called him and apologised and explained my reasons for not telling him. We've stayed friends.

SparklyMagpie Wed 28-Dec-16 12:41:27

Have to agree with BGD

Newbrummie Wed 28-Dec-16 12:43:37

Are you sure she knew it's not just him being a cnut ?

Hissy Wed 28-Dec-16 12:46:32

I won't be at all surprised if your eat friend knows nothing of your exdp affair

He's nasty enough to want to stop you of everything

Stay calm love and listen to her. See why she has to say

CalmItKermitt Wed 28-Dec-16 12:52:02

Don't rush to condemn her. Listen to what she has to say. Think back to your marriage, her perception of it... I've got friends who I'd tell immediately if I'd found anything out, but equally I've got friends who I know would sadly shoot the messenger.

leaveittothediva Wed 28-Dec-16 15:28:06

Well your in a very awkward position by all accounts. You can't really discuss this in front of all your children over lunch, and in the cinema. It's just not appropriate. It's not her that's put you in this predicament though, it's him and the ow. Don't forget that. You could just postpone, or get her round for a chat. You only have a cheaters word that she knows anything, what's that worth.......

BeaveredBadgered Wed 28-Dec-16 15:32:55

Give the friend a chance to explain. I was once told my friend's DP was seeing someone else and after thinking it through I kept it to myself.

AnyFucker Thu 29-Dec-16 10:53:53

How are you today, op ?

Fedupofhim Thu 29-Dec-16 11:14:46

He is being a knob, he knows it and is trying to weaken you , don't let him. Get yourself together, it's not you, it's not your friend it's Him that's the lower here.

Fedupofhim Thu 29-Dec-16 11:15:47

It's Him that's the LOSER.

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