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My ex still uses my email and facebook. It's a bit more complicated that just changing passwords.

(33 Posts)
RedStripeIassie Wed 28-Dec-16 07:53:39

We are newly split this month. Although he has some abusive traits, jealousy and paranoia about my whereabouts or who I was seeing were not one of them. E.g. He's never accused me of cheating. He uses my email and facebook because he is/was the ultimate stoner man child who never got round to actually creating his own. I'm not comfortable with having these things still shared with him but considering how badly it ended we are actually pretty amicable with each other. I don't want to rock the boat by saying I need to change the passwords. I'm worried that he would start questioning cheating and stuff for the first time and I don't need that. I even had to create a new email for mumsnet a while back incase he read pms.

We have a young daughter and I want things as smooth between us for her as well. I feel like there could be a back lash from this and he'll get paranoid about my fidelity for the first time ever. (for the record, I've never been unfaithful and sex/relationships couldn't be further from my mind. I'm actually enjoying not having sex)!

The other problem is all his massive family are on facebook and most of them he hasn't even told we've broken up yet.

But for me the worst of it is that as a sorry/favour to me he is dealing with the breaking of our rental agreement with our LL which is a massive source of anxiety to me. All the LLs communications are done through email so If I change the passwords I'll be left dealing with that which scares the fuck out of me.

Any advice please?

allegretto Wed 28-Dec-16 07:58:26

Keep the email account for now to deal with LL. Deactivate FB and set up a new account just for you. Get a new email.

Snowflake65 Wed 28-Dec-16 08:01:53

I agree set up new stuff for you.

MimiSunshine Wed 28-Dec-16 08:05:14

Instinct would say just change it but as it sounds like that will cause you the most stress I'd say just give up on your email and set up a new one / switch to your secret one.

Yes it's a pain but do you actually use it for long forms of communication with friends family or do you just use it for online ordering etc?

Either way email (from your new one) those who need to know and say 'please under no circumstances can they email the old address anymore' then go into your shopping accounts / bank / Amazon etc and change your email preferences. They'll send you confirmation it's been done.

And finally email yourself any historical emails you want / need and then delete from your old account (and empty your deleted folder). You don't need to mention any of this to your ex and if he notices any changes just say you don't know, you haven't logged in for a while.

Facebook is slightly more complicated, id say you are closing your account and mean it (you can always open it up again with a new password in a months and say people badgered you into it)

RedStripeIassie Wed 28-Dec-16 08:06:32

I don't want to rock the boat by deactivating fb. I'm happy to just give him the account as I don't use it anymore. I don't want things to become sour by deactivating things. I'm worried he'd think things about me that aren't true.

I don't want to have to deal with the LL at all. He's going to do it.

I've already got anew email.

RedStripeIassie Wed 28-Dec-16 08:08:47

Thanks for the responses. It should be so simple but it doesn't feel that way!

RickJames Wed 28-Dec-16 08:14:34

Just name change FB to his name and present it as a fait accompli, its a nice gift to him. If you miss FB just set up a new one with a nom de plume and pre block anyone who might give you grief and have it on highest privacy settings with a cartoon or picture as profile photo.

juneau Wed 28-Dec-16 08:38:55

Fine, so just take yourself off the Facebook account and make light of it if he questions you (I don't use it any more and with us being broken up it seemed silly to have a joint one), and set up a new email account elsewhere in your own name. Yes, its a pain, but you've broken up - so you need to do this and the sooner you do it, the better.

Motherfuckers Wed 28-Dec-16 08:39:21

You are being ridiculous. Why woud you allow him to use your Facebook, with your name? Either change the name or deactivate. And just deactivate your email. Why would it cause ructions? It really is a bit silly and easily rectified.

Horsemad Wed 28-Dec-16 08:44:25

Agree with MF - just get on and do it! You are over thinking this...

RedStripeIassie Wed 28-Dec-16 08:48:07

I feel a bit ridiculous now I've put it down in words! It all feels so much bigger and scarier in my head.

He has the yahoo app on his phone and FBI so both automatically open to my accounts. Even If I change the password won't it just automatically open in his apps?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 28-Dec-16 08:48:08

You may struggle to change the name to something totally different; it could trigger facebook asking for ID. He should be able to unlock it if he can send some, though.

Then you can set up another one. You'll be starting afresh but maybe that's a good thing. Start using the new email for everything except the landlord. You really can't carry on sharing; you've split up.

RedStripeIassie Wed 28-Dec-16 08:48:37

Fab not FBI!

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 28-Dec-16 08:48:56

Cross posts. No it should ask for a new password but both Yahoo and Facebook will have a "log out all devices" button you could use to make sure.

RedStripeIassie Wed 28-Dec-16 08:49:01

Ahhh ffs!!! Face book not FBI fangry

InfiniteSheldon Wed 28-Dec-16 08:50:13

I wouldn't deactivate there is no need either set up one of your own or disassociate yourself from the joint one with anyone you need to. Change the name to just his name people will get the message and email all contacts you wish to keep with a new email address. Your description of him as a man child is very interesting stop colluding and be independent you'll love the freedom flowers

Wonderflonium Wed 28-Dec-16 08:51:52

I don't think he'd accuse you of seeing other people if you changed your passwords now. You're broken up. It is definitely not "infidelity" even if you were seeing new guys right now.

You can either:-
Abandon the Facebook and email you've been sharing, and set up new ones.
Just change the passwords on both.

You need a break from contacting this guy (apart from the bare essentials about arranging contact), so if he questions the change you can frame it that way. "It's part of the break up process/I'm getting a clean break/I need this for me" and then just bring all conversations back to contact for your kid and refuse to talk about anything else.

Chops2016 Wed 28-Dec-16 09:30:36

The simple solution is just to change your passwords, if this triggers him to refuse to deal with the LL with a new email address of his own/by phone/post then put your big girl pants on, suck it up and deal with the LL yourself! If an "ultimate stoner man child" can handle your LL then surely it can't be that bad?

If you refuse to change the password, then it depends on whether the email address is linked to anything important for you- Eg PayPal, eBay, amazon, any account which may have your card details saved? If so then you need to change your email address on those sites to your new one (quickly deleting the emails this will send to alert your current email addy) then just abandon the old one and let him have that address.

Facebook who cares, let him have it and make a new account if you must. Its hardly important in the grand scheme of things.

Although I don't understand why you are going out of your way to avoid upsetting him when it's clearly totally unreasonable for him to expect to have access to your email and fb (even when you were still together it was unreasonable!).

You're making this way more complicated than it has to be.

Cherrysoup Wed 28-Dec-16 10:46:31

As mentioned, change the Facebook name to his and there you go. Set up your own with your new email. I don't see the problem, especially as you're broken up, what does it matter what he thinks? You're turning this into a big problem when it's not.

Cricrichan Wed 28-Dec-16 10:55:00

If you were seeing someone else and wanted to communicate with him via email then you'd just set up a new email. If he thinks you're seeing someone else because you want your email and fb back, then that's his issue.

Tell him that you've changed the passwords to your email and fb and that he should set up his own. Once he's set it up he can let your LL know his new email but to copy you in all correspondence.

BWatchWatcher Wed 28-Dec-16 10:58:14

If he is going to use the facebook account then make sure you get rid of all the photos of you. Remember these can often resurface as memories years later. Better to delete now then regret it later.

RedStripeIassie Wed 28-Dec-16 11:04:29

Thanks. I am overthinking this I know. I'm trying to reduce contact as much as possible whilst gently pushing some responcibilities into his hands.

EllieQ Wed 28-Dec-16 11:42:51

I was on your other threads Red, and I hope you and your DD are both doing well.

As previous posters have suggested, you can set up a new email address just for you, and slowly change your email address for various contacts (banking, Amazon, eBay, PayPal, nursery, friends etc), taking note of the comment above about a confirmation email going to your old email address. Keep the old email to monitor his contacts with the landlord and gradually move important emails to your new account.

However, if he knows/ could guess your passwords for anything with your card details, I'd suggest just setting up a new account with Amazon, eBay etc with your new email address. You might even want to set up a new bank account if he has your old account details. Sounds paranoid, but with his history of heavy weed smoking, I understand that you want to be cautious.

Regarding FB, I'd just leave it for now and use the account less. You could also set up a new FB account now using your new email address, and close your old account sometime in the future.

BWatchWatcher Wed 28-Dec-16 11:44:16

You're not over thinking. This is delicate territory. If you sign over the email account will he have access to your old personal email s? Could he email people and make them think it's you? If so I'd shut it down. Email relevant parties stating the old account has 'become corrupt due to a virus' and from now on ex DP can be reached atbthis email address and you can be reached at a different one.

RedStripeIassie Wed 28-Dec-16 12:09:17

Those are good ideas. The eBay, amazon and PayPal accounts are all in his name but linked with my debit card. (Yes I've been a mug!)

I'm not bothered really about facebook but he hasn't really told his family we've split up and I don't want a load of facebook questions fired at me from them when they find out.

I think I'll have to shit my email down and text him saying it's just part of a new start.

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