Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
informed about my Grandmothers death this morning by my mum, via text(11 Posts)
Hello all, bit of an odd post but I'm hoping for a fresh perspective!
My dear beloved grandmother passed away this morning and my mum (her daughter in law) informed me via a text message. My sister then texted me an hour later simply "there's a deal on at premier inn £48 a night if you book now for the funeral" I politely replied that I would like to take the day to reflect on what had happened but they proceeded to bombard me with hotel options and even set up a group chat to organise accommodation deals in my grandmothers home town. The funeral is not for at least 2 weeks.
Not one word of emotion.
My father called late afternoon but at this point I felt so overwhelmed by their lack of sensitivity I just burst into tears when I heard his voice. Not one for emotional situations either, he said he would call another time when I felt better.
My sister and brother (mid 30's) haven't seen my grandmother for years and didn't visit my grandmother whilst she was unwell over the last 6 months in hospital and I had to convince my mother to attend with me. My husband and my children visited with me several times (4hr drive) and my husband of 17years is very fond of my grandmother but my mother and siblings instantly suggested it would be easier for us,if he missed the funeral due to our own child care needs.
My husband is very kind and doesn't want to rock the boat but I feel he deserves to be counted equally.
At this point over the Christmas period, I don't want to fall out with them or upset my father but could anybody tell me if I'm missing something or being to sensitive? Should I say something or accept the way they are and quietly go about things in my own way? Thank you in advance, to anybody to takes time to respond xx
I haven't really got any answers for you OP, but I didn't want to read and run. Just to say that I'm so sorry for your loss.
My own dear FIL passed away earlier tonight so things are a bit raw in the Juno household. My DH is asleep now. I am knackered but wide awake worrying about all the things he has to do tomorrow.
Sorry for your loss OP.
I don't think there's any point saying anything to them.
Just grieve in your own way, ignore your DM/DSIL etc and make your own plans.
Have you thought about taking your children to the funeral?
There was a very long thread a week or so ago about children and funerals. It went on for pages with half for it and half against. I personally never realised some people thought it inappropriate. I took my young DCs to my DGM funeral (we had also been visiting her whilst she was ill) and I believe they gained a lot from it.
If I had heard of my dgm dying through a text the first thing I would have done is pick up the phone to talk to my mum and family, and we arent particularly close. I would have also made a point of calling and speaking to my dad as soon as possible to offer my sympathy as he had lost his mum.
Is this lack of direct communication, both ways, usual for your family? if it is, immediately after the death of a family member is not the time to bring it up. If you want to talk to your family about your loss, or just to chat, pick up the phone and call them.
Try not to overthink how others behave, some go into practical mode when faced with grief and start arrangements for something to occupy their minds or as their way of offering support.
It is you and your dhs decision if he and your dc attend the funeral. Unless your dad asks for the dc not to be there, then you should seriously consider his needs as its was his mum.
Sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry for your loss
Everyone deals with difficult times in different ways. It looks like you want to deal with things at a different speed to some of the rest of your family. Neither aproach is wrong, but it can cause friction when they meet.
Your mother and sister are dealing with this best they can. Let them. You need to do what is right for you.
So sorry for your loss op
I would grieve your own way
If needs be remove yourself from the group chat, and send a message that you will organise your own accommodation and would like some time alone to reflect
I don't think now is the time for discussing your family's approach to communication, and elderly relatives and grieving. See how you feel about it in several months time.
People do react differently to loss.
My dh was v matter of fact when his grandfather died, he heard by text and told me by text and then got on with practical arrangements. He had loved his grandfather as a boy, but said that he didn't feel the death was a bad thing, as we all die and his grandfather had lived a long happy life.
People grieve differently and have different relationships with the person that has passed.
My mum wasn't particularly upset when her pils passed away because they were close. Dad was but didn't really show it.
My my own grandad passed away this year in was extremely practical. He was in hospital for 2 days and I was practical then. It didn't hit me until a couple of weeks after the funeral. But even then I wasn't devastated. He lived a long life had a good life and firmly believed he was going to see his wife again.
Grieve how you want to and let others Grieve how they do.
It doesn't sound like they are cutting your dh out of the funeral, more that they are assuming you won't be taking the kids. Again if you want you all to go, do what feels right to you.
Crikey is this 'a thing ' nowdays? Tell people by text. How awful!
So sorry to hear your news.
I would just say you are looking into arrangements. Then decide what you want to do as a family. You might want to stay somewhere away from them! Just go ahead and book for your family if DH wants to go too.
I'd hoick up my big girl's pants & emotionally support your dad. The rest of your family can take a back seat in your emotions. Don't get over invested in how they're coping. Ignore them trying to dictate your family plans on how to proceed with the funeral. You & your Dh etc are an independent family unit. Not for mother/siblings etc to dictate. I've had anxious experience lately of just how emotionless texting can be during a crisis. It left me nearly losing the plot. I began to behave "oddly".
Agree with just picking up the phone & speaking to mum/sibling and thank them for their suggestions, but as they've enough to deal with, you'll make your own independent plans to attend. Please don't approach this problem in communication until things die down in intensity.
Whem my mum died 4yrs ago. Nobody in her family barr one older sister visited. Our aunts & uncles not once in her 8 yr battle with Alzheimers picked up the phone to offer support emotionally/practically. My siblings & I decided not to force a funeral tea after the cemetery. We felt it would make hypocrites of us all. Us & our partners and our children etc just went to Macdonalds for a coffee. None of her sisters came to the graveside or the chapel. They remained in one aunts' house just feet from the cemetery gates. So no emotional support again. But, and I say this spitting teeth. God help us because we didn't arrange an after funeral "drinking session". One aunt called our brother & swore. Calling us all " fat fucking bastards". You couldn't make it up. We continued to remain detached and hopefully what we felt respectfully dignified. We left them to their episodes. They just showed themselves up for what they trully were.
I hope it goes as well as it can for you OP. Just focus on your own Dh & family. I did that and saved myself a shedload of grief.
I'm sorry for your loss, op.
My mum took not well earlier in the year and was in hospital. My entire extended family was there with me to say goodbyes and support me as she passed away.
By contrast, my husband's uncle died a few weeks ago. His sister told him by text at around 10pm. My husband didn't call his mum or his sister or anyone else in his family (and no one called him) until lunchtime the next day. Nor did he go and see his mum until a week later.
People just deal with death and grief in such varied ways. However, for what it's worth, unless there are circumstances you haven't mentioned re: childcare, I don't think it kind of your family to say your husband can't or shouldn't attend the funeral.
I hope you are all able to find some peace. Sorry again for your loss
Thank you all for some very good suggestions.
I'm so sorry to hear of those of you who have been through or are going through the loss of a loved one also!
I did call my father immediately and then later in the morning but they were out. I then left a message for a call back on his return. My siblings are very matter of fact about emotions and they often get embroiled in arguments over future inheritance etc. Which I find pretty sad. So I fully expected the reaction but hopefully they grieved privately.
I will just continue to be polite and organise our own arrangements and offer support to my Father and family x
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.