MIL - don't know what to do :-(

[AyeAyeFishyPie]

Will try to keep his brief but I could do with some perspective please.

Backstory: DH's parents divorced when he was young. His mum remarried and then had three children close together (within 2 years) when DH was a teenager.DH had to share a room with the kids. DH then got into a serious relationship at 16 and basically moved out. We met and got married after that relationship ended. Early on in our relationship he cried and said he didn't feel like he had a home :-(.

MIL worships him (he is polite, successful, bright and good looking - I see where she is coming from!). However some times that doesn't turn into actual effort. His 21st (which we spent with them) was a washout - she hadn't even got him a card, we spent the day in a shopping centre trying to find him a present wih him there and then went to Ask for dinner because his 6 year old brother wanted to. No explanation was given.

They spent this xmas with us. DH and I are being careful as we are saving for a house but we hosted and we still spent at least twenty pounds on each of them (all 5 of them). Lots of expensive gifts were handed out for MIL, SFIL and kids. DH and I got a board game to share. That's it.

He says I'm materialistic. I think it's shoddy to be hosted by your son and give him a crappy present and still swap expensive presents between the rest. It's brought back his 21st. We are spending new year with them.

Am I overreacting and making this more than it is?

[EekAmIBonkers]

Sounds like he is the family "coper." Glad he has you in his corner. However families can be very blind to their own scapegoating/ostracising of someone.

I don't think you are over-reacting, but it sounds very entrenched and my advice would be to do all you can to boost your partner's confidence and sense of worth, rather than point out the flaws in the way his family treats him.

[AyeAyeFishyPie]

Sorry I should add:

DH'S says he doesn't mind about any of this - however he says that about a lot of crappy stuff.

[AyeAyeFishyPie]

Thanks Eek - that helps and sounds familiar. Do you think I should say anything to her? She is usually lovely - just stuff like this I think 'wtf were u thinking?' I would jump in front of a bus for him and I hate that he has been so let down by his family in so many ways.

[Astro55]

I think there is a difference between your expectations and DHs expectations.

It's a learning curve!!

He doesn't expect much so isn't disappointed - you expect equality and not getting that.

Where's New Years and what are you doing?

[AyeAyeFishyPie]

Astro - NYE will be at his stepdad's family who actually treat us really well. You are right that our expectations are different I just can't help thinking that his are low because that's what he is used to.

[Astro55]

They are! It's a protection shield - he doesn't feel hit by it because he shuts off from it -

At the end of the day it's just stuff - I'd just buy a board game between them next year -let them set the level because they won't change

[EekAmIBonkers]

I don't think saying anything to her will help as she and your DH's family have clearly blinded themselves to his having any needs or rights for a lifetime, and when things are so far out of balance it is very hard to acknowledge.

Just keep letting your DH know that you are for him and on his team. Showing him what real loyalty and love are like will be a much faster route to positive change for him, than pointing out where others have failed.

It's not easy, but he sounds a good man worth it!

[AyeAyeFishyPie]

Thanks Eek. It's so hard. I know I'm going to really have to bite my tongue NYE....