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Stressed boyfriend

(19 Posts)
nottomgates Tue 27-Dec-16 21:48:26

I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. At first he was calm, loving, easy going and lots of fun. For the past year I have been really down because of the way my boyfriend has changed. He tells me he gets easily stressed and I can see this daily. If he's had a busy day at work he comes home very moody and takes his stress out on his son and me. At first I used to ask him what was wrong and how can I help but this lead to the moods lasting longer. What I mean is he kept reliving the stress every time we spoke about it. Today he has been stressed and moody all day because we're going away in our caravan tomorrow and he's not very organised with what to pack. For the last week I have been packing my sons clothes, my clothes, the food etc. A few days ago I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to sort his sons clothes out and he said no not yet. My boyfriend has done lots of jobs on the caravan but has left all his packing to do today. When he told me he was stressed ( I already knew as he was swearing and being very short tempered with me) I asked what he needs to pack. He said loads. I said like what. He said he didn't know it just comes to him. Then he fell asleep for an hour and then complained he had loads to do. I respond to his stressed out moods by trying not to get in his way, trying not to say/do the wrong thing and he responds by asking me why I am in a mood. When I try talking to him about how I feel he takes his stress out on me we end up arguing. He apologised after a long while but I know he doesn't mean it because it always happens again. I am living with a butterfly feeling in my stomach constantly because I never know what might set him off. He wasn't like this when we were first dating. Why is he like this now?

everythingis Wed 28-Dec-16 07:12:53

Op I don't know why he is like this but feeling you have to creep around him all the time sounds like a rubbish way to live.

Madlizzy Wed 28-Dec-16 07:26:51

He doesn't get stressed easily, he just treats you like shit. This will only get worse.

Shayelle Wed 28-Dec-16 07:44:36

My boyfriend was exactly like this. It nearly broke me. So i dumped him a few months ago and Ive been 100000% happier ever since!

Shayelle Wed 28-Dec-16 07:47:32

Ps - he wasnt 'like' it when you were first dating ..he just knew how to hide his true colours. But after a while it becomes too wearing to keep pretending - so this is the real him, it always has been. He wont change. Are you going to put up with this shit forever more? Free yourself and get rid of the befative controller flowers

Shayelle Wed 28-Dec-16 07:47:44

*negative

CavershamTights Wed 28-Dec-16 08:24:21

Read up on emotional abuse. It never starts straight away because they have to be nice to get you hooked, and it will not go away once it starts.

Nothing you do or say can fix this because it's his problem. You are neither causing nor contributing to his moods. He has a choice how he behaves and this is what he chooses.

You are walking on eggshells and you get sworn at anyway. You do not deserve that and your son is learning it is an acceptable way to behave.

nottomgates Wed 28-Dec-16 22:17:15

I just want him to be better. And to realise what he has. I feel like he is pushing me away.

Gallavich Wed 28-Dec-16 22:20:27

Well he is pushing you away. Or he should be - as in you should be running away from this horrible behaviour. Do t make excuses for him, this is how he is choosing to treat you.

CavershamTights Fri 30-Dec-16 15:43:20

I totally recognise that wish. The sad thing is he will not get better - and if you keep waiting and hoping you may well find years of your life slipping past fruitlessly, while you walk on eggshells hoping it will get better.

Pollyanna9 Fri 30-Dec-16 15:59:54

Please do not fall into the trap of thinking 'I can fix him'.

Speaking from actual personal experience, you can't. It. won't. work.

It took me a long while to understand that it doesn't matter what the issue is - MH issues, drug issues, a bad childhood - it actually doesn't matter. If they're treating you like this and you're having to tiptoe around them all the time, it is simply not ok.

This atmosphere is around you and your DC all the time - and he will pick it up I absolutely guarantee it.

I wasted FIVE YEARS of my life trying to 'help' my DP to 'get better' with his PTSD - an utter, utter, utter waste of time.

And no, he's not 'different', your situation is not 'different'. Sadly these types of people/situations are all predictably very much the same.

Sorry, I'd like to be able to say ok just do x y and z and it will get better but really, it's highly unlikely that it will and you won't ever BE able to sort anything out if you are constantly trying to manage his moods and outbursts - you can't even talk to him now because he controls the chance of any change taking place by having an outburst and that ends that avenue of the starts of a possible resolution.

When you say 'I want him to get better' it is a red flag for me OP because it's not your responsibility. He's not ill (in that way) and even if he does have anxiety, if it's causing a relationship and home life like this, then it's unacceptable for you all to suffer because of it, regardless of the cause.

It is, plainly, totally unacceptable behaviour.

I'm sorry, I know this sounds so so harsh but it's borne of personal experience and years of my life that I literally just wasted; for nothing on someone I thought I could fix. Sadly I see it going that way for you too OP.

Hellmouth Fri 30-Dec-16 16:07:06

He sounds a bit like my DP, except my DP is a bit less of a dick about it. DP has social anxiety and depression; are you sure he doesn't have something like that, it's not really normal to be that stressed all the time in my opinion.

At the end of the day, though, if he's not treating you right, then you have to do what's best for you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 30-Dec-16 16:07:29

He is like this now because he has stopped pretending to be What You Want and is now showing What He Is.

Wishing him to have a different personality is a waste of time. Attempts to train or educate him into behaving in the way you want instead of the way he wants is daft too.

Did this behaviour ramp up soon after a big change, like you moving in?

CavershamTights Fri 30-Dec-16 16:21:14

What pollyanna said (I wasted 10 years thinking I could 'fix' mine)

And what rabbit said too.

Read Lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that'. It's an eye opener.

Pollyanna9 Fri 30-Dec-16 16:32:13

Isn't it shocking Caversham how many YEARS you waste on this shit!

I'm going to read Lundy now as I've not read it yet.

I still have lightbulb moments now and I've been split up from him for 5 years.

I can only suggest to anyone in this position, listen hard to the people who've been through it and come out the other side and don't think that your situation is unique and it will be different. It isn't and it won't.

God, I know that sounds utterly miserable, defeatist even, it actually isn't, it's just heavily reality-based.

CavershamTights Fri 30-Dec-16 17:02:31

Yes, if only I could get those years back angry

But EVERYBODY (me included) thinks their situation is different while they are in it. Because they are surrounded by the fog, and the fog lamp only shines backwards and from the outside.
Things which seem so complicated and insurmountable/unsolvable while you're in the horrible situation with poison being dripped in your ears constantly
'it's your fault'
'if we had more sex I'd be different'
'it isn't sexual assault - that can only be committed by strangers who don't love you'
'It's not interesting enough\imaginative/experimental/exciting/long enough'
'I'll have to go elsewhere if you don't have sex when you don't want to'
Etc

It is amazing once you're out the other side how many situations you read about that are practically identical to your own unique experience. It's like there's a manual they follow.

CavershamTights Fri 30-Dec-16 17:03:55

Argh - sorry thought I was on a different thread but it's only the particular list of poison statements that differs. Identikit abuse indeed.

Pollyanna9 Fri 30-Dec-16 17:54:50

Yep.

Ava7Susan Mon 14-Aug-17 00:40:24

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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