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What would you think if your new date kept mentioning an ex?

(16 Posts)
bluestardressinggown Tue 27-Dec-16 21:12:01

I've got another thread on at the moment. I have just finished with someone who I met only a month ago online and one of the reasons why I ended it was because they kept mentioning their exes which I thought was a bit odd and smacked of not having moved on.

I am not in contact with any of my exes, as I think this is the healthiest and best way to move forward.

Anyway, this guy had 2 exes - he would mention one which ended amicably a lot, like several times each time we met up. He still meets up with her, considers her a good friend, babysits her cats when she goes on holiday etc. His other ex finished less amicably and he talks about her in a less positive light.

Me on the other hand, will sometimes bring up an ex if it is relevant to a conversation but to me talking about exes smacks of not moving on and I found it irritating. Anyway, he has just sent me a text saying that he thinks staying in contact with exes is a good thing as it shows that the relationship ended amicably and that he finds it odd that I am not in contact with my exes. I was just wondering where other people stood on this?

Lilacpink40 Tue 27-Dec-16 21:15:02

I'm stuck with one ex as we share DCs, I'd rarely talk about other exes though, unless relevant to conversation.

Was he with his exes for a long time?

Cherrysoup Tue 27-Dec-16 21:18:30

It would make me think he wasn't over the relationships. Does he talk about them to make himself feel good, like all these women wanted me, aren't I great?

KatherinaMinola Tue 27-Dec-16 21:18:55

I'm like you and it would be a red flag for me. I refrain from mentioning my exes unless it is something important or very significant.

Trills Tue 27-Dec-16 21:20:23

If I'd only met someone a month ago I wouldn't expect them to be mentioning any one person very much. If the same name kept coming up a lot I'd wonder why and be wary.

If they keep mentioning an ex - nope. No time for that.

lampshady Tue 27-Dec-16 21:24:28

That's odd. Fine for them still to be friends (well, unless it's basically a relationship without the sex) but constant mentions would be off putting. Does he talk about his friends that frequently?

WellErrr Tue 27-Dec-16 21:26:35

I'd think 'NEXT!'

bluestardressinggown Tue 27-Dec-16 21:34:26

He did mention other friends but not as much as his ex. I didn't think he harbored any feelings towards her, just that he hadn't quite moved on. It was getting silly, he would mention her 3 or 4 times when we met up. I just found it odd.

He also mentioned his less amicable ex quite a lot. They have a son together. He would off load a lot of his issues about the relationship with me. Once spent over an hour in the morning talking about her behaviour etc. Access and financial arrangements are still not sorted. I just thought perhaps he should get all that resolved before trying to find a new relationship. He only moved out of his last partner's house in August this year, so it is a relatively recent split. I don't know, I just felt a bit like a therapist sometimes when I was around him. I have a lot of shit going on in my own life at the moment as it is so don't really have the head space to deal with some else's crap.

Trills Tue 27-Dec-16 21:39:25

He would off load a lot of his issues about the relationship with me.

You're definitely better off rid.

Lilacpink40 Tue 27-Dec-16 23:30:16

Only separated in Aug, 4 months!
I'd run now, you're his transitional woman and he'll no doubt have more before his head is clear.

rebeccas9 Tue 27-Dec-16 23:37:32

I went on a first date with a guy last year and we were talking about a shopping centre nearby, he said 'Oh I only used to go there to meet Kerry' and I was thinking, who the hell is Kerry and why is he mentioning this person on first name terms like I know her. Anyway it was his ex.

Foolishly I saw him again and was seeing him for about 6 months in total. He would mention her quite frequently and even post stuff about her on Facebook in a negative light. He knew I would see it too. I ended it because he was clearly still obsessed with her. Which he denied hmm

You've done the right thing.

BubblingUp Wed 28-Dec-16 00:34:46

I dumped a man after 2 dates who very clearly wasn't over his ex-wife. He didn't want the divorce (over 2 years prior), didn't know what happened (he claims), seemed depressed, talked about her a lot, got teary-eyed when discussing their joint children, reminisced about trips they took.

When I emailed him to tell him it was over, I told him I didn't think he was over his ex and wished him well and hoped he would find a new woman who would help him just look forward and not back - but I wasn't going to be that woman.

No clue what he said in reply, as I deleted his reply email unread. I didn't want to know - you know how that goes - could be anything from "Fuck You, no wonder you are single" to begging for a 2nd chance. Blah. But he would have gone along with dating me forever just on inertia, but I was just a placeholder-not-his-ex-wife. I could have been anybody, he didn't care.

TheNaze73 Wed 28-Dec-16 10:40:41

4 months is no time at all. He's not ready for anything heavy yet

Notsleepingeveragain Wed 28-Dec-16 10:42:11

I think any guy who bad mouths anex is to be avoided. They may have moved on but they cared about them once, they should respect that.

Toffeelatteplease Wed 28-Dec-16 10:50:33

I'd have no problem with the one he was friends with and think he is spot on

However the second is very recent and there's probably a good year or two before he settles into any kind of regular routine and it could be a very bumpy ride in the meanwhile. They would have to be pretty special to want to stay around through that.

I do think its very odd not being friends with any ex's. One was best man at my wedding and another is still on my Facebook friends list. Some relationships end in hellfire some peacefully and you are left with a decent friendship. I wouldn't terminate a friendship just cos they are an ex.

Trills Wed 28-Dec-16 11:37:42

I wouldn't necessarily have a problem with someone being friends with an ex, but I would have a problem with the over-mentioning when we'd only met a month ago.

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