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(21 Posts)
feelsosadtoday Tue 27-Dec-16 20:09:57

Anyone here that can chat about this? My dh suffers with ed (I have known since the early days of our relationship). He has sought medical help for this, attending appointments both with and without me where appropriate. At the last appointment further more specialised tests were discussed (to identify venous leak) and he was okay to go ahead at the time. However it's now some months later and he has lost all confidence in himself, he has said he is scared to initiate any contact in case he disappoints me and I am gutted for him. I have said moving forward with tests etc has to be his choice and I am happy and support any choice he makes. I fell in love with him and if it meant never having sex again I would happily do that to be with him.
We used to have an intimate life (it's amazing how creative you can be) but that has stopped now since the last appointment. I desperately want to help but I don't know how.
I hope this makes sense, sorry if it doesn't I'm genuinely in pieces I hate that he thinks he could disappoint me sad
Any advice?

NastyWoman16 Tue 27-Dec-16 20:41:50

Where did he get it in his head that he was disappointing you?

Have you been trying to conceive?

How many years has it been?

Do you know if he can get an erection and come on his own (with wanking)?

NastyWoman16 Tue 27-Dec-16 20:42:34

Sorry for all the questions - trying to get a broader picture and see if there has been some kind of additional pressure recently

feelsosadtoday Tue 27-Dec-16 20:47:57

I have no idea, I guess male pride maybe? We aren't ttc.
He says it's been his whole life and it's the reason he avoided relationships before me (one woman said it made him less of a man and that's really stuck with him)
Really the only thing that works is viagra (which we don't like because it vastly speeds up his heart) and cialis which works sporadically. No other stimulation works (we have tried!!)

Whitewhine89 Tue 27-Dec-16 21:20:25

ED1000 treatment might be worth researching if his underlying issue is vascular. This only used to be available in Edinburgh but I believe there are treatment centres in Leeds, Manchester & London also. May be worth considering.

feelsosadtoday Tue 27-Dec-16 21:23:22

Thanks whitewhine89 I will have a look at that

5BlueHydrangea Tue 27-Dec-16 21:27:03

How old is he?

feelsosadtoday Tue 27-Dec-16 21:28:33

He is mid 30s

NastyWoman16 Tue 27-Dec-16 21:33:19

Does he look at porn? Is that some thing you can talk about?

How does this problem make you feel?

Do you think he has 'given up' a bit?

feelsosadtoday Tue 27-Dec-16 21:40:02

No he doesn't look at porn, we have discussed if that is something he would like to try but he said that would make him feel embarrassed that's fair enough, I can appreciate why. I do think he has given up a bit but I can't say I blame him it must be awful to be in this position and to feel let down by your own body. I just wish he would realise it's not the be all and end all.
As far as I'm concerned my feelings are irrelevant I started a relationship with him knowing this and married him I love him. I wish he could see this then maybe the implied pressure of disappointing me would vanish.

NastyWoman16 Tue 27-Dec-16 21:52:33

Hmm. When he got viagra and cialis did he go to the doc or an online pharmacy? I have an other half with ED and have reached the point where it's just easier to use a tablet rather than go through all his frustration and sadness of trying without. I was looking at all the different ones available and there are a couple now which are like viagra but have been developed to have fewer side effects. He might want a longer chat with doc specifically about medications.

Relying on a tablet must feel rubbish but then I rely on a tablet every day to make sure I don't get pregnant. Even on the days I don't have sex. Even when the tablet makes me feel like crap sometimes. He needs to get over that psychological barrier.

When my OH grudgingly gave tablets a proper go, after a lifetime of ED and giving up on himself, he says now it's like he's having sex for the first time ever. He said it's like there was a whole thing he didn't realise he was denying himself. I think part of the problem was that he had convinced himself sex wasn't that big a deal... and I was being unreasonable making a fuss about it.

feelsosadtoday Tue 27-Dec-16 21:58:37

Only ever been prescribed from doctors. Viagra has been completely ruled out now for the reasons above, nothing is worth how such a fast heartbeat makes him feel.
It has been 10 months since the last appointment so I will speak to him about discussing treatment options again with the doctor.
Thanks nasty that was a really helpful post, it's good to know this has been an issue for others with a good outcome.

NastyWoman16 Tue 27-Dec-16 22:08:13

Gosh 10 months!!

Was it fun when you were using a tablet? Did he go "cor this is brilliant?" I'm trying to understand why he seems to not have any motivation?

What is intimacy like otherwise? Do you hug and kiss? Do you still do sexual stuff together?

He can be all dramatic and beat himself up about 'disappointing' you, but he also needs to listen to how it makes you feel.

This is a wild guess but I'm feeling that you might be reluctant to bring up your frustrations about it with him? It's a bit of an unfair gag on your feelings.

feelsosadtoday Tue 27-Dec-16 22:27:01

It's been 10 months since he last had a prescription so you can hazard a guess I'm sure as to when the last time we had sex was!! It was great when we could and we didn't leave the house for a few days! I think going from that to nothing is a huge knock to his confidence so it's easier for him to not try. We are intimate but it is solely based on me and while that's great in theory I think it should reciprocal, I don't want him to get me off if I can't do it in return (sorry for tmi!) so it's a bit strained there also, we are affectionate, cuddles, kisses holding hands etc.
I guess I am a bit reluctant to talk about how it makes me feel because it's not happening to me and I've always known, it's not like it's happened over time or as the result of an accident for example, I don't really think I've got any right to complain or feel upset by it.

NastyWoman16 Tue 27-Dec-16 22:33:47

Well the only thing that gave my OH a big enough kick up the bum to take decisive action was to admit how sad it was making me feel.

I knew he could get hard, knew he could come with hand stimulation, but when it came to sex it immediately fizzled. For a while it had me convinced it was because he didn't really find me attractive. I held it in for ages until it all came out with snotty tears on my part. I felt really guilty that I was showing I was hurt by something that really he had the biggest right to be upset about. But feelings are feelings and he had no idea I felt that way.

It gave him the motivation to do more about it, because he knew that it was worth it for our relationship.

NastyWoman16 Tue 27-Dec-16 22:35:38

Silence and pretending you're fine with it will honestly make him feel worse and that it's something shameful and not to be talked about.

feelsosadtoday Tue 27-Dec-16 22:43:13

I think if he could get hard he might feel a little more optimistic but that only happens with the help of tablets. Occasionally sometimes first thing on a morning but for seconds, this is what has made the docs think it's a venous leak as opposed to something psychological.
I completely get what you're saying, it's a bit scary actually like you're reading my mind but then I guess you've been there so you understand. I can't tell you how grateful I am that you responded to me.
The last thing I want to do is make him feel it's something to be ashamed of, I really try to do the opposite but perhaps I've gone too far and I should be saying that it is important for us and I need that intimacy from him. In the past when I've sought advice I've been horribly shot down for even thinking about myself in this situation but then the people I spoke to has not experienced it.

feelsosadtoday Tue 27-Dec-16 22:44:29

Had not has!

NastyWoman16 Tue 27-Dec-16 23:01:44

I found lots of helpful advice on MN - if you search "erectile dysfunction" within the talk boards the many threads come up. Worth a read - it definitely made me feel less alone at the time.

A common theme is the importance of talking about it. I found talking when out for a long walk or drive was good - that leaves time for both parties to have a break and think before responding if necessary, and I think no eye contact helped him. Bringing it up just after 'trying' was too emotional and made him defensive. Just before dropping off to sleep was also a bad time because he would then be unable to sleep for ages.

I also went on the offensive and tried to talk about my own bits as much as possible grin - smear tests, coil fittings, spotting, period pain, STD tests, etc - I tried to destigmatise sexual health. They're just bits.

NastyWoman16 Tue 27-Dec-16 23:05:53

Oh - when searching MN it's best to stick to the Relationships or Health boards! Just had a quick look again now and some of the AIBU threads are not v helpful...

feelsosadtoday Tue 27-Dec-16 23:11:27

I think after this conversation I'm happy to talk about it again with him at the appropriate time. I don't think I'd dare post anywhere else I've seen posts turn on the op when asking a reasonable question and I really don't want that to happen!! To be honest it's what I was scared of happening today but I really needed to talk about it!
You have made me feel much less alone tonight which I really really needed thank you.

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