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FIL won't talk

(18 Posts)
forwhom Tue 27-Dec-16 19:21:53

We are currently staying with the ILs (we live 4 hours away) my FIL does not talk to me, if he does he won't look me in the eye and normally it's to "tell me off" or make a joke.

He is also an absolute control freak, there are 8 grandchildren and he is constantly telling them what to do. All the adults are absolutely ok with other people telling our children off but none of the kids can get a break.

An example would be, dictating every move a child makes when they are handing a bowl of peas "now pass it there, place the spoon across the bowl, wipe your hands, sit on your bum, look the person in the eyes, say your welcome" these are children under 5 and yes we all bloody well make sure they use their manners and have clean hands and faces.

So how the fuck do I cope without wine (pregnant?)

fc301 Tue 27-Dec-16 23:27:20

Grit your teeth and promise yourself you will never ever stay overnight again. This is not good for you or your children. Find a Premier Inn, make out it's because you don't want to inconvenience them, but don't take no for an answer. This allows you to take back control of your own life.
You don't say how old you are but I can guarantee you you're too old to be beholden to this bullshit.

Chippednailvarnishing Tue 27-Dec-16 23:29:06

What's your DH doing about it?

PragmaticWench Tue 27-Dec-16 23:38:02

Fuck that.

Is this what you want to teach your children? We all have to accommodate other people, especially when you're a guest in their house, but why put your children through such extreme badgering? It's beyond acceptable.

Stand up for your DC and ask your DH to sort this.

forwhom Wed 28-Dec-16 19:02:34

DH can't stand it - no one can. No point in talking to him though as it will achieve nothing as previous examples of trying to talk to him have proved.

I wish we had the money to be able to stay at a motel. This time they are all booked but next year it's a must!

I think MIL might have said something because my son was touching flowers in the garden and instead of telling him off FIL said to DH "what is your DS doing" - hinting at us to tell him off.

I cooked dinner tonight which I am more than happy to do but did he even look at me or say thank you? Nope.

Oh and he literally grunted at me as well.

Heaven forbid the kids are in PJs and watching a show at 9am on Boxing Day (having woken at 8:30)

CockacidalManiac Wed 28-Dec-16 19:34:23

Why do you go to stay with them? Really, why? Why not just stay at home and enjoy your Christmas.

AnyFucker Wed 28-Dec-16 19:35:59

Why bother ?

Just stay at home and be comfortable.

ChuckSnowballs Wed 28-Dec-16 19:37:45

What is wrong with touching flowers?

ThisThingCalledLife Wed 28-Dec-16 20:22:58

Well STOP enabling him then!

You don't HAVE to put up with it, tell him he either behaves himself or you will just have to stay away from him.
Why are you all so passive when he's bullying the kids?

I have an older sibling who behaves like that with my nephews and nieces - despite having 2 kids of her own.
I have no problem pulling her up on it, i tell in front of the kids to stop it, to stop projecting her own anxieties and OCD onto the dc, that it's overbearing and bullying behaviour, that she's insinuating the kids can't do anything right, that their parents are failing them.
She's a classic narc and i know she does a lot of that deliberately to put us 'lesser mortals' down.

Of course she kicks off and creates drama - but i'd much rather do that every single time than stand back and watch the little ones picked on by a 40 year old adult!

Are you going to let him talk to your kid like that op?
Are you going to let him play his narcissistic, bullying games with you for the rest of your life?
He's already treating you with contempt in his own home and both you and your dh let him.

why does your dh think it's ok for you to be treated like this?
Sounds like you're all in FOG

Frankly, i would reduce contact with him as much as possible.
Invite mil to yours or meet up in public, just don't let HIM cross your front door or near your dc until he sorts himself out.
Actions have consequences, so set your boundaries with him and stick by them.

AnyFucker Wed 28-Dec-16 20:33:25

So many utterly passive women on here having shit holiday seasons year in, year out

It's fucking depressing to witness

forwhom Wed 28-Dec-16 21:25:31

I do call him out - I'm actually trying to be more calm this year. I have a tendency to lash out. But it honestly results in nothing.

I'm thinking I need quick one line things to say instead of holding it in and being rude.

We stay with them because we live 2 hours from the nearest town and have no neighbours. It's nice to be in the city and close to family over Christmas.

Don't think I will be staying this long again though.

How do you all deal with the inevitable fall out of addressing this problem? I've called him out on racism so many times he has finally learned but it's always his house his rules when it come to the kids...

CockacidalManiac Wed 28-Dec-16 21:43:54

You know he won't change; he's obviously a cunt.
It therefore comes down to a cost/benefit analysis. Is it worth putting up with him and his bullying just to be in a city? Could you not stay with other members of the family instead?

forwhom Wed 28-Dec-16 21:52:28

You are right - he won't change lesson learned.

I do want to think of what to say when he is being particularly belligerent. DH normally says something sarcastic like "and don't forget kids you can't smile as well" which gets them laughing..

Oh, didn't you know you can't touch gardens? Or anything really even the tat toy singing Santa unless you are supervised and have asked permission.

Chippednailvarnishing Wed 28-Dec-16 22:13:26

I've called him out on racism so many times he has finally learned but it's always his house his rules when it come to the kids...

So stop exposing your kids to this crap and taking them to his house.

CockacidalManiac Wed 28-Dec-16 22:17:42

Why not stay at home and make some nice Christmas memories for the kids, instead of inflicting him on them?

0hCrepe Wed 28-Dec-16 22:21:43

You should've told him to look you in the eye and say thanks when he ate the dinner you made!

cattychatty Thu 29-Dec-16 10:30:48

My exfil was just like this probably still is but he doesn't speak to me now because I had the nerve to separate from my exh. He is a bully and will never change and I will never have to say oh it's only frank (not his name) ever again.

fc301 Thu 29-Dec-16 10:43:15

We stayed at home this year, just DH & 3DC. No drama, manipulation, making you feel bad.
IT WAS AMAZING!!

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