Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm fed up of my lazy family.(21 Posts)
My DH is not actually lazy but he only does certain household tasks and never does others. He never changes the bedding, hoovers the floors, does any cooking, cleans the bathroom or kitchen. He does the majority of certain jobs - ironing, bins, dishwasher and we equally share laundry. I am sick to death of him not sharing certain tasks - particularly the cooking as it is a daily task. I can't not cook because we have a disabled and fully dependent teenage daughter who needs to be fed. We also have another teenager who is a royal lazy ass despite being fully able bodied and capable. I am pregnant and bloody tired and sick to death of having to cook when DH is at home for 2 weeks over Christmas. Dh does work full time outside of the home and I am a sahm / carer for disabled daughter. I don't mind doing all of the cooking when DH is at work but I really resent having to do it when he is off work. I have been grumpy about this all day, pregnancy hormones are not helping, and I have now told him that I fed up with it and as a result we are barely speaking. I am considering giving disabled daughter some of the leftovers from tonight's meal for her dinner tomorrow (there is plenty) and leaving DH and our other teenager to sort themselves. Is it wrong that I expect to share cooking duties when DH and teenagers are off work and school?
Do you feel he is generally not pulling his weight, or is the split fair but you just want to do less cooking? Does he refuse to cook? Could you have one night that's DIY, or takeaway/readymeal? Sounds like your lazy teenager needs some home truths too.
We can't do a takeaway night as disabled teenager has a very strict diet which means we can't eat out or have takeaways. I don't want to give dd leftovers whilst the rest of us tuck into a takeaway. I feel he pulls his weight generally but he avoids certain tasks completely and I am sick of thinking of things to cook and cooking it everyday (lunch and dinner although lunch is usually something simple).
So DH and I are not speaking now. Clearly he thinks I am out of order for being pissed off that he expects me to do all of the cooking when he has 2 full weeks off work.
Feed your disabled DD leftovers and leave your H and other child to fend for themselves. Moving forward, give your able bodied child cooking lessons and inform your H that you won't be cooking everyday and that on the days you don't cook, only your disabled DD's meal will be catered for. Necessity is the mother of all invention and once they realise that you aren't their skivvy they'll either step up or go hungry.
Don't cater for laziness by enabling it and that applies to everyone in the house.
I'm not sure your DH sounds lazy, more like he thinks of being at home as time off which for him it is but you it's not.
You and disabled DD have leftovers and leave him to get on with it?
I don't think he sounds lazy either, he does a fair amount of housework on top of his job and sees the rest as your area given you don't work.
He's on holiday, presumably like most people he gets five weeks roughly so wants to enjoy some downtime rather than take over the chores you usually do.
Id be kicking the other teenager into touch. Why isn't she doing household stuff?
It sounds like your dh does his fair share of chores seeing as he also works full time.
I get that you are the at home parent and it's not easy either especially with a disabled child but I think your frustrated with the wrong person here.
How old is your able bodied dd?
Maybe you could tell her,not ask her she will be helping with prep and meals while she's off aswell.
It sounds a bit unfair that you won't get a takeaway due to your dd food needs.
I'm sure she wouldn't mind for one night that you guys had a takeaway or a pop in the oven ready prepared meal?
Me and dh both work full time although I finish earlier two days a week to do school pick up.
On weekends I buy easy to cook but lovely food so it just goes straight into an oven and voila
Sometimes you have to eliminate some of the things that take so long just to make life easier. Ok it's not ideal but it works for us. The time to chill out more is worth much more than a full blown home made and cooked meal every night
He does a lot more than my husband does!
I made a comment to my dh today when he
expected enquired after a full breakfast. The comment was " I've done all the cooking" with a death stare.
He got it and sorted out food for us both. Sootica if that's the case take it up with your dh.
Well we had an all out argument and DH has agreed that he will do dinner every Saturday or Sunday. I don't think he is lazy as such but I get frustrated that he sees certain tasks as just being my responsibility. Yes he works full time but if he was single and working full time he would still need to make himself something to eat so I don't think I am being unreasonable to expect him to cook on a couple of days whilst he has two weeks off. Disabled dd requires a lot of care so I am not here with my feet up all week long. I have an hour round trip twice a day to get her to school on school days. She has several medical appointments each week and those can easily take up half a day each. She has prescriptions that need sorting and collecting at least once a week, dealing with incontinence supply orders, not to mention her actual physical care requirements which are exhausting and I do the majority of. I also do all of the food shopping (can't do online due to DDs restrictive diet and stupid substitutes being sent). DH does do quite a lot but he is choosy about which jobs he should help with and that is the only thing that pisses me off. Other teenager has been shown how to cook and is expected to help in the house but would rather have a blazing row every time I ask for help and I don't always have the energy for it.
Firstly I wouldn't even get into a row with teenager. Tell her she either helps at meal times or internet gets switched off and you will turn it back on when you feel like it 😀
I'm guessing your feeling bogged down and I'm not surprised with what your days sound like but there are ways to make life easier for yourself.
Online food shops do substitute but you can fill in the order with a substitute of choice only and if you have enough in at home in case they do sell out then you have the chance to go out and get the items when your out and about.
What jobs does your dh not want to do?
What jobs does he do that you don't?
My dh doesn't do taking down shower curtains and washing or stripping the kids beds as I do these things on my day off. He also doesn't clean out the rabbit as I do it on my day off however he will power wash decking and patio whenever he gets the chance which I never do.
He also cuts the grass and tides our v large garden which I never do.
I do a share of all jobs, there isn't anything that I won't do. DH won't cook, change beds, do hoovering, clean bathrooms or kitchen. I don't think he even knows how to work the vacuum cleaner that we have had for 3 years! He will happily go and do some gardening but I would rather eh floors indoors were hoovered than the lawn mowed unless the lawn obviously needs desperately doing. I suppose we have different priorities.
We have switched internet off on teenager many times and it doesn't really make much difference. I suppose we have been too lenient with her due to the guilt that we have over disabled dd taking up so much of our time and obviously not being expected to do any tasks (because she can't).
I dont think that DH is entitled to do nothing because he only has 5 weeks annual leave because effectively that actually calculates to 25 days annual leave, 104 weekend days (he only ever works mon-fri) and 8 bank holidays which added up means he is actually at home for more than a third of the days in the year. I would like a day off cooking every couple of weeks to break the monotony.
Dh should be supporting even taking the lead in kicking the able teens backside!
My dd is 15 and cooks at least twice a week, keeps her own room tidy, hovers, dusts sometimes, tidies, does own laundry - and I don't have half the stress/work/pressure you do! Though my health is poor and we are both disabled (in different and much milder ways than your disabled child).
Does the able teen get pocket money/privileges? If so they need restricted till they Buck their ideas up!
Even if dh cooked one night and able bodied teen Cooked one night that's 2 nights off right there!
That said could part of the reason they're reluctant be because they're wary of getting it 'wrong' for your disabled child which I'm guessing would affect her health? Ok for them to think/feel this but then they can LEARN what to make/how to cook.
Does able bodied teen do ANYTHING?
able bodied teen does very little. It's a task to get her to even tidy her own room. She gets pocket money only after she has done her own ironing and tidied her own room once a week. She doesn't do anything that benefits anyone else. DH has intervened with this numerous times but it has come to dd being almost sent to stay with relatives as she gets very confrontational (including physically).
Yes both DH and dd are concerned about he dietary needs of disabled dd. Her diet is very very specific and mistakes will lead to adverse health. I don't expect able bodied dd to be able to cater for her sister without supervision but I do expect DH to be able to do so seeing as he has had over a decade to learn. What would happen if I was too ill to sort things out? This is a big concern for me.
Annual leave is from his job outside home, it's not annual leave from being a husband/parent!
As for the able bodied teen, just because they have a sibling with disabilities doesn't mean they get to slack off! If they had a sibling who was able bodied they'd have to pull their weight then. Your disabled child's energy goes into coping with their disability.
"What would happen if I was too ill to sort things out? This is a big concern for me." Completely understandable.
When do YOU get a break? Do you?
If able bodied teen is angry/confrontational, while that's not fair on you (as a family) it maybe indicates they need some emotional support, perhaps some counselling? Are you getting all the support you can? Do you have a health visitor/social worker? It must be so stressful for you all.
Yes the able bodied teen does need support. I know it is tough on her and that's why we have been lenient but I think we have been too lenient. She has her own mental health issues and is under camhs but she is a very capable individual despite it all. We do have a social worker from the disabled children's team but they are only interested in disabled dds needs. We fought for a long time to even get any support for disabled dd and we keep fighting for additional support - another thing that I have to deal with.
What graphista says about annual leave is pretty much how I feel.
My ex was like that. At the time at worst we had a baby I was in good health and dds disability wasn't diagnosed till well after divorce. He'd lay in his pit till mid afternoon, get up make himself a sandwich
and a bloody mess in the kitchen get under my feet while simultaneously doing bugger all and if I dared complain 'I'm on leave I'm supposed to be resting' yes leave from work not from being a human being!!
I know from mn it's incredibly hard to get support and I wish you didn't have to fight so hard.
But wrt able bodied teen it'd probably do her mh good to have routine and be a full part of the family anyway. Part of my health issues are mh and I know I do better when I've stuff to do. That's common with many mh conditions. It provides focus and a sense of achievement. May be slightly galling but at least at first give her tons of praise when she does help? Do stuff together? Eg you cook most nights, dh can wash dd dry and put away? With a bit of music on make it daft and fun?
Maybe sit down with your dh when you get a chance the sooner the better and tell him your concerns regarding him needing to know your dds routine and feeding needs etc and that you need back up.
Agree together how to deal with able bodied dd and her laziness like any other teenager.
The sooner she learns empathy and how much her input is needed and appreciated at home she will want to help. I did and still do approach my eldest dc (18) with a positive "could you please help me with blah blah blah"and then always thank him and it really does work more than if they feel like your picking g or digging at them,which most teenagers think anyway!!
Our resolution for the new year is to get the kids on board at home more as me and dh both work full time and quite frankly the 11 and 18 year old are lazy soda if allowed to get away with it. This results in me and dh sitting to eat our tea some nights at past 10pm which is stopping as we get no time for ourselves right now.
I appreciate your disabled dd will take a lot of your time and that must be really hard.
Can I ask do you get any respite care at all or funding for it?
I know it's a battle but could be worth it as someone in to help with dd every now and then for a few hours could mean you dh and other dd doing something together,a cinema trip?,a shopping trip?tea out so your not eating it in front of other dd?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.