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Fall out with parents [sad]

(32 Posts)
magicgirl74 Tue 27-Dec-16 16:40:07

I have fallen out with my parents this morning and I'm so upset I can't tell dh what has happened as i will start crying again.A bit of back story I'm the eldest of 2 children me and a younger brother there is just under 2 years between us.From being very young i was always aware that he was the favourite and on top of that my parents were abusive,there I've finally said it its taken me a long time to acknowledge this.I can sort of understand why my dad was angry and abusive as he had an abusive childhood but my mums childhood was idyllic so I can't understand why she was like it.I spent most of my childhood terrified as we were regularly hit by my dad but if I've ever mentioned it as an adult he just says we weren't hit we were smacked but in my eyes there is no difference.On top of this i was badly bullied by a girl at school from the age of 8 until i left school at 16 so i was scared at school and at home and i believe this has led to my mh problems as an adult(anxiety and panic disorder)I have been on antidepressants since my early 20s and have accepted i will be on them for the rest of my life.Growing up my younger brother could do no wrong if my dad tried to punish him my mum would defend him but never me,he always got the exact thing he asked for at Christmas but i never did and he always had brand new clothes but i had hand me downs(god knows where from as i was also the eldest grandchild)usuall from a huge bin liner my mum used to leave in my bedroom.Fast foward to adulthood my brother spent a lot of time unemployed having been thrown out of 2 colledges and sitting about playing computer games.I would regularly come home from work and be told i would have to go to the shops as there was no milk/bread/cheese all eaten by brother,i got fed up of this and pointed out that db had been sat about all day so why can't he go and then all hell would break loose and dd would have a right go at me so i would have to go.Thats just a taster of what went on if i put all that happened i would be here all day.At 21 i bought a house with dh then dp and its lovely to live by my own rules and i could finally breathe.At 24 i married and a couple of years later i had my ds,i took the decision fairly early to have just 1 child and i think this is because of my childhood.My db also had children and from the start my brothers kids were favourite with my parents and for a while we kept away as if anything happened my ds would get the blame and my niece was often given gifts in front of my son who got nothing so we kept away as much as possible.Im now 42 and my db has had 2 different partners and 4 kids between both and is always in trouble with money and parents constantly bail him out but they won't here a bad word against him he's left a trail of destruction each time and 2 of his kids have behavioural problems because of his behaviour.I on he other hand are a constant disappointment and can never do anything right(what is it about me that constantly wants to please my parents when i know it will never be good enough) im still married to dh and my ds is nearly 16!and despite having asd is doing really well at school and is going into the 6th form next year but apparently im too soft on him and he is too spoilt according to my parents.Anyway recently my brother has met another women who my parents think is the beesknees(just like the last 2) and they have quiet quickly become besties with her mum.She is from a very well off family and my parents go on about it at every available opportunity they also are constantly trying to get us to meet them and to be hnoest im not intrested but they won't let up so this morning after shopping i asked hubby to take me to my parents while i have a word as they are making us feel uncomfortable especially my ds who doesn't cope well with change.My brother has proposed to his new gf and my parents are even more eager for us to meet them as they are getting married next year.I told my mum I'm not intrested in having a forced meeting and if i bump into them i will meet her then as i only really see my db once a year but they wouldn't let it go and just kept going on about the wedding and how i need to meet them and I'm sorry to say i just came out with what everyone else was thinking and told my dad i thought db was only marrying her for money.My dad flew into a rage and I honestly thought he was going to hit me so i left with him following me hurling abuse so i just snapped and told him he thinks the sun shines out of db arse.I got back in the car sobbing as I've never stood up to my parents before and I didn't stop sobbing until lunch time i still can't tell dh what happened as i feel numb and sad but i think the best thing now is for me to break contact with them as i still strongly believe they are the cause of my problems in adulthood I'm sorry this is a long post i just needed to get it out and i cant physically speak to anyone about it at the moment i just needed to vent sorry

Mouikey Tue 27-Dec-16 17:09:15

Sit down and tell your DH - no doubt he will be supportive of you having understood your childhood and issues your dp fling your way more recently.

I would also suggest NC or very LC with them and your DB - or try to let it go that your dp favour your Db (you're never going to change that).

Read your post back as well, you will realise all that they have put you through and realise that you haven't done anything wrong.

springydaffs Tue 27-Dec-16 17:19:45

Well done for standing up to them! You did GOOD flowers star

It's hard to stand up to our parents after a lifetime of abuse - but you did it! Well done.

Have you had any therapy? It'll make all the difference. I'm not sure the NHS is the place to go because you'll need long-term therapy (as all of us do who were raised in abusive families, the butt of their dysfunction).

Have you read Susan Forward's 'Toxic Parents'? You'll recognise a lot there.

Sadly, it is highly unlikely they will ever see how toxic they are - hence the blow-up when you spoke the truth. No matter, it was good for you to hear the truth from your own mouth. More powerful than you may realise.

Keep going, lovely. Getting free of our family's toxic legacy is a process that takes time - but it is so worth it.

springydaffs Tue 27-Dec-16 17:23:35

Just did a quick google about the favoured child . Worth a look.

magicgirl74 Tue 27-Dec-16 18:33:52

Thanks for everyones replies so far I honestly thought i was going to be flamed and told to stop being silly and that im just jealous of my db.I have told dh i will tell hem what happened when its nor so raw as if i tried now i would start sobbing again and also I don't want my ds to hear as they said some cruel things about him during the argument.I have just been sat in the bath and lots of things that happened over the years have come back to the surface and have made me really angry and anxious.I don't know whether to write everything down I don't know if it would help or make things worse,i have ordered a copy of toxic parents to my kindle to read and now I'm waiting for the call/text that will come in the next few days asking me to appologise for MY appalling behaviour.

Jayfee Tue 27-Dec-16 18:46:55

And how will you respond?

RandomMess Tue 27-Dec-16 18:50:34

Perhaps it's time to go NC and stop letting them hurt you so much. I would seek some therapy to help work through it all, you MH will probably improve immensely without their continuing toxic behaviour in your life.


roodie Tue 27-Dec-16 18:51:21

You poor thing. I have that affliction, needing to please my parents. They're not abusive but if I say ''I think I might resign'' and if they disapprove they'll punish me with silence. Then I'll feel really uncomfortable and say ''or I might stay until I find something else'' and they'll say ''that's more sensible''.

It doesn't sound much but i understand so well that excruciating feeling that you get when you know your parents are displeased with you. All i can say is ride it out and don't try to fix it. Let them see that you are able (finally) to live with their disapproval.

Patriciathestripper1 Tue 27-Dec-16 19:00:56

Well done you! flowers and yes write every detail you can remember diwn as far back as you can. it will be an eye opening liberating read.
I don't really see what you get out of the contact you have with your family except hurt and being made yo feel bad? Perhaps it is time for you to go NC and move on.

fc301 Tue 27-Dec-16 19:43:24

OMG magicgirl74 this was me a year ago. I could have written something very similar! Dec 15 I was crying in the bath in my own home and thinking 'I'm 43, I can't do this anymore'.
Its not you ITS THEM.
You have very reasonably not raised your unhappiness earlier as you feared a nasty response. When their treatment of you became so bad that you were forced to speak the response you got was bewildering and devastating in its nastiness. They are your parents so it goes right to your core. They raised you, they shaped you, they have direct access to your psyche.
It took me several months to get over the wounding. A year on the situation is not resolved. I have read up on lots of things and this (and my DH) helps me to know that I am not insane. Why not print the thread and show DH that?
This is narcissistic behaviour, manipulating you to feel that you are at fault and must do all the fixing. Narcissists control by 'triangulating' their children, one golden child and one scapegoat. You have not been treated fairly. They are supremely unlikely to ever recognise this.
By all means attempt to resolve this as it is your family. However be aware that their emails etc will be an attempt to manipulate you into accepting or ignoring their bad behaviour. Expect them to rewrite history. For example they would probably deny point blank that they said those things about your son.
It is not unusual for children of narcissists to tolerate their abuse until it starts to impact their own children.
A couple of things that I read which were extremely helpful to me were "Narcissists make woefully inadequate parents" & "the only treatment is to run screaming from them as if your hair is on fire".
In my case I have spent the whole year trying to persuade them that I do have feelings. Sadly I have had to accept that my DF is so selfish that he genuinely does not care about me, and my DM has 'chosen' him over me (which was another devastating moment when I realised that I did not truly matter to them). A year down the line I believe that he is still angry with me as I will not just toe the line and pretend all is well.
When I am NC I am MUCH HAPPIER in my own little family with no nastiness. I am learning not to get drawn in to the inevitable manipulative texts & emails, this just gives them attention which they thrive on.
I would say that you will definitely need therapy to work through these issues, given your MH issues and the physical abuse.
In the meantime writing it down will be hugely helpful, you will read it back and not quite believe it! I also printed out texts and emails, I read them all through at the end of the year when my pain had faded and have a clear conscience about all that I have said. I found it helpful to annotate their emails with my own thoughts.
I wish I could wave a magic wand for you as I do genuinely know how very very unhappy you must be, but please do believe me that you can come to understand the situation more clearly. Value yourself above all and do what is best for you.
Unmumsnetty hugs xxx

fc301 Tue 27-Dec-16 19:50:31

Narcissists also raise 'people pleasers'.
Books I have read:
Toxic Parents
Narcissists Exposed
Children of the Self Absorbed
The Emotionally Absent Mother
Healing your Emotional Self
Children and Narcissistic Personality Disorder - a guide for parents.
PS I still doubt myself every single day. But that is because I am a nice kind person with a conscience who never asked for any of this.

Cherrysoup Tue 27-Dec-16 20:03:58

Do not apologise for their shit behaviour. It sounds like a classic scenario of golden child versus you, not golden child. Your db can clearly do no wrong and you, especially as the female, should obviously be providing, forgiving etc. Utter bollocks. Don't let them treat you this way. Go low or non contact. What, in all seriousness, are they contributing to your life? Nothing positive, by the sounds of it.

Jayfee Tue 27-Dec-16 20:10:54

fc301i love your response. good luck op

OnTheRise Tue 27-Dec-16 20:11:07

I think our parents might be related, magicgirl!

You poor thing. You absolutely do NOT deserve to be treated the way they've treated you, and you have done nothing to cause this.

It's entirely up to you what you do next, but these are the things I'd probably do now.

Tell your husband what happened, as soon as you can, and ask him to not answer the phone or door to your parents or brother until you've both decided what to do.

Make an appointment with your GP ASAP and when you see them, ask for therapy. Tell them your parents are abusive and you're tired of being depressed all the time, and want to change that. You'll have to wait a while before you're seen but it will be worth it so long as you feel able to put the effort in to changing things. It's not easy but it's so worth it.

Meanwhile, read things. Susan Forward's book Toxic Parents is a great start.

I hope you're ok, and wish you well.

TheTantrumCometh Tue 27-Dec-16 20:34:37

fc301 hits the nail on the head for me. I end up disbelieving myself and downplaying the behaviour of my mother (and did with my father when he was still alive). It's actually only been in the last year or so I've truly been assessing their behaviour and how they raised me and how it's effected me.

I do not have the golden child situation. My DM moans about all of us, but out of the three I am definitely the least favourite. I will still try and tell myself that it's all in my head though. Partly because I don't want to believe, partly because I've been conditioned not to question it.

fc301 Tue 27-Dec-16 20:38:51

Thanks guys. I hope it is helpful x

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Tue 27-Dec-16 20:50:14

Ah magicgirl74 they should be so proud to have a lovely DD, son in law and DGS, you deserve so much better than this, it's all them with the problem - not you. Chat to your DH, have a good cry if you need to, and have a think about what you really get out of this 'relationship', as PPs have said it's probably time to go NC or LC.

No where near as bad as your parents but I'm also not the favoured/golden child. This week alone they've had Dsis and family to stay, we've not had even a phone call to wish our DC Merry Christmas (I had to call them), never mind bothering to see them and just found out today they took all my other siblings, nieces and nephews out for dinner and we weren't invited (I found out by accident).

Focus on your lovely family.


MrsBertBibby Tue 27-Dec-16 20:58:46

Why not just copy your OP and email it to your husband (or just show him the thread).

Sharing this crap will really help.

springydaffs Tue 27-Dec-16 22:28:51

Yes it will help to get it out but it would probably be better to work with a therapist as you do it. Because it's not unusual that when it first comes out you/one can feel quite intensely panicky and full of shame - you'll need a strong presence to metaphorically (or literally!) hold your hand. Which may be your husband btw? or, of course, a therapist who is trained to safely 'hold' people as they negotiate difficult memories and truths.

Try to ride through these intense feelings and wait for them to pass - it is the stench of it all coming out (at last): it's been buried for a long time.

The shame isn't yours btw. It will feel like it but it really, really isn't. It belongs entirely to them. Though even that is challenging to accept. flowers

magicgirl74 Tue 27-Dec-16 22:54:13

I'm so sad so many of you have been through similar no child should go through what we have been through and still carry the hurt into childhood.The more i sit here the angrier i become and my anxiety is through the roof(my physciatrist has increased my antidepressants)iv been trying to occupy my self by cleaning the bathroom and thats when dh and ds know I'm not coping as i hate cleaning,its the only time my house is immaculate when I'm ill.It helps that others have suffered the same and have come out of the other side although i imagine it's something you never totally get over.I will not be apologising and i do not want to talk to them and I don't care if I don't see them again,if my late nan was still here she would be appalled at how they are carrying on.The one consolation is that my ds is happy,loved(i tell him everyday)and caring and this is because i decided I wasn't going to be like my parents.Im still really churned up and I doubt i will get much sleep tonight.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Tue 27-Dec-16 23:52:32

Have you seen the stately homes threads in Relationships? Might be worth having a read/joining in, I lurk sometimes, although it's horrible that other people are going through it, it helps to know you're not imagining it, to stop minimising their behaviour and that other people understand.


MistressMaisie Wed 28-Dec-16 07:17:06

I am imagining the look on your DB s future in laws' faces when they realise what a selfish arsehole their DD has Chosen!

He sounds awful

I had a useless DB and now I am older I so regret all the worry and stress that me, DM and my dSis went through trying to solve his marriage and money probs (he is 70 now and still a liability but thankfully I no longer engage).
You cannot fix or change other Adults, please disengage and look after yourself and yours, that is the only way.

Ratbagcatbag Wed 28-Dec-16 07:34:08

I too had a very similar upbringing. Only difference being my mum was passive and let it happen.
If you can, I'd strongly recommend getting some counselling. I had some arranged through work to start with and then continued paying privately afterwards. That was 3 years ago. I'm now down to once a month but that one hour a month to unload, share and review things is a bloody godsend.

I am now no contact with my dad, and quite low contact with my mum and it's definitely on my terms.

magicgirl74 Wed 28-Dec-16 18:08:04

I had an awful night last night i woke several times having a huge panic attack and found it hard to drop off.Ive tidied my spare room which i decorated as the room i would retreat to when im ill as i find it difficult to have people round me when my mental health becomes worse.Last time i was ill about 3 years ago i ended up in a phyciatric hospital and it was awful and i never want to go there again.Im really angry that my parents have caused me to become ill again why do they have this hold over me? I'm 42 for gods sake.The more I've thought back to my childhood the more sad and angry i become,I've realised they have never cuddled me or told me they love me and also i was a very good long distance runner in my teens and was chosen to run cross country for the county team but they never came to cheer me on and 1 year your parents had to drive us to where we were competing but my parents were to busy so i gave up.All through my life i have tried to please others and as a result i tend to get used/walked over by people and as a result i try not to become to friendly with people so im very much a loner.When my mental health takes a turn for the worse i usually keep a diary but this time im keeping a journal documenting the start of my new life without my parents and generaly putting myself first for a change.Im under no illusion that the next year will be difficult and painful but i have finally realised that i get nothing from my relationship with them and they have used me for years as my hubby had a well paid job and was always borrowing money from him but since he was made redundant in march and we have to watch the pennies we are of no use to them now,I think thats why they have jumped all over my db new partner as she is very well off so they can borrow from them now and it will make a change from them throwing money at db all the time.I will leave them to it at least I won't have them constantly going on about how i will have to look after them when they're old(the had already decided we would have to buy a bigger house to accommodate them)what really hurts is the fact I'm now a parent and my ds is my whole world and the most important person to me and I can't get my head around how my parents have treated me.

springydaffs Wed 28-Dec-16 18:14:17

Big squashy hug.

This is the horrible bit. And this will pass. Hold on, it WILL pass. flowers

You're birthing a new life and, as you know, birth is painful. But what you get at the end is MORE than worth it.

Delighted to hear about your journal. You go girl star star

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