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You haven't stopped loving him, it's your depression

(13 Posts)
Everstrong Tue 27-Dec-16 15:42:43

So says my DM anyway hmm

Background: DH and I have been together nearly 8 years, we have a school age DD.

The spark left some time ago, I have a lot of issues following sexual abuse as a teenager which I have largely resolved (lots and lots of therapy on my part).

I still have depression however and I have tried to leave DH several times, we are the best of friends- have a laugh, never argue, support each other through the bad times but honestly it would be like having sex with my best friend which would just be weird.

I'm in my early 30s so I feel like there is a chance I could eventually move on with my life and find another partner but my problem is my mum (and the rest of my family really) are determined that I actually still love DH and the problem really is my frequent bouts of depression which are clouding my judgement.

I feel so alone, I can't talk to my friends about this, my family don't really believe what I say about my feelings and I have no idea what to do next.

HecAteAllTheXmasPud Tue 27-Dec-16 15:52:12

It doesn't matter what they think. They have no power to prevent you ending your relationship if that is what you want to do.

Have you talked with him? When you 'try to leave' what happens? Do you pack and go or do you say you want to go? How does it all unfold?

If you don't feel that you are romantically 'in love' and you want to leave - leave. You have the right to do so. Your mother cannot force you to stay, your relatives can't, your husband can't.

There are many people who would consider best friends, never arguing, laugh together, close, supportive - to be a description of a fucking great long term relationship and far more realistic a picture than ever lasting sparks and decades of lust and so perhaps that's where they are coming from. But still, it's your life not theirs. And you and your husband both deserve to be in relationships with people who truly want to be in them.

if it isn't making you happy, you don't have to stay and you don't need permission to leave.

Talk to your husband. If you want to leave, make plans to leave.

Perhaps it might be a good idea to go to relationship counselling by yourself first, to explore what you think a marriage should be like and why. your friends and family are clearly not best placed to help you work through all this.

Everstrong Tue 27-Dec-16 18:05:13

Thanks for your reply Hec

There are many good things about our relationship but the one thing that has really killed it for me is DHs addiction to work.

He can't have conversations about emotions and how to deal with them- his solution is to throw himself into work. Longer hours, more overtime etc.

I resent him for this because when I had DD I really didn't cope well, I had terrible PND and rather than being there for me, he worked more and more. I'll never forget sitting on my bedroom floor with a screaming baby and crying my eyes out because I felt so alone and isolated (our families are both in different countries)

I know it sounds petty to hold on to that after so long but I feel like when the chips really are down, he pushes away from me and it hurts.

HecAteAllTheXmasPud Tue 27-Dec-16 18:12:24

It would hurt me too.

RandomMess Tue 27-Dec-16 18:19:36

My DH emotionally shut me out when he got ill, I nearly ended up having a breakdown and my depression came back worse than ever. We are still together and both working hard to build a different relationship.

If you DH isn't prepared to learn how to emotionally support you than it's never going to be what you need and continue to keep you depressed IMHO

fallenempires Tue 27-Dec-16 18:49:09

Sorry to hear about your illness.You need proper support around you.Sounds as if your DH is coping by throwing himself into his work.I hope that he can find ways to educate himself about the illness.Have you anyone else in RL that you can turn to (who has preferably been a sufferer or has seen a loved one suffer)for some advice & a much needed handhold?

Everstrong Tue 27-Dec-16 22:26:37

Sadly I don't really have anyone in RL that I can talk too about it- my family are very much of the ilk that mental health problems can be overcome by "just getting on with things" which isn't great advice.

DH works in a medical field, I think he just doesn't get the whole mental illness thing. He's never been depressed so he feels he just can't relate.

fallenempires Wed 28-Dec-16 00:09:58

Sadly it's a typical response from those who haven't suffered or just can't relate.It's still a taboo subject despite it being a hidden but nonetheless debilitating illness.
Is it worth moving this to Mental Health for a bit more support?

Brewdolf Wed 28-Dec-16 00:24:18

Most people don't understand MH issues. I've suffered and I can't say I understand anyone elses.

In some respect I do get the assertation that maybe your depression means you aren't viewing this well. And it could be true.

However this doesn't mean your feelings should be discounted. In fact your diagnoses should mean that's more of a reason to discuss things. I know how hard it is to feel lonely when you're with your own DH.

You probably know this but your problem is not your depression but the people around you failing to accept it. If your DH can't cope with it then perhaps moving on would be the right thing.

fallenempires Wed 28-Dec-16 00:40:16

Brewdolf I think the big difference here is that you have/had the illness so can at least understand that others suffer too even if you can't understand their own definition of the illness as such.I speak from my own experiences with depression & anxiety.

Brewdolf Wed 28-Dec-16 00:50:12

fallen absolutely. I have DFriends who have suffered the same 'illnesses' as me, but our experiences and understanding are not the same. But that doesn't mean any of us are wrong either. I had a friend convinced that people like us shouldn't be in relationships, but I think that't bull - we need people who see and love us for us.

Family member's mainly df told me it was me that was the issue, but ultimately my xH is still struggling to hold down relationships, NT sister's relationships crumble all other people's fault of course, yet DH an I are still standing nearly 10 yrs later. We're learning that our illnesses are both not us but are us too.

fallenempires Wed 28-Dec-16 01:28:51

You make perfect sense Brewdolf It's lovely to hear about your support for each other,I think that although it won't necessarily make the illness go away(which it won't) it is reassuring to know that you both have each other.

Everstrong Wed 28-Dec-16 11:21:06

Thanks for your replies, Brew I think what sticks out for me is that I've had the same feelings even when I haven't been depressed- I've been fortunate to have long periods of remission between episodes and yet the feelings still haven't changed with respect to DH.

I have always felt that relationship counselling would really help us but I am at the stage now where I feel so down-trodden with everything, the self preservation is kicking in and just telling me to get out of the situation.

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