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Advice Needed...

(33 Posts)
NotOriginalNamechanger Tue 27-Dec-16 15:18:54

I need some help on gaining some perspective and don't really want to talk to friends. Apologies as this is long as I don't want to drip feed.

DH and I have been married 16 years, together for 21. 2 Children, 10 and 5. Generally pretty happy. But with a few issues.

So the day before Xmas Eve both children were out on play dates and he mentioned he was disappointed with our sex life (which is a fair point as it's rubbish, not had sex since before March this year). He's had a bad back for months and that only got resolved in October.

He then went on to say that he found the fact that I have not completely lost the baby weight from DS (5) 'didn't really do it for him, but with the right underwear we could work around it' .! I said that in the new year I would be trying to loose weight.

I was astounded as I'm pretty happy with my figure , yes, I'm not the size 8/10 I was 20 years ago, but I'm 5ft8 and weigh 11 stone so a size 14. Although admittedly I would like to be a stone lighter and in a size 12.

I pointed out that as he smokes weed most nights down in his shed after the children have gone to bed I don't want to have sex with him anyway.

We ended the discussion (which was had calmly) although I did say to him I was finding it hard not so shout and be unpleasant as I felt like he has said an awful thing.

He was apologetic and said he didn't want to upset me as he loves me very much but as we're only in our 40s he's not ready for a life without sex which it seems we are looking at. He said he would be willing to go to see a counsellor to discuss out issues as he wants us to make this work.

So that's his side of it.

Mine is that I am now so angry. Angry at the '..we could make sex work with the right clothes' comment. I just keep hearing that over in my head and thinking 'How DARE you? What makes you think I would want you near me ever again after that comment'

It's also caused me to think about the whole marriage. We're so different. Apart from the children we have little in common.
I have realised this year that I am at my happiest when he's not around (ie hes out for an evening or I have a day out with the children without him). I feel like he's a miserable old git.

However, I wonder what to do. We parent very well together and we do laugh a lot. i guess we need counselling.

I just thought it would be jntestjbg to hear other women's thoughts on this. I'm going to post this now and will be back in a couple of hours. If you've managed to get this car and have some advice; Thank you in advance.

AnyFucker Tue 27-Dec-16 15:24:31

Well, that comment about "getting round it with the right clothes" would kill any remaining sexual attraction I had for him stone cold dead

I would consider my marriage over

NotOriginalNamechanger Tue 27-Dec-16 15:41:23

AF, I was hoping you would see this. Thank you. You have managed to put how I feel in two lines.

Can I really end a marriage over this? It feels trivial but not.

I'm basically just looking at him and thinking fuck off.

And then thinking of the logistics in divorce and how its going to be awful for the children. But I don't think I can get past it.

And neither do I want to really.

Pipsqueak11 Tue 27-Dec-16 15:45:05

Surely you would try counselling first before just giving up?

expatinscotland Tue 27-Dec-16 15:49:08

So it's all your fault then. Because that is exactly what 'you don't do it for me anymore because you don't look the same as you did 20 years ago but if you do thinks to my tastes I'll deign to shag you' means. From a guy who smokes weed all the time.

Yeah, it'd be over for me.

The weed habit alone would end it for me.

Cricrichan Tue 27-Dec-16 15:51:52

Woah. As AF said, any remaining shred of sexual desire would be gone forever if anybody said this to me.

Aside from the fact that you're not overweight at your height and your size, even if you were it shouldn't affect sex or sexual desire.

And also, even if he did think that, to actually say it to you is pretty unforgivable.

And I suppose he's an Adonis with rippling muscles and a massive cock? Did you tell him that if it was dark enough and you were drunk you could work around the fact that he was a pasty weedy bloke with no imagination ( or similar).

Mouikey Tue 27-Dec-16 16:05:55

So with your height and weight you are in the perfectly normal BMI range. I bet you look great but if you feel like you should lose weight for you do it. I wouldn't do it for him though!

Is he planning to stop smoking weed? Would he even be able to 'get it up' if he is stoned every night (and use for pain relief is not an excuse). Personally the smoking weed is a very unattractive especially the stoned phase!

To me this all seems one sided - why the relationship isn't working for him. Did he even ask what your thoughts are or did you have to offer them without question? That would also be telling.

I guess only you can decide how much effort you want to put into this relationship to get it back on track, if indeed the two of you together is what back on track looks like.

pklme Tue 27-Dec-16 16:13:19

You mentioned you are happiest when he is not around...

He said, out loud, to you, he doesn't really fancy you anymore, but is prepared to overlook it if you let him package you. That is a double whammy, that he thinks it and that it's ok to say it.

What's left to save?

jeaux90 Tue 27-Dec-16 16:19:41

Fuck him and tell him to stick his weed up his arse.

Rude bastard.

NotOriginalNamechanger Tue 27-Dec-16 16:31:57

Thank you all for you comnents.

Pips....we will go to counselling...mainly now as I think it will help us deal with the inevitable split.

Expat...issue with the weed is that we both used to years ago...he knows how much I hate it now...I've told him if I met him now it would be a deal breaker. He resolutely refuses to stop and will smoke for a few months, stop for a few...and so on...

Cri...ha ha, oh yes, he of course is a total adonis..male model type...

I do feel the comments are unforgivable and the final straw in the marriage.

I just need to work out the next move and woman up a bit. Get organised and come up with a exit plan. I'm in work tomorrow so will have some thinking space. feel very scared about the future. And could cry when I think of splitting the family but cannot be arsed with his sorry arse anymore.

Do be good to be away from the house as Mil is still here...

expatinscotland Tue 27-Dec-16 16:41:12

It's all about him, him, him.

fallenempires Tue 27-Dec-16 16:45:04

Horrible horrible comments no wonder you have zero feelings for him.He should love you because you're his wife & mother to his children.
I dread to think what comments he'd come out with if god forbid you suffered from some life changing illness or disabilty.
I am also very firmly in the camp that children should be brought up to see happy,loving adult relationships.
From what you've posted it doesn't sound like one & I'd be seriously thinking of the only available way forward which is the one I chose...divorce.

NotOriginalNamechanger Tue 27-Dec-16 17:15:14

Fallen..I had thought that too...if I had some life changing illness he's not going to be there.

I honestly just don't know where to start.

Nobody I know has been divorced and I don't know what to do first.

I don't want to end up in some together for the sake of the children marriage (which my parents had). I just find the idea of my children not seeing him everyday heartbreaking for them. I need to remember that my happiness matters too.

Thinking next year is going to be a tough one but in 12 months I'll be ok.

Any tips on where to start ? I know he'll come out with some shit like 'well we've always been honest with each other
...I'm not going to lie' grrr

expatinscotland Tue 27-Dec-16 17:27:17

'I know he'll come out with some shit like 'well we've always been honest with each other
...I'm not going to lie' grrr'

Then you tell him, well then, I won't lie, either. You have a real cheek to tell me if I get trussed up the way you like you'll deign to fuck me and tell me I'm fat. How fucking DARE you! Take a look in the mirror. I'm done with this. I'm done with your insulting me and telling me you're just 'being honest'. You're being hurtful and rude. I'm done with living with a skunk addict, and that's what you are, since you like honesty so much. I want a divorce because you're right, I'm not willing to live a life without sex with someone who cherishes me and isn't an addict.

AnyFucker Tue 27-Dec-16 17:38:36

It doesn't matter what shit he comes out with

If you want to end the marriage, go right ahead. You don't have to justify yourself to him or anybody. He can still be a decent father to his kids. What's the betting he does shit at that too ?

fallenempires Tue 27-Dec-16 17:44:29

Yes you've nailed it on the head.You do deserve to be happy & your children want a happy Mum.You may not think that they hear or see things but they will have picked up on the tension.
He is at worst emotionally & mentally abusing you which are all grounds for divorce and he thinks so little of you that he seems to have completely forgotten his marriage vows.
True you may know nobody who is divorced but that's because they either both work together as a couple despite all the difficulties life might throw at them or they are just muddling along hoping for it to get better as it can't get much worse.
There's never a good time to divorce but I do as I say feel very strongly that staying together & making do is very damaging both to you & your children.
H can still see his children & have access to them of course he can.
Remember it his him who has destroyed the whole family dynamic & not you.

expatinscotland Tue 27-Dec-16 17:48:44

And he doesn't want to 'make this work', he wants YOU to make it work for him.

fallenempires Tue 27-Dec-16 17:52:38

Agreed expat hardly life partner material!

maras2 Tue 27-Dec-16 17:59:19

YUCK1 Weed smoking and inappropriate comments about 'baby weight' would shrivel my clitoris and heal up my vagina.
Best of luck.You sound strong and sensible enough to see this through. flowers

daisychain01 Tue 27-Dec-16 19:48:00

Fact is you have made the first big step towards getting him out of your life, recognising he's full of shit and erodes your sense of self-worth with shallow, derogatory comments about your body that gave birth to those DC.

Everything else will be easy by comparison. Take your time, get thee to a solicitor to get advice on next steps, and start to make plans towards the next phase of your life.

Check if you have legal cover through your household insurance, it invariably gives cover up to £100K as standard. it may provide you some early support to get your plans started.

NotOriginalNamechanger Tue 27-Dec-16 20:07:03

Ladies, thank you all so very much. When I started these thoughts a few days ago I knew where I needed to go to put straight.

Just need to find a good point to mention our marriage is dead now. Hmm waiting on Mil to go home and then we can discuss. Until then I'm just avoiding being in the same room when it's just the two of us.

Thank you for the practical points for legal cover. Dreading the actual logistics of the split. Wished we had loads of money to set up two decent homes but guessing we'll both end up in small flats.

expatinscotland Tue 27-Dec-16 20:21:24

He's a disrespectful skunk addict. He goes months without but you know he'll just go back to it. And yet you're the one who needs to dress up in underwear and lose weight to please him. What a loser! Let's see how much sex he's getting when he's on his own and women out there won't touch him with a 10-foot barge pole. Nothing worse than some weedhead who thinks he's gorgeous and the women of the world need to look like a supermodel for him.

fallenempires Tue 27-Dec-16 20:54:28

Not plenty of support here if you have nobody in RL to guide you through.I was fortunate to have some RL support which helped me enormously & although it was horrible & it dragged I finally got through it all.
Interesting post by daisychain about the legal cover on home insurance,I had absolutely no idea about that covering a possible divorce.If you're reading daisy could you clarify this please?
Maras hahaha loved your post,funniest thing I've seen all day,bet you agree Not grin

NotOriginalNamechanger Tue 27-Dec-16 21:25:59

Fallen...yes indeed...Maras comment very funny indeed. And accurate! 😃

Thank you for offer of support on here. Am going to need it.

Have tried to stop myself thinking too far ahead...and for now just focus on the initial discussion and some otherwise I'm imagining my sobbing children as we tell them hes moving out...think its healthier to take this in bite size chunks as it's otherwise it's overwhelming and scary. And a bit too much to mentally think through. So for now..just breathe..breathe...

Will be using this thread to remind myself how horrible his comments were and keep my initial focus.

Thank you again to those who have posted.

fallenempires Tue 27-Dec-16 23:46:21

You deal with what you can do & if it's chunk by chunk that's fine,only you know you & how you can choose to proceed with things.
Myself & many others have been through it & will gladly help & there is also a separate section re:divorce/separation on MN which may also be of some help.
All the best to you & your dcssmile

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