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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Making the final decision

46 replies

Notgoingtobeamug · 27/12/2016 10:34

"D"P had an affair earlier this year. We have been together for 14 years. We have a 3 year old DS. I found out about the 10 month affair on holiday in July.

We got back together in September. I don't know why. I love him but he constantly disrespects me by staying out all night (at least once a week) and goes out drinking at least another night. He will not answer the phone to me when out. I tell him this is not acceptable, he apoloises and I get on with life for an easy life for me and DS. To be honest I'm so used to him not being around it doesnt make too much difference anymore if he is at home or not.

Xmas day I get a card "I hope you have a better 2017". WTF? My 2016 was blown apart by his affair and the mind games he played whilst covering it up and the public humiliation when it came to light (he took her to a friends wedding without telling anyone we had broken up).

We usually spend xmas day together at my parents. He is not welcome there. We spent it at home just the 3 of us. I asked if I could pop to see my parents for 30 mins to exchange gifts but he said he didnt want to be alone so I didnt. About 3.30 he changed his mind by which point I couldnt drive as I had 2 glasses on wine.

He barely spoke to me for the rest of the afternoon. At 7.30 he asked if I minded if he went to see a mate. I said fine as he was barely talking to me anyway. He didnt get in until 2am.

Boxing day and I take DS to my parents to exchange gifts whist DP lies in. I'm back at 11 so we can spend the day together. He then explodes as my sisters hadnt got him a gift (he hadnt got them one). Says I'm a coward for buying their partners gifts and not insisting they buy him one! He says I should stick up for him. I explained he has made no effort with my family since the affair (hasnt seen them) and my sisters didnt have to buy him anything. He then stormed out and hasnt been home. Its been 23 hours and I spent all boxing day alone with DS.

Its over isnt it. I can't keep on trying to make someone love me and act with a shred of respect towards me. I just don't know how to make the final devision and stick with it.

OP posts:

Report

Whisky2014 · 27/12/2016 10:37

Fucking hell. Its clear that this man is an arsehole. Please get rid of him!!!

FatOldBag · 27/12/2016 10:49

One person can't save a marriage. You poor thing, he is fucking awful. I think, after the initial shock wears off (as it is a big change), you will be much, much happier without him.

Donthate · 27/12/2016 10:53

Surely it has to be over. You deserve much more than this. Has the affair actually ended? Where is he staying when he is out all night?

AnyFucker · 27/12/2016 10:54

Have you any self respect left at all ?

cauliflowercheese14 · 27/12/2016 10:55

What an appalling way to behave. Please get rid of this man, you and your children deserve better than this.

trickycat · 27/12/2016 10:55

He sounds truly awful. Please ask him to leave. You will be happier.

Notgoingtobeamug · 27/12/2016 10:56

Affair has ended - the OW (12 years younger than him) plasters her whole life over social media and is now bleating on about her new man on facebook.

He drinks excessively. He says he sleeps at a mates but I wouldnt be surprised if there is a new OW. He is hardly trying to build trust is he!

OP posts:

Notgoingtobeamug · 27/12/2016 10:57

I do have self respect but its not as easy as that. We have a DS, joint mortgage. I know I will be happier in the long run its just taking that first permanent step.

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 27/12/2016 10:57

Please leave this massive cunt and stop humiliating yourself.

TheLaundryLady · 27/12/2016 10:57

You do realise he's still with the other woman don't you

TheLaundryLady · 27/12/2016 10:58

Cross post - he's got somebody else then

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 27/12/2016 11:03

OMG you are so done! This behaviour is ridiculous! He is a narcissistic, self-obsessed pathetic arsehole who clearly has absolutely 0 respect for you or your family.

Call him and leave a message. Tell him hes got 1 hour to get home or his stuff will be outside and you will be calling a locksmith. And stick to it. Call a lawyer tomorrow to discuss your options!

Do you want your son to treat his future partner with the same contempt and disrespect and your DH treats you? No? Well children learn their idea of a normal relationship from what they see. By leaving DH you are being the best parent you can be and teaching your DS what is acceptable behaviour!

Notgoingtobeamug · 27/12/2016 11:15

No, I absolutely don't want DS learning this is acceptable behaviour- thats why I know it has to end. A lot of DPs behaviour comes from his parents and I know DS is picking up on the whispered arguments and hostility. I thought I was done in July thats all- how to I make sure I stick to it this time? He can be very charming and I guess I get talked round as I want him to be tge man he promises he is but his actions are so different and he is never going to change.

OP posts:

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 27/12/2016 11:24

Make a list of the reasons you are leaving him. Every single time you find yourself tempted read it again, and look at your son. If you struggle to stick to it for yourself then stick to it for your son. Leopards do not change their spots and he will not change. If he really wanted to make it work after the cheating he would be putting everything into your relationship. He is treating you with utter disrespect and contempt!
I know it is a terribly hard but you, and your DS will be so much happier and healthier in the long run!

Notgoingtobeamug · 27/12/2016 11:47

It would be easier if I could get him to leave the house permanently but he wont. He just drifts in and out. The mortgage is in jount names and it will take 6-8 weeks to process a remortgage and thevkdgal paperwork. I'm financially better off without him (he doesnt financially contribute anyway) but I want him gone now not in 6 weeks. I need to keep the momentum going and not have him still live here. I don't want to leave the house, I pay for EVERYTHING.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/12/2016 12:02

Six weeks will be here before you know it.

Why not start the process ?

Megthehen · 27/12/2016 12:02

17 years!! Guessing he wasn't always like this? He sounds like a v.selfish, entitled man...and lazy to boot..too lazy to even separate/divorce. Make this the last thing you do for him. Sounds like your family have him worked out. They want you to be happy in 2017 ..as do we

Notgoingtobeamug · 27/12/2016 17:18

He still int home. DS keeps on asking for him and I'm just having to distract him. We have been out for a walk, the supermarket and made pizza. I have spoken to DPs mum (I had to call her to say we wouldnt be over for dinner as planned) and she hasn't heard from him either.

I think he has blocked me on his phone as 2 messages I sent this morning aren't delivering. I could try to call him by with holding my number but don't want him to give him that satisfaction.

I need to say my piece to him, I need to tell him we are over. The waiting for him to turn up/call is a nightmare.

OP posts:

Notgoingtobeamug · 27/12/2016 17:22

He just walked in as I hit send. He smiked at me and said "alright? If youve been trying to call me I don't have my phone". He is wearing yesterdays clothes and looks a mess. I havnt said a word as DS is here. I want to kill him. He has now gone upstairs.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/12/2016 17:48

He is a cocklodging user without the cock

You would be a mug to continue to financially support someone who treats you with such disdain

DS or no DS he would not be getting over the threshold

Christinayangstwistedsista · 27/12/2016 17:58

Hso he want to stay out all night? Good, make it permanent and tell him to get to fuck

Chokehold · 27/12/2016 17:58

How will it work with the paperwork for sorting out the mortgage? Have you looked into it? He sounds awful 💐

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Notgoingtobeamug · 27/12/2016 18:05

He told me he needed to go out to get his phone. I walked out taking both sets of his car keys so he can't go out and left him with DS. Ive got nowhere to go though, even the supermarket is closed. I'm going to go home and tell him to leave to get his phone and not come back. He isnt going to take his car though- its in my name and I pay for it. There is no way he is having anything more from me.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 27/12/2016 18:10

Surely to god getting through 6 weeks of unpleasantness while you wait for the mortgage paperwork to go through would be better than living like this indefinitely? I know it's hard OP but you're just delaying the inevitable here and I can't see how it's benefiting you to do so. It must be tortuous living like this, don't keep putting yourself through it. Make your decision and put it into action, it will feel like a great weight has been lifted.

Hidingtonothing · 27/12/2016 18:12

X posted, good for you OP. Is there anyone who can come and sit with you so things don't escalate?

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