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Why is he still texting his ex?

(12 Posts)
Oscillationss Tue 27-Dec-16 09:15:33

Long long backstory but basically it involves DH and his ex getting a bit too close emotionally a few years ago when DC1 was a baby and while I was pregnant- apparently it was the fact that I was pregnant that made her realise she wanted him back. I should have run for the hills at the point he told me that after a lot of thinking he had chosen me. They'd been split for over 6 years at that point.

Anyway, lots of ups and downs usually concerning boundaries with the ex but mainly things are good. Ex appeared to have moved on and this year was in a new relationship. We don't speak and she makes me incredibly anxious- probably because of all the trouble she's caused and the potential trouble she can cause just with one text.

Anyway she and her new boyfriend are not together anymore and DH has been texting a lot again lately. Turns out they're in constant contact again. DSC are teens and have been arranging their own visits for ages so it's rarely even about their DC.

I found out he was texting her on xmas day. I don't understand why. I've tried talking to him about how upset I am but he tells me it's high school stuff and to grow up and get over it.

Christmas time was always a bit fraught and it's when it all came to a head and I found out the extent of what was going on. I don't understand why he's texting her on xmas day to wish her a merry Christmas despite all the shit she's caused. They have DC who are teens and he contacts them on their own phones and arranges visits etc with them directly so it's nothing to do with them.

Do I need to just shut up and accept that he will always have a relationship with this woman? He used to say he only contacted her about the DC but he can't use that excuse anymore. The moment I realise he's messaging her I get a knot in my stomach and I can't eat. I've had 2 hours sleep (poorly baby) and I'm not sure if lack of sleep is making me extra emotional.

I just don't understand why he feels the need to keep such close contact. If she hadn't made things so bloody hard and treated me like crap then fine, whatever but it hurts that they're able to move on and be amicable so easily. Meanwhile I'm a nervous wreck.

I know I sound ridiculous.

Oscillationss Tue 27-Dec-16 09:15:58

Wow that is long.

AnyFucker Tue 27-Dec-16 09:19:41

You keep blaming her for this problem

It's your husband that is the problem here. He is taking the piss. I would have not given him the "choice" between two women in the first place. Who the fuck does he think he is ?

You "won" the booby prize there, for sure

WatchingFromTheWings Tue 27-Dec-16 09:24:18

If he's making arrangements for the kids with them then there's no real need for him to be texting her. I never text my ExH unless there is an issue or a problem. Can go several months with no contact with him. I'd be putting my foot down with regards to the contact he has with her.

MozzchopsThirty Tue 27-Dec-16 09:30:00

Totally inappropriate why would he have to 'make a choice'
And constant texting? He's clearly enjoying the thrill & attention

I'd ask him to leave and let them get on with it
I'm so over peoples bullshit

maddy68 Tue 27-Dec-16 09:38:39

Hmmm depends.
When you have been married to someone and it ends amicably that overs on still remains close and when children are involved they are still part of the family.
I suspect the issue here is you don't trust him and you feel very insecure.
If you suspect there is something going on then you need to kick him out

Bluntness100 Tue 27-Dec-16 09:38:52

Ok so they have children together? And those children are teens but still at home with her? Then yes, I think you need to accept that he will always have a relationship with her, they co parent, she is more than just an ex, she is also mother to his children as are you.

On one hand it's good they have a good relationship and are friends, it's good for their children, on the other hand it's making you very insecure, so you need to address this, either internally and understand why, and or with him.

It's unreasonable to expect he only communicates with the kids direct, there is things a parent will know that a child will not communicate, there is things to discuss, so having open lines of communication are for the best, but again, your feelings need to be addressed here.

WhooooAmI24601 Tue 27-Dec-16 09:46:02

Ex and I text often; DS1 is 11and not old enough/aware enough to organise himself so we're in regular contact. I don't imagine that contact will ever completely end. However, this has never been the "pick me, pick me" text sort but the "he's free on Friday night, shall I drop him to you then?" kind.

Your DH is a prick for telling you to get over it; he's telling you that he doesn't give a shit about your feelings. He's also a prick to have said he'd "chosen" you. He's all about himself and what he wants. At this point I'd be focussing on you and what you want. He won't like it when he realises you're no longer dancing to his tune, but this is what happens when you neglect those about you.

TheNaze73 Tue 27-Dec-16 10:02:12

I think you're BU to expect him to make a decision, you or her. He's always going to have a relationship with the mother of his children

mimishimmi Tue 27-Dec-16 10:03:37

It sounds like they are still good friends. How long have you been with him OP?

Purplebluebird Tue 27-Dec-16 10:19:31

First off, it's completely unreasonable for him to state that he had a choice and "picked you", it's ridiculous that he dared to say that.

I don't think it's so bad to be in contact with an ex - I am close friends (only ever talk online or whatsapp) with one of my exes, which I have known for 12 years now, and we had a short relationship almost 8 years ago. We still talk several times a week, and afaik my other half is not bothered, as he knows it's a friendship and not anything else. My ex has a new partner that he is devoted to, and I have been with my other half for 7 years, and we have a 3 year old child. I do think in your situation you can't really do much about it, perhaps the contact will be less frequent when the kids move out to their own places. I have to agree a bit with Whoooo though, your husband is a bit daft to make it all about what he wants, and not about how you feel about it.

Bettydownthehall Tue 27-Dec-16 12:36:01

I still text my ex and have conversations with him when I see him.

I even met him for lunch a few times whilst on maternity leave.

We have a lot in common, still have some shared friends ect.

However there are boundaries. I would never discuss my relationship with him or get advice or emotionally rely on him.

I am happy for DP to see all of the texts and sometimes read them to him if they make me laugh.

The DC like that we have a good relationship. It means if there are any problems we can all sit down and work it out. That wouldn't happen if we were frosty.

Does your DP let you see the texts?

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