Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My boyfriend is Bisexual

(61 Posts)
lisacraw78 Tue 27-Dec-16 01:45:50

Hi guys!

I desperately need some advice. Ok here goes...

I met my boyfriend through online dating in April 16. We started off as friends as I had no intentions of getting into a relationship. We went for coffee, lunches, movies, etc without any physical contact what so ever. Then in July16 we both decided to be more than friends....hence we started dating and sex was amazing.

Things were great. Absolutely great. He is the most caring guy ive met. But since mid November something was off, I couldn't understand what was going on. He wouldn't want to meet up, but he called me everyday without fail. So I thought I was over reacting and over thinking things.

2 weeks ago we went for a movie, it was great, but there was no intimacy at all, not even kissing, we hadn't seen eachother for almost 2 weeks, and it was bothering me now all evening. So that night after I went back home I blew up on the phone with him, I lost my cool, couldn't take it anymore. Asked him if he was seeing someone else or if his feelings had changed, I asked him to be honest and He assured me that there was nothing going on and he just needed time to sort some issues relating to family and financial problems.

However on lastnight we met up we were supposed to go for dinner but instead we sat in the car, he brought beer and said he needed to talk. So I asked him "are you gay because all the signs were pointing to that" he said he was bisexual.

I was in shock, Still am and angry that he took so long to tell me, hid all this and this whole time I was feeling bad thinking its all my fault. I kept thinking maybe my actions have changed that's why hes behaving like this.

He told me he was sorry and embarrassed and i could see it in his eyes and said that he was trying to change himself but he cant, he is who he is and that we can be friends but not in a relationship. He said i can see other people but not tell him about it, because he wont be able to take it, so if i was sleeping with someone he doesnt want to know. He said he didn't tell me all this because he was trying to change himself as he really wanted to be with me but he just physically cant and also he didn't want to want to lose me . He was genuinely sorry it was obvious.

I don't know how to handle this. I love him...I don't know what to do. I told him that I need time to process things. I'm trying, really am, but I'm hurting like shit. I respect his sexuality, I just wished he was honest from the beginning. But then again I thanked him for opening up lastnight

I don't know if I can handle being friends? I don't know if I should completely cut him out? please help.

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles Tue 27-Dec-16 01:54:07

I can't help but feel hugely sympathetic towards him. He possibly wasn't honest with you because he hadn't yet been honest with himself. He probably didn't mean to deceive or hurt you, but many people struggling with their sexuality get involved with people because they feel they should or, because they want to ignore their feelings. I'm really sorry that you've been hurt in the process, but I would suggest trying to put yourself in his shoes. Have you any gay or bi friends you could speak to so you can try and understand and empathise a little more with the struggle.

You could be one of the first people he comes out to so please treat him with care and kindess at what is obviously a massively tumultuous time for him. If your not sure you can 'deal' with it at the moment which is totally fair enough then explain that you are really glad he felt he could come out to you and be honest with himself, but that you are feeling upset about the end of the relationship so could you have some space to process and get your head straight. After a couple of weeks you should be able to see with a little more perspective and know whether you need to stay away completely or you could develop a friendship.

LellyMcKelly Tue 27-Dec-16 05:54:43

I wish my husband had done that 20 years ago instead of me finding out after 18 years. Your boyfriend has been really brave, and you need to listen to him and accept what he says. You may not get the relationship you want with him, but you can still have him as a friend.

Fartleks Tue 27-Dec-16 06:05:12

He's either bi and doesn't fancy you or gay and experimenting/attempting to be straight.

MargaretRiver Tue 27-Dec-16 06:06:11

He's gay (or lying)

If he was Bisexual there's no reason he wouldn't want to be physical with you. He may be still working it out but a bisexual person would be attracted to women (and men, obvs) and would have no reason not to be in a relationship with you

seven201 Tue 27-Dec-16 06:12:41

flowers If he's bisexual why can't he be with you? Sounds like he's gay rather than bi. I suggest you give yourself some space from each other and see if you want to be friends later on. I've never stayed friends with an ex but some people do with great success.

Scooby20 Tue 27-Dec-16 06:53:05

My husband is bi. I don't see the issue. Is he saying he can't be with you? Because if he is, him being bi is a red herring.

Being Bi, wouldn't stop him being with you if he wanted to be with you.

Either he is gay and working towards that conclusion himself (he may not even have admitted it to himself yet) or there are other reasons he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you.

Orangepeppers Tue 27-Dec-16 08:07:46

It sounds like he's gay to me but can't admit it fully to himself yet. Many gay people think it Day that they are bi first before they fully accept their sexuality (although equally many people are definitely bi - but his actions suggest that he is not). Bless him, he must feel so confused st the moment and obviously thinks the world of you.

Offred Tue 27-Dec-16 09:23:04

Go no contact with him. He has messed you around and you don't need to be messed around while he works out whatever issues he has as a person.

I say that as someone who is bisexual.

quicklydecides Tue 27-Dec-16 09:29:38

It's only a new relationship.
He's gay.
Break up.
Anything else is just drama.

pinkmagic1 Tue 27-Dec-16 09:41:20

He sounds gay as if he was bi? there is no reason why he wouldn't want to be physical with you as previous posters have said.
I would make a clean break to be honest.

Queenie04 Tue 27-Dec-16 09:42:23

It sounds like he is gay to be honest but has not excepted this and is on the 'downlow'. I feel so sorry for women who end up unknowingly having relationships with gay men. I think the dishonesty is unforgivable. I hope your ok OP flowers

Queenie04 Tue 27-Dec-16 09:44:31

I don't get all the sympathy for this guy or anyone else struggling in this way. He must have known prior to the relationship that he was Bi or struggling with his relationship. He was dishonest with OP, even worse when children are brought into the mix.

OvariesForgotHerPassword Tue 27-Dec-16 09:45:45

I think he's struggling to admit (to himself/to you) that he's gay. Bi is often used as a soft coming-out for people who are actually gay or lesbian.

I told my DH I was bi a month or two before we got married. It just hadn’t come up, it doesn't need to be a big drama revelation of "why didn’t you tell me?!?!", but in the context of him withdrawing affection, it suggests he hadn't been entirely honest.

lisacraw78 Tue 27-Dec-16 10:33:04

Actually I forgot to mention this at some point he said it .. I am sorry I am gay I tried to have a normal relationship but I can't and that's the reason my ex wife left me. I do feel sorry for him he seems to be soul searching.

Vidorra Tue 27-Dec-16 10:40:07

Bisexual doesn't mean that you feel the same level of attraction to the different genders. For instance you could be romantically interested in one and sexually in the other. It doesn't have to be 50/50 either. Or he may be gay, sorry.

You don't always know Queenie, denial is a powerful thing. I didn't realise until my mid 30s I was bi and then it all clicked into place.

Hope you're ok op flowers

Vidorra Tue 27-Dec-16 10:41:54

Major crosspost there. Yep, he's gay op and using bisexual as a stepping stone from the sounds of it.

Bluntness100 Tue 27-Dec-16 10:45:15

Ok he's gay, I doubt the friendship would last long anyways, just cut contact, there is no future for you here.

His wife binned him as he was gay, I think it's rather shit of him to try again with another woman if I'm honest. He's clearly struggling to accept this about himself though, but that doesn't excuse it.

lisacraw78 Tue 27-Dec-16 10:46:29

Am I ok? No. I'm hurt and angry and confused. But at the same time I feel sorry for him and kind of relieved that I found out in good time. But I'm very hurt. I don't know how to deal with this...I've had break ups I'd be fine the next day this one has messed me up completely.

Offred Tue 27-Dec-16 11:28:33

You feel messed up because he love bombed you when he was aware that he was just using you to work out his own issues.

Whilst other people may have sympathy for him having said issues there is no-one who will feel sympathy for the way he has behaved towards you.

Do not fall into a trap of feeling you have to feel sorry for him and be his friend and help him through it. He has behaved appallingly towards you, using other people and hurting them in order to try and work out your own issues is nasty behaviour.

Scooby20 Tue 27-Dec-16 12:12:59

As pp said you feel hurt because he tried to deceive you and him and by throwing himself into this relationship.

I think struggling with your sexuality is such a difficult thing. But it's not an excuse for hurting others.

I had a friend who was gay and yet was with his wife for years. He was seeing men behind her back. When I found out (at the same time the wife did) I ended the friendship. Not because he was gym because of the hurt he caused.

Vidorra Tue 27-Dec-16 12:14:02

I agree. He has obviously had some clue and I'm not surprised you feel so hurt. His behaviour has been awful and you owe him nothing. I know people can struggle coming to terms with their sexuality but it doesn't give anyone the right to hurt others in the process. I would suggest taking on some counselling for him, LGBT centres often have free sessions for these sort of issues - before he hurts someone else.

Bluntness100 Tue 27-Dec-16 12:23:57

I think this has messed you up more than a normal break up for good reason, he was basically a dishonest person and to a large extent has used you as an experiment and misled you and you're trying to reconcile that with the person he projected to you.

Basically he wasn't who he said he was and deep down he knew that if his marriage ended over this. I don't think it's about you, it's about him, maybe he thought he could change himself, maybe he just really wanted to.

People always say let's be friends as a way of softening a relationship ending, it's often not meant. You've every right to be angry, confused and hurt by his behaviour, as it was selfish and it was about him. Never about you. 💐

Graceflorrick Tue 27-Dec-16 12:30:27

Move on. Stay friends and support him to explore relationships with men if you can? This seems to be what he wants.

howdidinotknow Tue 27-Dec-16 12:56:47

OP I don't know how to link to my previous thread but if you are in the Birmingham area and the guys name begins with K then please DM me.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: