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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Please help. .was this rape?

68 replies

SuperGlue68 · 27/12/2016 00:18

Have been with my fiancé nearly 8 yrs. Have 2 DCs together.
Last night I went to bed about 11pm leaving him downstairs drinking on his own. He told me today he stayed up til 4am and drank nearly a litre of vodka.
When he came to bed early hours of this morning I was awoken by him penetrating me with his fingers. I told him no I don't want to I'm too tired but he continued. He performed oral sex on me (this is the grey area for me) I had an orgasm. Then he started to have intercourse with me. I didnt say no because I was scared ofhis reaction so I went along with it even though I didn't want to. Afterwards he cuddled me and said he loved me and was sorry for everything (he has treated me like crap recently)
I mentioned to him this evening I dont like it when he is forceful and demanding like that, he called me a weird person and said if he had raped me then why didnt I call the police.
I don't know what to think.

OP posts:

Report

Whisky2014 · 27/12/2016 00:20

Yes it is. Rape and rape by coercion

Flisspaps · 27/12/2016 00:20

Yes, that's rape.

FeelTheNoise · 27/12/2016 00:20

Yes 😞❤️

AntiHop · 27/12/2016 00:21

Yes it was. You didn't consent. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

mirokarikovo · 27/12/2016 00:22

You said no
When he ignored that and continued without your consent you were intimidated into acquiescence
Yes that was rape
You can call Women's Aid to talk it through and decide what to do
You have the power to change your life

flibflob · 27/12/2016 00:23

Yes. I'm so sorry

herwegoagain123 · 27/12/2016 00:23

Yes it was rape. You were too frightened to say no.

AndNowItsSeven · 27/12/2016 00:25

Was it clear you were saying no to any kind of intimacy , was it obvious you did not want oral sex?
The intercourse afterwards, again was it obvious you didn't want to.
Someone can be tired say no then change their mind.
It is difficult to say if he sexual assaulted you with the oral sex. Again if he didn't know you didn't want intercourse it's not rape, if he knew then yes it was.

PastysPrincess · 27/12/2016 00:27

I'm really sorry this happened to you; yes that is rape.

The fact that you had an orgasm is irrelevant; that is a bodily function that is automatic if the correct stimulus is produced. It does not mean you enjoyed it, or "asked for it" and it does not mean you consented.

Is there anyone close you can talk to about this?

GloriousHarpy · 27/12/2016 00:32

Yes. You didn't consent. The orgasm is irrelevant - they're not unheard of during rapes. Our bodies undergo physiological responses, sometimes to fear/adrenaline, whatever we're feeling. Don't blame yourself in the least. You were frightened, possibly with very good reason, of the response of a very drunk man who had already digitally raped you in your sleep, if he was thwarted.

Be kind to yourself and think about what you want to do next.

GloriousHarpy · 27/12/2016 00:37

Seven, it's not 'difficult to say' at all.

Did you miss the part where the OP couldn't have consented to being penetrated because she was asleep? And her partner didn't stop penetrating her when she said no? And do you think that a man who has just drunk a litre of vodka is an appropriate judge of consent?

SuperGlue68 · 27/12/2016 00:39

I really don't know where to go from here. If I said no he should have just stopped shouldn't he. But then I feel like I'm at fault for going along with it when I didn't want to. Yes I know, I should have been more insistent that I didn't want to and I wish that I had but I was worried it would create more problems today.

OP posts:

SantasJockstrap · 27/12/2016 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LotsoNumbers · 27/12/2016 00:42

A lot of women go along with it because they feel they have to for fear of their partners reaction. That sort of coercion is also rape. Just because you didn't fight back or become more forceful, doesn't mean you suddenly started consenting

AndNowItsSeven · 27/12/2016 00:43

I said it is difficult to say if the oral sex was a sexual assault or not because the op did not say whether she gave any indication from her body language or words if that was ok or not.
Having re read the op I missed the part where she said he continued penetrating her when she said no. Yes that is rape op I apologise for missing those words out originally.
The oral sex followed by the continuation of penetration would have been obvious there was no consent.

kittybiscuits · 27/12/2016 00:44

jockstrap I reported you

AndNowItsSeven · 27/12/2016 00:45

Yes he should have stopped op, and no you didn't need to have been more insistent at all . I didn't mean that at all plus I missed the part where he didn't stop.
Am so sorry this has happened to you and for my misreading your post causing you more distress.

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 27/12/2016 00:46

I told him no I don't want to I'm too tired but he continued.

That is the key part. You said NO. This means without a doubt it was rape. I am so sorry this happened to you. You need to contact rapecrisis.org.uk/ and discuss your next options. His attitude of 'well if it was rape you should have rang the police' is disgusting. Most rapes go unreported. No woman should EVER feel like they have to be more insistent. One NO is all it should take.

It is so important you speak to someone about this. Get some support, some advice and some help. The fact he was so flippant about it speaks volumes about the sort of person he is.

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 27/12/2016 00:49

SantasJockstrap Your attitude is disgusting. That attitude is why so many women do not report an assault. She said no. What part of that is difficult to get! Please never comment on something this serious again until you educate yourself!

CremeBrusselsSprouts · 27/12/2016 01:14

Do you not really understand jockstrap that normalising nonconsensual sex is really not OK.

If that's your personal experience then seek some help.

Tiredbutnotyetretired · 27/12/2016 01:31

I was in a similar situation, ive written out 3 replies then deleted because im.affraid of judgement and i dont want to offend if what i write doesnt come across in the manner i intend , so i cant find the right words, for you, or for me but i hope you get some clarity soon x

Tiredbutnotyetretired · 27/12/2016 01:36

I wish i could go to the police tbh but i have zero evidence

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 27/12/2016 01:47

Tiredbutnotyetretired

I'm so sad for you that you were in a similar situation. It is a common misconception that you need 'evidence' to press charges. Regardless, you need to report it, or at the very least get yourself some help and advice to support. I appreciate that these situations can be extremely difficult due to marriage, children, family, culture etc but it is also about the behaviour you will accept towards you. How many times will it happen before you say enough. Please get some advice and support for yourself as well.

sansoucitherednosedcariboo · 27/12/2016 02:02

I'm so sorry to hear this; it's a terrible violation. There's no excuse for forcing you to have sex, even if he was drunk. The way I see it, and I may be wrong, you have a choice. Report him for rape, leave the marriage, get a solicitor and professional psychologist counselling. Or you could tell him that what he did was totally unacceptable & that in order to try to save your marriage, he must get psychiatric treatment (If this is available(; I certainly hope so) and agree to marriage counselling. It depends entirely on what YOU want,

Tiredbutnotyetretired · 27/12/2016 02:03

Thank you chocolate, i dont want to jump on this thread it is a very delicate area, but thank you for your kind advice, i am watching and listening x

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