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Would really appreciate your help please lovely nest of vipers

(8 Posts)
Iamchanging Mon 26-Dec-16 23:13:02

Hi all,
This is on behalf of my sister as she is utterly heartbroken at the moment and I would do anything to help her.
A bit of context: I'm obviously biased but I think she is one of the kindest, most generous people I have ever met, but is struggling so much. 2 days before Christmas her 10 year relationship ended, and despite him being a gaslighting, emotionally abusive idiot she still loves him and blames herself.

Over the years she has become very isolated and has no friends, so has to start from scratch. I live three hours away, and our mum died a couple of years ago. Despite looking amazing for her age she is convinced that she is too old and no one will ever want her (she's 54.) She accepts that she needs to spend some time single, but due to a difficult upbringing she really struggles with loneliness which is partly why she has stayed with him for so long.

I will obviously be there for her as much as possible but due to work and distance I'd love some ideas of things she can do to meet new people, and hopefully eventually a lovely man.

She is over 22 years older than me so the things I can think of she feels are a bit 'young' for her.
Things she likes: dogs, walking, she loves live music, cooking, eating out. She has also discussed going abroad to build a school or something to get some space.
Anyway sorry for waffling on, but any ideas or advice you have would be very appreciated as I love her so much.

Cricrichan Mon 26-Dec-16 23:17:51

What is her job that she's thinking of building a school? Has she looked into VSO?

Has she got a dog and if so, who's going to look after it whilst she's abroad?

As for suggestions: find a job/volunteer if she doesn't have on already. Join a gym. Join some walking/cycling clubs or start a new hobby or a course - language, photography etc. That way she'll have fun, learn new things and get to meet like minded people.

flibflob Mon 26-Dec-16 23:30:21

I'm so sorry for your sister - heartbreak is terrible, and two days before Christmas sad

A poster on here suggested to me and it's amazing! You can find a group for practically any interest in most areas. You can RSVP and chat to the hosts and other guests online so you 'know' who might be there. Live music, eating out and walking groups are all really popular in my local area. She could also maybe do a cookery course, or some volunteering in a dog shelter.

I hope she feels better soon - you both sound lovely and caring. smile

notrocketscience Tue 27-Dec-16 00:10:08

You sound lovely op. Could you suggest going on the Freedom programme for your sister? It could provide much needed morale support and probably a few new friends as well. Being single isn't so very bad but she's obviously in a really sad place at the moment in spite of the Ex being so vile to her. Sorry she is going through this X

niceupthedance Tue 27-Dec-16 04:53:02

Tell her to check out a dog sharing site like borrow my doggy.

Iamchanging Tue 27-Dec-16 09:01:38

Thank you all so much for your help. She isn't sleeping at all which makes things worse. I'm definitely going to suggest some of these to her when she is a bit stronger.
In answer to the question she has a dog but has an employee who has offered to look after him if needed. She has her own small business which is unrelated to building a school but she was thinking about going on an organised trip to have a change of scenery.

Notapodling Tue 27-Dec-16 09:36:20

Hi, I ended a bad long term relationship(20years) recently and like your sister came out of it completely isolated and feeling frumpy and unattractive. I was living in a new area with no close family or any friends. It's been a difficult couple of years.
Here's my advice:
Like another poster said, join meetup. It's great for single people. I know a lot of people feel nervous turning up to something on their own but most people on meetup arrive singly so she won't feel odd.
Secondly, recognise that it's going to be a year of adjustment and give herself permission to indulge and spoil herself when she's down, even if it's just a bar of chocolate or a netflix marathon.
Recognise that it's going to be a 'roller coaster' time emotionally. She'll have great highs -- feelings of freedom, making new friends etc, but there'll also be the lonely, crying lows. It's important to realise when the lows come that it's a normal part of the roller coaster process and she'll head back up soon enough.
I know you said she doesn't want a new relationship (and I agree that jumping into something serious too quickly is a bad idea) but for me, a little casual dating was a life saver. Maybe her ex made her feel old and unattractive, but there's nothing like a flirty date to make you feel desired again and boost your self esteem, especially if it ends..ahem..well.

Iamchanging Tue 27-Dec-16 15:42:23

Thank you so much - and I think we will definitely try the meetup site. I appreciate you sharing your experiences as well

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