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Insensitive bastard not even Ex yet!(20 Posts)
Had a lovely day yesterday just three kids me and Ex - very relaxed etc. Then hes just told me that the new 'lady' hes been seeing is going to be at his mothers today - where hes takingOUR three kids!! We arent even divorced yet and hes introducing a new womaan AT CHRISTMAS!!
Cant believe how insensitive hes being - and he knows our eldest is struggling with the break up and we even sat down with him on Christmas Eve and talked things through and all the time bastard ex was taking his new fucking woman to his mothers at Christmas! SO very angry I can hardly breathe! Its not the fact that he has a new woman, (even if I haven't been lucky in the dating stakes yet) its just introducing her at Christmas which sucks.
Or am i being unreasonable? Hes been seeing her for 4 months.
This is one of those situations where what's right in your eyes isn't what's right in his, or what's morally right isn't backed up by the legal situation. He can introduce her if he wants to, and you being so very angry doesn't change that... He is your ex in the way that it matters , so you need to focus on yourself and your children and encourage them and support them in positive ways, even though youre upset and angry about it.
Lemon I know he can introduce her but surely at Christmas when you know one of your kids is struggling with his parents splitting up its insensitive?
What is making me most angry is that he didn't say anything to me - if he had I could have talked it through with our eldest (who is actually 20 but very immature) and smoothed the way a bit.
One of the reasons I lost affection for him was his insensitivity - or maybe I'm unreasonable!!
Calming down now though and will be able to talk to him rationally when he comes back from walking the dogs - which he does to get himself out in the fresh air!
How long have you been separated?
I have been there op, and I know it is very hard. I can completely understand your anger, but I think you probably know it is irrational.
You haven't found anyone yet but if you had, might you want to introduce him to your dc after four months? Might you do so at a family gathering so it was less of a big deal, so he was just one more person present?
It is hard when an ex moves on, and hard when dc meet the new partner but the best possible outcome for dc is that they like her, and she likes them.
One day you might be meeting a new partner's dc for the first time, so you will be in her shoes.
I hated it too, I remember feeling like I'd been tricked because he told me at the last minute. But try not to show your hurt and anger, it won't change anything but make you look like the bitter ex. Be dignified and unconcerned, then find a distraction to get you through the day.
How long have you been separated? Not divorced yet is a bit of a red herring here. Obviously he feels the relationship is strong enough to introduce her as a girlfriend, they will know she exists and it's an honest approach. It doesn't mean he's positioning her as a future life partner. If your eldest is struggling maybe meeting a new partner will help seperate the fact it's real.
I think your dd could talk to her dad herself if she feels uncomfortable 20 is an adult and you're doing her no favours by trying to smooth the way for her!
I think also the title of your thread says a lot, you say he's not your ex yet, he actually very much is, the divorce pending doesn't change that. And yes, your eldest is an adult, I'd assumed a child from what you wrote.
I'd maybe think about why you're reacting this way, I suspect it's because of the basic fact he has met someone else. 😞
Currently talking it through with ex-h - we aren't divorced yet but will be very early in new year. Hes now told me he has already introduced the new lady to kids - which I'm a bit pissed off at.
Bluntness we have been separated 18 months - and its been my choice not to move on - i needed to find me again rather than Mrs blobby!
Anyway, all smooth now - thanks for the responses and I can see that I'm being unreasonable. x
Are the kids aware she exists? If they do, then they may have asked him about her and be keen to meet. Christmas Day wouldn't be my choice of date but perhaps he's reasoning that other elements will be familiar so it'll be less stressful for the kids.
In regards to the anger you feel, is it because you were told "late"? With huge respect, he's as much their parent as you are and will make decisions from time to time without getting your permission and that you might not like - and you'll do the same. And that's just part and parcel of being coparenting ex's.
Is she the reason he's your ex? Is that aggravating your feelings?
It can be hard on older children too, can't it? It's good to acknowledge their hurt, but at the same time it also helps to normalise things, I think. I've been telling my kids about my dating for that reason, so we can talk about it.
Husband introduced them to OW a few months after he moved out. It was also my son who found this the most awkward, but he has got used to it now with practice. I just asked my ex to make sure he spent time alone with the kids too, and sympathised with them about feeling awkward while swallowing back the sarcastic comments about their dad trying to make it all jolly.
Now I make myself ask a couple of questions about how their bowling went etc., make a pleasant comment and move on.
Ok, so I had been picturing a recentish split with young kids!
Apologies for the earlier rant (and the thread title!!)
Just to clarify - I AM happy that he has moved on. However if the situation was reversed, I would have had the courtesy to tell him that I was introducing our children (even if they are adults) to a new partner. And I certainly wouldnt ask them to spend Christmas or Boxing Day with a new partner unless I had known them longer than 4 months!
Yes I am envious that he has the opportunity and freedom to move on - I'm tied to keeping a house for kids to come back to when they choose (most weekends I have one of them home) and dogs (who remove all elements of spontaneity from life!) but thats the 'bonus' of being 'given' the house in the divorce settlement. As he has reminded me more than once, he pays way more than he has to towards the kids so I can live in this big house (which I didnt want - I wanted a smaller one but thats another story)
Apparently he has already told me several times that hes seeing someone new (hes told me once and then it was only a casual thing) and (like most of you have also said!!) he doesnt see why he should tell me that hes introducing her to kids. OK Im fine with that - I'm happy to be told I'm wrong. Its not what I would do but then i probably spend far too much of my life worrying about other people and how they feel.
Lesson learned and maybe my time will come in 2017.
Thanks for making me see sense everyone. xxx
Sounds like you've got it in perspective now
I think you need to consider that sometimes it can actually help push people forward to moving on, when changes like this happen. If some of your daughter's difficulty for example was worrying for her father because you were the one that ended it, or a secret hope that you'd both get back together - then meeting a new girlfriend could actually help.
It's not insensitive to expect an adult child to accept that you are dating 18 months on from a split.
So you ended the marriage because you "lost affection for him" - which was probably news to him at the time and must have hurt him.
Despite this he's stayed civil enough that you felt comfortable inviting him to yours for Christmas. He's also giving you a "large" house without, presumably, fighting over it and paying over the odds so you can stay in it!
I may be slightly biased, as a man myself, but jeesh, you should count your blessings rather than give the guy a hard time over when he tells you something (or doesn't).
Oh come on! You don't know the detail of their settlement and the OP used enough inverted commas
Sounds like she got the big expensive to run house which is for the kids more than her - whilst I'm guessing he got the equivalent value asset in something that others might deem 'better' - like a FS DB pension. And so what if he pays more than CMS minimum? A minimum which is - oh! - a minimum and very often doesn't touch the real cost of raising children. And then brings that up
Can we just not perpetuate the myth that women screw men over in divorce?
And yes, I'm a divorced female who took less than 50% of marital assets, doesn't claim maintenance despite entitlement and let her XH stay in the marital home with a delayed repayment legal charge.
Because - it's a bloody myth that women screw men over.
Sorry OP - bit of an aside
PaterPower I did not end the marriage - the split was a joint decision - he had lost affection for me as much as I had for him and overall the drive for the split came from him.
We have remained good friends and he spends lots of time here.
I made a mistake in thinking that other people (including him) spend as much time worrying about how other people feel as I do - he has actually apologised and said he never mentioned the new woman before as he felt awkward about it.
Ellisandra glad theres someone else on this planet not out to take their ex for everything they can get!!
But this, I assume, isn't child maintenance if your eldest is 20? Even if it is, CMS minimum is about a quarter of someone's net income which, when you also have to buy clothes for when they're at yours, pay for travel (360 miles, twice a month in my case plus holiday pick ups - and no, I didn't move away from them and yes, I did fight the move away through Court, for all the good that did me), pay for a roof they can come back to, food they can eat etc, isn't insignificant. It's also tax free for the recipient and doesn't affect any of the benefits or tax credits they might be eligible for.
I'd also forgo any payments from her to have the opportunity to reverse the situation and have my kids at home as often as she now does, but that's by the by.
Yes, I agree that women don't screw men over every time, but the general rule of thumb seems to be to try for around 70% of any equity, assuming they were married. That generally doesnt leave the (usually a) guy a lot to sort out somewhere to live with. But maybe I was just unlucky.
If the house is too large for you to manage, or require, surely you can sell it once the divorce is through and buy something smaller? He can't force you to stay once the deeds are yours. A pension's great in theory, but he won't see the value of that for a few years yet, I assume, and unless he's lucky enough to be on a public sector or one of the very few final salary schemes left around, his pension pot will be at the mercy of the stock exchange. He may well get a fraction of what it should be worth in the end. IMO, these days you're better off with property.
PaterPower he is public sector - early retirement next year so yes gold plated with bells on pension for the rest of his life. The money he pays for mortgage is in lieu of any other payments - I pay uni and college costs, provide home for them all , clothes, all christmas and birthday presents come from my budget as will driving lessons etc, huge vets fees for dogs. Looking at it another way - I cant afford to go out or away for the weekend or new clothes etc and cant do anything without major planning around kids at home and dogs who prevent any kind of spontaneity. He can. I realise now that my outburst was jealousy of the freedom he has. I'm over it now.
i hope your situation improves and that you find someone to prove to you that not all women are money grabbing bitches
Tell him he can't and if he does - he can't have the kids. What an arsehole. I agree with you. This is a delicate matter that should not be done at Christmas.
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