Narcissistic sister

[80schild]

Well this is it really. I spent the first 25 years of my life thinking it was me that was the problem and having such huge self esteem issues because my sister was always putting me down - she told me I was lazy and not clever. Her views were endorsed by my parents who find her really funny. I have always said abuse is a big word but I realise it is definitely close. The thing that made me realise it was today - DH came away from Christmas dinner saying she is a narcissist and he definitely wouldn't say it lightly. I just feel that at last someone has seen her in her entirety. I think I just really needed to get this out. She has been such a negative influence in my life.

[Evilstepmum01]

I could have written this, my twin has always treated me like this. Our parents enabled her originally but now realise what shes like. That helps. Every time she fell out with me, it was always my fault, always me who had to apologise, who had to listen to 'you cant behave like that'. all I did was be myself.
I had counselling several years ago which helped my self-esteem and that I am a person in my own right. A good person.
When I fell pregnant and married my DH, she was fuckin horrid. she was fine with me being the spinster aunt, looking after her kids, not having my own kids, bein in my own wee box. she liked that my 'shit' life made her feel better about her own and regularly put me down in front of her friends.
I let her. Because that was my place. Until she ignored my DS's 1st birthday, then his second. Of course she would never accept him, he is never going to be good enough to be her 'family'.
for him, i went NC and have been for 1.5 years. Best thing I ever did.
Have you considered going NC? it is hard, but it does clear your head.
Surround yourself with positive people, life is too short

[springydaffs]

Snap on the twin front. (everyone thinks it's so LOVELY to be a twin. Born with a viper more like). It's been 5 years for me. NC that is. Bliss.

I also have an older sister who is like a pantomime Dame - constant sneering and jeering. I can't honestly think of a normal comment she has ever made to me.

It's called A Toxic Family. Yay.

I don't see either of them any more. Double yay.

[Postagestamppat]

Nothing really to add but say I have one too. Luckily I have another lovely other sibling to make up for it. My narcissistic sister can be very charming and luckily I only see her a couple of times a year, so it is a case of a having a game plan that ensures that we only get the good and make sure that we aren't around for the bad. To avoid seeing my narc sis is easy enough, we just suggest that she comes round to ours, but since she has had kids (which funnily enough has really brought out the narcissistic tendencies) itis too difficult for her to travel anywhere (other than on holiday, then it is manageable). But we do get our kicks from laughing at her behind her back

[springydaffs]

I've had a lot of therapy btw. Don't see how I could have unraveled all that toxicity - oceans of - without it.

[InfoFreako]

A narcissist is someone who has an excessive interest in themselves and / or their physical appearance.

Is this your sister, or is she something else?

She sounds like a wind-up merchant. Tell her she's not funny or clever and how much she's upsetting you with her put-downs. Going NC seems excessive and can have knock-on effects for other family members.

Good luck!

Cheers.

[lorralorraloren]

Sometimes people are just BAD

[springydaffs]

What I learned - sorry about this, all the posts - is there is a family script in toxic families. Roles. Set in concrete. No matter what you do, achieve, gain, it makes not a jot of difference to the family script. They don't 'see' us ; we are a construct that keeps the family ticking along nicely. Except for us.

Our poisonous siblings are enacting the script, brainwashed in it. We would probably be as brainwashed (and were, in that we believed wholeheartedly we were useless etc) if we weren't on the end of it - the pain, damage, of it gets us looking at what's going on, gets us looking deeper. Those in the family who aren't obviously hurting have no need to question the status quo /family script.

That said, everyone in a toxic family is fucked up but in different ways. In a way, being the butt of family toxicity forces us to wake up and strive for health. It's a hard road, tho. Have you looked at the family scapegoat?

[Graphista]

No 5 here Nc for 3rd time not changing that this time. It's all about her and her control of the family so she gets mum to herself and gets the majority of support (emotional and financial). Also nasty to dd.

Nc - hard to do initially but life so much easier afterwards

[BananaFrittersForTea]

I saw this happen between two teenage daughters of a colleague. One committed suicide due to the abuse. Family was totally blind to it. Sitting through the abusive sister give the eulogy at the funeral was one of the most heart-breaking and nauseating experiences of my life.

NC is the right thing.

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Fuck, I'm so sorry this is relatable for others but glad I'm not alone.

Just spent Christmas with my mum and sister and it was fucking dire.

I feel like seeing them is like going into a parallel universe where everything bad is good and it's everyone for themselves.

My sister insulted absolutely everything I did, and am. Even if I deserved it, she just did not fucking let up. And everyone thought she was so wonderful and funny and we all had to praise her for doing the same fucking things she does every 6 months when "she turns her life around" and tell her the sun shines through her ass.

I'm in pieces and I just can't anymore. I'm tired of feeling like shit so she can be happy.

Sorry.

[springydaffs]

Sorry?? Wtf!

[TwoLeftSocks]

If these people were anyone but family you'd have said goodbye long ago. Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to go along with this. Look after yourself.

[Evilstepmum01]

springydaffs would you like to be my twin? Throughout my life, she has rejected me, been embarassed of me, so I have sought good friends who are sisters to me.
Thanks counselling! Might I ask daffs, are you the older or the younger twin? Are you also the scapegoat, the butt of the family jokes? I'm intrigued in the dynamics!
Also have two other sisters, the younger is a viper also, our older sis is a black sheep too, tho the vipers have best friended her. I speak to older sis only.

On Friday, I went to the pub with a friend, got stopped by someone thinking I was my twin (lets call her Jane, not twins real name). Politely said, do you think I;m Jane? Lady:Oh, are you Janes sister, I;m so sorry!
Me:No, I;m not Janes sister, Jane is MY sister'.
Friend knows us both and was proud of me for saying that. Im nearly 40. its taken me this long to find me.

I dont hate her, I am not jealous of her (EVERYONE is jealous of Jane, according to Jane). I just deserve respect.

[springydaffs]

Haha, evil (not quite conformable calling you evil!)

Oldest (close to midnight. I so WISH she'd been born the next day. And went to a different school. And lived in a different houses...)

Scapegoat with bells and pom poms here

[fc301]

80schild - so sorry. Without my DH I'd be barking mad by now.
noncommital - value yourself and limit your contact with these people. ITS NOT YOU - it's them.
infofreako - a narcissist is SO much more than you imply. I am genuinely glad that you don't comprehend the level of selfish nastiness that some people are capable of.

[RubyPumps]

@springydaffs
@Evilstepmum01

Just checking in to report I have a very, very difficult relationship with my twin sister.

I've never come across people like us before....hugs all round

[springydaffs]

We should get together, Ruby and esm01!

Some time ago I looked at a site called something like 'toxic siblings'. Or something like that. Lots of hideous stories like ours...

What I can't bear is when people call it 'sibling rivalry' like it's bog standard stuff

[Evilstepmum01]

daffs I have always been called the 'evil' twin. Ironic as I'm actually quite nice, not as bitter as 'Jane'. Didnt realise I still think of myself that way.
Ruby, younger or older? I'm the younger, daffs is the older, interesting to know which you are!

totally should get together, the evil twins support group!

I loathe when people say :oh, you dont speak to your twin?' like its all a big joke. I always answer with 'no, she doesnt speak to me. civilly'.

Did either of you have that twin connection when young that your twin just denied?

[springydaffs]

No, never a connection.

I also rarely tell people I'm a twin. To avoid the gushing, mainly.

I met a woman at a party who is a twin. I also met the other twin at another party (what are the chances!) and it was clear the first twin was the problem (thus sayeth I, twin expert ). See, my twin probably puts about a sad sad story about poor her and her nutjob twin...

(sorry about the twin hijack op)

[Evilstepmum01]

We live in a wee town, so most folk know my or her face! Its certainly not something I boast about.
I suspect our twins are the same people, daffs, my twin makes up the most pitiful sob stories to justify her shitty treatment of me!

We have rather hijacked this thread, so sorry op!

[80schild]

I don't mind it being hijacked. It is good to talks. I know she is definitely a narcissist from reading this. She relies on my lack of self esteem and confidence to make herself feel good.

[springydaffs]

My sister /s have to reduce me in order to be able to cope.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

Good god, my dads twin sister is a narc . This is like reading about his life.

[toptoe]

scapegoat here too...they used me as a punchbag verbally/emotionally/physically. But they are sort of unaware of it. When I called them out finally they went apeshit - screaming fit of rage. Now after therapy I have subtly changed boundaries without any rows and they are all opening up. They're trapped too and are starting to realise it. DM herself was a scapegoat so she only knew how to create concrete roles for everyone, which taught me and my dsis' to do the same. None of us are to blame and none of us want to be this way. I've not discussed any of my therapy with them, I've just calmly been brave and without confronting any of it just said timely 'no' here and there.

[toptoe]

sorry, to add I had all the 'jokes' aimed at me and would laugh along but die inside. The trick is to stop laughing, think of yourself as an equal. Stop putting yourself down in their company as you are doing it to apease them but it has the opposite affect...they see you as far game. Look at all the things you do that confirms their superiority. I bet there are loads of these things you don't even realise you do. Like where you sit, who gets the drinks, who gives you 'orders' and if you immediately 'obey'. Remarks about your appearance, your job, your dc etc etc. Just stop saying negative things and only tell them about how amazing you and your life is. Don't respond to orders to get drinks etc, say 'oh thanks for offering I'll have one too' and give them your glass. Don't make jokes about yourself or laugh when they do. Reply with calmness and a solid explanation of why you are ridiculous on that occasion - then everyone will start to question how they treat you and sort of wake up to the fact they are actually being rude to you.

The scapegoat dynamic is basically they can't deal with any failure so sling it all at you making you the vessel for all their shit.