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am I crazy?

7 replies

Noora · 25/12/2016 19:44

Hello ladies! To be honest I'm ashamed to talk about my problem. I think I'm going crazy. I think my dh is cheating on me. I have no evidences but I feel it. Sounds crazy right? I'll start from the beginning. I've been always type of girl who is jealous and controls second half. But everything was in framework of adequacy. So I'm not some mad woman! My dh and I are 32 yo. We've been together for almost 16 years! I think that's a lot. I love him sooo much and it's mutually. I won't say that our relationships were always perfect. But we really love each other. We support each other all the time and look for compromises. I should say that cheating for me is the worst thing ever. I told this to my dh when we started our relationships. I told him that if he finds another woman than he better tell me everything and leave instead of betraying me behind my back.

When we were 24 we decided we are ready to be parents. Unfortunately I had 3 miscarriages. It was awful to go through all that. But he always was by my side, supporting me. Despite my depressions and mood switches he was there for me. We are currently in our surrogacy journey. We addressed to a clinic abroad so our surrogate mother live there. I think I would jealous so much if she was somewhere here near us.

The thing is he's acting weird. I feel that something is wrong during last 2 months. He works all the time. He is sad and irritated. I know he is working a lot so we'll be able to pay for the procedure. All this time I tried to calm myself and find reasons why he is like this. But things became worse on Friday. Someone called him and he went to another room and closed the door! He never did that before! He was talking so quietly I didn't catch a word. When I asked him what was that he said "It's work." What is that supposed to mean? What should I do now?

I'm sorry you have to read all this. I hope you'll help me. We'll have a baby in a few months. Everything can't end like this.

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YetAnotherUser · 25/12/2016 19:47

What's he like with his phone? Secretive?

Sounds a little suspicious, but with major present giving occasion upon us a bit of suspicious behaviour isn't necessarily anything to worry about at this time of year.

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Happybunny19 · 25/12/2016 22:25

It's probably just a work call, like he's said, or perhaps he has some difficulties at work and doesn't want to upset you.

You've said yourself that you're always jealous and controlling, plus there's no evidence of anything relating to him cheating, but you seem to be convinced he's up to no good. Does he really deserve your suspicions? Perhaps he's getting sick of your paranoia and just wanted some privacy and quiet while taking a call. Calm down!

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Noora · 16/01/2017 00:44

Thank you so much for support! Sometimes I can be very paranoid. I decided not to talk about this situation with him to avoid quarrel. I just hope there is nothing to worry about. We'll have a baby soon so this is the only thing we should think about now. But I'm really glad I shared my feelings with you. I feel relieved now.

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ThirdThoughts · 16/01/2017 08:23

I think you need to sort out your jealousy and controlling issues, its not pleasant for either of you to live with. Counseling?

Wrt whether he is cheating, its hard to separate out what could be you instinctive feeling that something is amiss from your existing focus on the idea of him cheating and leaping to that conclusion on little evidence. You wouldn't be the first partner told that their reasonable suspicions were paranoia. But are they reasonable? I don't know. The problem with keeping your eyes open and waiting or doing some digging is that with existing insecurities about fidelity, is that you are already doing this all the time and you will continue to have confirmation bias, only paying attention to things which confirm your suspicions. You can't prove he's not cheating.

You don't trust him. I'm not sure what future there is in the relationship if you can't trust him. Is there something about this relationship that brings out your distrust or haverhaver you felt this way in all your relationships.

Do you think you have always been jealous and controlling or is something your current partner has told you you are? What things do you do that you think are controlling?

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Noora · 16/01/2017 22:01

Hello ThirdThoughts! I appreciate your response. I'm 100% agree with you there is no point in relationships with no trust. To be honest I was jealous my whole life. Parents, friends, now my dh - I admit that all of them are suffering from my paranoia. My father cheated on my mom when I was 9 yo. My mom forgave him and they are still together. But I would never forgive or forget such betrayal... I love my dad but the feeling that he had betrayed our family have never left me. My sister divorced a year ago. Her husband cheated on her and then he left to live with that woman. I know that you can't think that all men are same and all of them cheating. I know my husband. He has never given me reason to suspect him. But after all that "drama" in our family I can't let go of thoughts that he can be the next one who'll cheat. I try to do my best to calm down and to trust him. But after this "call from work" I feel like my heart is burning and tearing apart...

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JK1773 · 16/01/2017 22:08

Sounds like the poor man is putting up with the worry about the surrogacy, your controlling behaviour, work, your previous emotional issues and worry they may return, and money worries and is spending his entire time trying to do his best for you and your future family. I'd say give the poor fella a break. Adding suspicion to everything else could well push him to breaking point. Doesn't sound like he's cheating to me, sounds like he may be mentally exhausted. Try doing something lovely for him, give him a break and learn to value your relationship again. You've both dealt with a lot

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Noora · 17/01/2017 00:58

Hello JK1773! Thank you so much for your answer. You are so right... I'm not the only one who underwent hard times. Even though we are pregnant he has to earn money and support me and do a lot more stuff. Now I feel so stupid. I shouldered too much on him and didn't even noticed this. I should be very grateful he didn't leave such crazy person as I am) I will definitely listen to your advice. I will help both of us to relax and just to be in peace we deserve after everything we've gone through.