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I was right to do this, wasn't I ?

(26 Posts)
SilenceOfTheSAHMs Sun 25-Dec-16 15:38:34

Bit of background, DS is 6. His dad and I split up when he was a baby. XP was violent to me, verbally abusive and cruel. He has suffered mental health problems in the past and they came to the fore when we split up.
Gradually he seemed to get better, he was on medication and other therapies and seemed much calmer. I allowed contact supervised my his mum and gradually I built up contact to weekends unsupervised.
All went well for years, we were civil and discussed any important matters calmly.
Recently he has lost his job and has seemed more on edge. When DS went for contact on Friday I waved him off, all ok.
Later on that night about 8pm I received a string of text messages from XP saying I was poisoning DS mind against him, I was hacking his computer to spy on him and was listening to his conversations. I asked him what was wrong and he just rambled on about me putting listening devices in his electronic equipment. Which I have not, obviously.
Fearing a relapse into poor mental health and subsequently DS safety I rang the police. They took it very seriously and told me to drive to XP house and they would meet me there and we would get DS back.
I did this. The police were amazing and I was very relieved DS was ok. He told me his dad had been acting strangely and talking about me eavesdropping his computer. dS was very very upset and scared and told me his dad had been drinking and drinks heavily during contact every weekend. I did not know this.
Anyway, I got DS home and settled finally for about 10pm. I blocked XP to avoid further trouble.
The next day I got a message from XPs mum saying I'd ruined Christmas and DS was perfectly safe with his dad. DS was due to spend Christmas eve and half of Christmas day with them all. She really can see no wrong in him and constantly makes excuses for him. She says I'm being dramatic and difficult and there's nothing wrong with XP.
I however am standing my ground and have stopped contact temporarily while I get more of an idea of XPs mental state, I feel his level of paranoia is dangerous. He has been sectioned in the past.
I'm also very concerned about the heavy drinking scenario too, he cannot adequately look after our son if he's drunk and I find it irresponsible.
He has also not contributed financially to our son for a year, despite earning a reasonable wage. This is just background, not a massive issue as I support DS with my own wage.
I was right to remove DS wasn't I? I have a feeling XPs mum is going to ring before long and I need to be sure I'm doing the right thing and hopefully you guys may be able to help me word my defence?
I have a wonderful social worker (am legal guardian for another child who lives with us) and I think I may seek her advice also.
Many thanks, I can do without this at Christmas!

The next da

Soubriquet Sun 25-Dec-16 15:41:18

You did the right thing.

Your MIL is blind if she didn't see that her grandson was potentially at harm

cordeliavorkosigan Sun 25-Dec-16 15:42:15

It sounds like you did the right thing in a hard situation. Maybe the broken record method will help with his mum -- he should not have ds on his own while drunk and/or paranoid. And repeat!

Kr1stina Sun 25-Dec-16 15:43:06

Yes you were right.

You don't need to speak to his mother. Text her to explain that her son is unwell and she needs to encourage him to seek medical help. Don't engage in further debate with her if she's hostile.

Phone your SW when she's next working .

tygr Sun 25-Dec-16 15:45:23

You did the right thing. Sounds like he might be having a relapse, triggered by the stress of losing his job.

If your son was scared then it was definitely the right decision. Hopefully it's only temporary until ex gets back to normal.

FurryDogMother Sun 25-Dec-16 15:45:35

You were absolutely right.

WhooooAmI24601 Sun 25-Dec-16 15:47:34

You absolutely did the right thing; the police are testament to that. They wouldn't have helped you remove DS from that situation had they not believed it was in his best interests. Your MIL's opinions and Christmas joy are not your concern and if she can't see what a worry her DS is to you, she has trouble of her own brewing.

I fully endorse positive relationships between DCs and NRP's; DS1's Dad and I have been apart for almost 11 years (he's 11) and we parent as a team, respectfully, but I wouldn't hesitate to put a pause on things if I felt DS1 was in any kind of danger. You did the right thing. Continue doing it wherever you can.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs Sun 25-Dec-16 15:50:15

Oh thanks everyone for replying to me, I could not in all conscience leave my son there, I felt danger and my sixth sense was going mad. The police read the texts and agreed the best thing was to remove DS. I was terrified.
I do not envy XPs mental health issues, but drinking is not helping.
I can't believe what he's accused me of, it's absurd.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs Sun 25-Dec-16 15:52:46

Whoo yes I have encouraged a good relationship with his father and for years he has been fine. Respectful to me, sticking to contact arrangements and keeping promises. DS has seemed to enjoy contact but says his dad is drinking heavily.

Groovee Sun 25-Dec-16 15:55:19

You put your DS first and that is what is important.

Ignore ex's mum should she call. You do not need to answer to her seeing as she cannot see the danger D's was in.

Bluntness100 Sun 25-Dec-16 15:56:50

Text her and say the police decided he should be removed after reading the texts and whatever the situation looking after children drunk is not ok and that your child said he was drunk now most of the time , then close the conversation. Of course you did the right thing.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs Sun 25-Dec-16 16:00:14

It's a wonder I drove over there safely, I was beside myself. I was running potential scenarios in my mind which wasn't helping.
You read about dreadful things happening to children left in the care of drunk and/or unstable parents, I just had to put a stop to it.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 25-Dec-16 16:03:18

Yes you did the right thing without a shadow of a doubt.
Sounds like the stress of losing his job is bringing on another episode and his medication won't work with alcohol :0(

Wolfiefan Sun 25-Dec-16 16:07:10

You did the right thing. I'm sorry his menta health isn't good BUT the safety and welfare of your child must come first.

amammabear Sun 25-Dec-16 16:07:13

You did completely the right thing, you should contact social services as soon as possible though, the police may have already done so.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs Sun 25-Dec-16 16:13:32

Amammabear I hope they have, maybe this will highlight the seriousness of it to EXMIL. And I will get help with what to do next 're contact. I have a feeling a solicitors letter will be coming.

amammabear Sun 25-Dec-16 16:15:02

That's probably best, the sooner you contact them as well though, the better it is likely to reflect on you- especially as you already have contact with them.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs Sun 25-Dec-16 16:15:46

Anything could have happened!! Whether accidental or not! I had to act fast but EXMIL seems to think I'm a drama queen. I think she is a classic minimizer. She will not hear a word against him.

Molly333 Sun 25-Dec-16 20:44:20

I'm a medical professional and I would say your ex was in a psychotic state . I have to say no child should be in that situation , God fobid how you would've feeling now if it had gone worse . My advice is ignore his mum , a lot of mums have very deluded ways of thinking when it comes to their sons behaviour ( my ex mother in law did)

. Your focus here is ur child's safety and well being . I now work for social services and in my opinion you need to tell them too as they will provide support for you and ur child , also google psychosis

tribpot Sun 25-Dec-16 20:55:53

The facts seem fairly simple. A person with a history of mental illness made bizarre accusations against you, which concerned both you and the police enough that they went with you to retrieve your 6-year-old child to protect him from the risk of harm.

Your ex-MIL's priority now should be getting treatment for her own ds, who appears to be too unwell to realise that he needs it.

You have nothing you need to discuss with her, so I would block her number too.

The only thing that really matters is that your ds is safe and well. I hope your ex can be persuaded to seek the help he needs too.

Gallavich Sun 25-Dec-16 20:59:58

Don't engage with her. There is really no need.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs Mon 26-Dec-16 18:21:14

Thanks for replying everyone, I bloody thought I was right !!

OnTheRise Mon 26-Dec-16 18:55:44

You were more than right: you were BLOODY BRILLIANT. You did exactly the right thing, and have ensured that your son is now safe and the people who should love your ex have been alerted to his problems. If they choose to ignore them that's their lookout: your job is to protect your son, which you did with knobs on.

Well done! I hope I am as good if I'm ever required to deal with such a horrible situation.

eyebrowsonfleek Mon 26-Dec-16 19:05:32

Thank goodness you brought him back!
I had to do the same with my ex. He got drunk and had a huge barney with his gf and the kids called me up terrified. Kids are physically smaller than adults and can't drive back home if they feel the need to get out of a bad situation. I have no regrets of fetching them and ex stopped drinking when they visit now so win-win for everyone.

KickAssAngel Mon 26-Dec-16 19:20:56

It doesn't even have to been a worst case scenario. How would you, an adult, want to be shut in a house with a drunken paranoid man? Now imagine how that felt for your 6 year old. It must have been really scary for him, and no way would you want him to grow up thinking of that as a 'normal' way for adults to behave.

Just think about how much happier your DS must have been waking up with you on Christmas morning.

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