My son has rejected me

[LoveMySituation]

Just that really. My son lives with my dad, for many reasons. He's 12. He has wished me merry Christmas via email last week, no mention of the presents I got him, and no reply when i asked if he wanted to see me. Me and my dad don't get on, there is past abuse, and I am angry that he has sidelined me in my own sons life, so he hasn't invited me. So I'm alone, and just feel rejected and worthless. I just don't see the point in this half life, with hellish ocd, and my son being brought up in ways I have no control over. I hate every part of this life. I can't get a job, so am financially worried as well. My dad says my son has rejected me due to my ocd. My son says its because I dont understand anything.
Either way he never loved me much in the first place. I just want to leave and never come back . Preferably Morocco

[redexpat]

Oh dear. That does sound tough. I dont know what to say. Im sure someone wiser will be along soon

[Earlybird]

Sounds very tough.

What have you done to address your OCD? I know it can be debilitating, but think I'm right that some things can be helpful in managing it.

Can you go out, or to a friend's house so you don't sit and brood today?

Best of luck.

[TrishanFlips]

12 is a difficult age.He may well come back to you later. Hang on in there and keep loving him. Do you have single friends and could you have a nice holiday in Morocco? I would not move there permanently yet. Tell your DS you love him and are there for him whenever he needs you.

[LoveMySituation]

Thanks everyone. I have tried meds and currently on waiting list for therapy. I have no friends. I moved here to be close to him. Trish I've told him that, he just doesn't care, he and his friends laugh at me, and he looks at me with the same blank, cold look his sociopathic dad had. Fills me with fear for the future, and if I'm honest, I want my previous life back. Having him triggered the ocd

[sleepingkoala]

What does your son think that you don't understand? What exactly has he said to you that he doesn't like/you don't understand? Or if not then what can you think of?

How much have a spoken to him/listened? I would recommend a could conversation if you haven't already and he is willing of course? If not then just give him the space he wants, let him know you understand if applicable and you can apologise for anything you think you've done if applicable (obviously I have no idea of the full story) and just let him know you are there for him when he wants/he's ready. Make sure you give him space after communicating what you need to.

In what ways did the having your son trigger your OCD?

What are the obstacles to you finding a job? Is it just that you're struggling to be hired in a job you want? or is it because of your OCD or anything else? Would further training help or is that not the issue?

Do you find that a change of scene helps with your OCD? I know it does with mine. I'm not necessarily suggesting you should move really far away or anything if you don't want to. I'm just suggesting a change of scene or lifestyle in some way like it could be as simple as changing your daily routine or moving to a new house in just a slightly different away or just having a short time away. Just for example. Also why Morocco and is that a serious plan? Just curious.

[RubyWinterstorm]

Oh that must be tough...

Try to keep a door open for him by saying you'll always be there for him and keep in touch.

He will probably come back, on his own terms?

No idea really, just try and focus on improving your own life.

But never give up on him

[LIZS]

Difficult without knowing the circumstances as to how and why your ds lives with your f . Is it an official placement or just came about through your ocd or something else. What would need to happen to enable him to return to you, if that is what you want?

[LoveMySituation]

I have no idea. We were ok til parents evening, when he cancelled all my appointments, and now apparently I don't 'get' anything. He won't talk to me, constantly has friends over, and would hate me more if he had to lose time with them for me. He used to live with his dad, till he chose last year to move to my dad. There is a long back story but he was pleased that I moved to my dad's tiny town. I hate it, but I did it for him. But he sees my dad and his dad ignoring me, treating me awfully, so he learns that's how to treat me

[LoveMySituation]

Koala I've just finished the one and only job I've ever had. They suddenly stopped using the firm. At age 38, don't have much on cv. I live in a very small place, backend of nowhere, and I cant drive. A huge problem here. Ocd doesn't help.

[LIZS]

The longer he is with either of them the more he is likely to treat you badly, as that will be their view of you, and the distance between your understanding of each other will increase. However I suspect this is as much a reaction to what he perceives as you "rejecting" him by giving in to him living elsewhere. At 11/12 he shouldn't have this much control. Maybe he wants you to put up resistance and have him back. Are there any sw or legal orders involved or just an informal arrangement.

[LoveMySituation]

I didn't have ocd before I had my son. Almost immediately after-with hindsight - I saw things starting to go that way, until my mum died, and I had a few issues that a normal person wouldn't worry about, and it's led to the last 12 years

[LoveMySituation]

Liz a court order put him with his dad at 3.He hated it and loves living with my dad. Has no boundaries, does what he wants. I get so angry with my dad about it

[TheSparrowhawk]

Sorry what? Your son is with your abuser? Is that right?

[LIZS]

How does his move to your estranged f fit with the court order? Have you at any point since he was 3 tried to get residency? As to your work situation maybe a move to somewhere more accessible would benefit your prospects and access to mh support.

[LoveMySituation]

Liz I've literally just moved into a lovely house , I cant leave, much as i would want to. No court will make an order for a 12 yo , my ex wasn't bothered my son left, he only wanted him to get at me

[LIZS]

But he hasn't always been 12 and even now he can have a say but that isn't final. How does living with his gf fit with the court order if it was ex who was awarded custody. Does he visit you ? There's not much point living in a nice house of your life is otherwise made difficult.

[LoveMySituation]

I get what you're saying, but I cannot afford to go to court, thousands for a son that doesn't want anything to do with me. All parties agreed he could live there, so court order won't apply.

[mamakena]

I know the feeling. My 11 y.o. son began rejecting me at the age if 9, spurred on by his father. I was cut off, only saw him (and my daughter) sporadically. I recently got a court orderfor visitation. I just try to be interested in his life and do things we can enjoy together. He recently called me 'cool' which is a huge step.

My kids know I love them but I have a life of my own too. I would advise you to take every opportunity to see him or talk with him but only if he's willing. He may grow out of it or not, but you can have the clear conscience that you did all you could.

If you need to move away for a job please do as long as you can visit. Otherwise you might end up very resentful.

[LoveMySituation]

Thank you mama. I have recently moved from a city to be with him. I will move again when he is 16 if things are the same. How did you cope with the emotional side of things?

[LoveMySituation]

I am feeling much better today, and I am so grateful to everyone who took time out of their busy day yesterday. Merry Boxing day

[mamakena]

Merry boxing day too, LoveMySituation! It's not easy emotionally. In fact very hard, but I've kept busy with my work, tried to enjoy my own life however lonely or empty it feels, and prayed for my kids too. You learn to be patient and glad for all the positives like they're alive & healthy. Soon they'll be all grown and life goes on.

[LoveMySituation]

I know you're right mama, things with me may be complicated by my own mum leaving me at age 5 and moving 600 miles away to university, so I know what its like growing up without a mum, and I am also watching my dad raise my son in the same ways he did with me, which is frustrating, although he's much, much nicer to my son!(thankfully) Do many people irl know your situation? Do you find it difficult even mentioning you have children in case of negative reactions?

[mamakena]

I don't find it hard to mention, in fact many people usually think I live with them though they've mostly been abroad or 100s of miles away....i just talk about them and think of them a lot . It's been going on for 10 years, since they were very little... It's like a phantom surrounding me all the time.

[mamakena]

I would go to an online site for non-custodial mums ( i think moms arising, not too sure) during my lowest times and just read stories and cried...but felt a bit better... please hang in there, don't be afraid to be judged, in fact many people are very kind.

[LoveMySituation]

I judge myself mama. Maybe more than others. So much shame. For being ill, for not being able to cope like others do. My dad has always told me that I'm weak, sometimes i agree with him. I like what you said about it being a phantom around you-it feels that way.