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Help me process this comment / relationship...

(48 Posts)
dingdongmerrilyonhiiiiiiii Sat 24-Dec-16 21:42:57

I'm at Mum & Stepdad's for tonight and tomorrow morning, with DH and toddler DD.

For context, Stepdad and mum have been married for about 7 years. He's in his late 60s. I'm in my 20s. He has a history of behaviour that's a bit offensive when he's been drinking. He's previously made comments criticising my mum to me and putting down DH, for example. Always just a bit nasty and unpleasant, nothing majorly shocking. His behaviour has worn down my two siblings; one now visits once a year and one refuses to ever visit.

A few times I've found him a little inappropriate - once he looked me up and down and told me I was "an incredibly attractive woman, just like your mother" - and he'll go in for shoulder rubs and lots of kisses on the face. Again, it's the sort of thing that could be perceived as borderline, but it makes me uncomfortable.

At times when I or others directly challenge him in the moment, or don't reciprocate the physical affection, he acts very upset and hurt, and implies that it's unreasonable to dislike his behaviour. On other occasions he's become fully angry and created a big uncomfortable scene and subsequent atmosphere. In the 8 or so years I've known him, there's never been a constructive discussion about how his behaviour impacts me / others and so, rightly or wrongly I now usually take the path of least resistance and ignore / bat stuff off.

Tonight he's a bit drunk. I'm wearing a slogan tshirt. I was walking past and he started trying to read it - made a big charade of being unable to - then asked me what it said because "I can't read it because of your titties". I muttered something about that being inappropriate, and walked into the next room, and he called after me that I was off in a huff.

I don't know if I'm over-reacting, but I'm fuming. I feel like that's a horrible, demeaning way to speak to me. Maybe it's the straw breaking the camel's back. I'm worried about my daughter growing up and hearing that sort of shit from him. I'm thinking of all the stuff we've tried to ignore or brush off for the sake of the peace, and I just feel like it's never going to be different.

I'm not sure what I'm asking. Does anyone have a helpful perspective? Am I over reacting? Is there a constructive way to handle this?

Believeitornot Sat 24-Dec-16 21:45:21

He makes you feel uncomfortable. That's enough to know his behaviour is unacceptable.

As for the titties comment - what the actual fuck? He's a pervert!!! How disgusting. Your siblings have done the right thing by cutting contact.

Chocolate123 Sat 24-Dec-16 21:46:52

Creep I'd have as little as possible to do with him

OohhThatsMe Sat 24-Dec-16 21:47:54

Ugh, he sounds really horrible.

Could your DH have a word with him?

No wonder your sisters don't want to visit.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout Sat 24-Dec-16 21:48:39

That's totally unacceptable. What does your DM say when he says things like this? Or your DH? Mine would go into full macho mode to 'protect my honour'( he's not a typical macho type but wouldn't allow someone to speak to me like that.

If your DM can't help and he's unwilling to change after a reasonable discussion, I'd avoid him at all costs and certainly not let your LO anywhere near him and his inappropriate behaviour

sansoucitherednosedcariboo Sat 24-Dec-16 21:49:49

Cough violently into his face if he comes near you. Then smile sweetly.

RandomMess Sat 24-Dec-16 21:50:33

He's a creep I'd stop visiting

Honeyandfizz Sat 24-Dec-16 21:53:28

Yuck very inappropriate who the hell says titties to their stepdaughter. What does your mother think of him? Is she aware he is a pervert??

OohhThatsMe Sat 24-Dec-16 21:57:39

Do you have to stay overnight when you visit, OP? Can't you just see your mum on her own?

IhatchedaSnorlax Sat 24-Dec-16 22:00:47

He sounds awful - I'd stay far far away & keep my DC far away too. Sorry Op.

BubblingUp Sat 24-Dec-16 22:02:32

Get a pocket taser and tell him not to touch you again or you will tase him. I carry one. They are not expensive. His behavior is repulsive.

Ahmezia Sat 24-Dec-16 22:13:21

Bubblingup Are you in the UK??!! Taser's pocket or otherwise are illegal here with a maximum sentence of 10 years.

And seeing people like you would be using them inapproproriately it's a good job too!!!

Cricrichan Sat 24-Dec-16 22:16:30

What a disgusting man! Does your mum know?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 24-Dec-16 22:21:28

No, you are not over-reacting.

"Get away from me you creepy perv" is a perfectly reasonable statement.

Yes, there is a constructive way to handle it. Your siblings have already found it: you stay away from the creepy perv.

In future, don't spend Xmas with a creepy perv.

Leave there as soon as is possible because creepy pervs get to carry on being creepy pervs mainly because so many people rate not being rude or not having a row above not being perved over.

Some things are worth kicking off about. Your step dad perving over your breasts is definitely in that category. Why the fuck isn't your DH going ballistic at him right now? Or your mum?

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 24-Dec-16 22:24:51

He's a creep.

Arrange to see your mother without him around.

She will not hear a word against him as long as she's invested in the relationship, so don't bother to try to get her on side. Just state clearly what you want (to see her, minus him), and stick to your choice without ever trying to explain or defend yourself.

Good luck. Men like that sicken me and you will do well to stay away.

dingdongmerrilyonhiiiiiiii Sat 24-Dec-16 22:29:44

Thank you for your replies. Ugh. It has crossed a line, hasn't it?

DH is angry and wanted to leave at first. We've not said anything - can't face a scene really. I don't think my Stepdad would engage with a 'real' conversation with him about this.

I think over the years mum has tried to speak to him with little effect. We live several hours away and so stopping visits to their home would have a big impact. Mum can come and visit us but I know it would be painful for her to have us say we're not coming any more.

tallwivglasses Sat 24-Dec-16 22:39:59

You tell him straight. You tell him this has to stop right now. You tell him not to play the sad misunderstood victim, you can see right through it. And you tell him this is between you and him and not to go crying to your mother.

NotTheFordType Sat 24-Dec-16 22:52:01

Mum can come and visit us but I know it would be painful for her to have us say we're not coming any more.

It may be painful but it could also be the wake up call that she needs. Up until now you've probably provided a thin veneer of "the other two just don't get on with him." If you're all out together, it might actually open her eyes to the fact that she's married a revolting lecher.

please don't let your DC grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour.

Butterymuffin Sat 24-Dec-16 22:56:29

What tall said. Summon up your anger and tell him to pack it in right now and not be so pathetic ever again.

TheSparrowhawk Sat 24-Dec-16 23:16:24

If your partner drove away two of your children and made that sort of comment to another, what would you do? Would you expect your daughter to suck it up so you wouldn't have to deal with it?

Gooseygoosey12345 Sat 24-Dec-16 23:38:14

A useful perspective is; if your daughter had a stepdad and he spoke to her like that would you find it inappropriate. I'd fully outright tell him to stop being a pervert, no conversation needed.

dingdongmerrilyonhiiiiiiii Sat 24-Dec-16 23:48:05

I really appreciate all the perspectives offered here. Thank you. It's particularly helpful to think how I'd feel if it was somebody else - especially dd - in my shoes. Yes it's really not on and I'm more confident that I'm not over reacting now.

My gut feeling is that some of the very straight-talking style responses suggested would just be inflammatory in this relationship. I don't actually think he's being deliberately pervy or lecherous with the 'titties' comment (or generally) - more that he's a bit drunk and insecure and trying to be risqué / clever / funny /outrageous / affectionate / other (?) and missing the mark. Perhaps that's naive.

That doesn't make it an ok thing to say, but it does add to my sense that I need to respond differently to how I might if a stranger commented on my breasts in a bar, for example.

Patriciathestripper1 Sun 25-Dec-16 00:00:27

What a dirty old pervert.
You should have turned and asked him if he realises how disgusting and inappropriate that sounds. And if he continues then non of you will be visiting again.
You have nothing to loose by saying this to him as his attitude will stop you wanting to visit anyway and by voicing your opinion it might open you mothers eyes.
but frankly if she's not sticking up for you and calling him out on it then she is almost as bad as him.
Either way, you can't risk him talking that way infront of your DD, let alone the unwanted attention she may receive from him when she is older!!!

BubblingUp Sun 25-Dec-16 00:03:56

Pocket tasers are legal where I am.

OneEpisode Sun 25-Dec-16 00:05:52

You do respond differently than you would if the comment came from a stranger.
But the standard you expect from a step-father hosting a family member overnight is higher not lower!

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