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Close family member comments on my child rearing at family socials

(26 Posts)
Openup41 Sat 24-Dec-16 20:03:51

I rarely visit this person but they attend family functions, some in my home and stay over on occasion. They regularly point out my children's behaviour and try to discipline them. I point out time after time that as their mother, I will discipline them. The person becomes personal and mentions never wanting to look after my children in the future. I have never asked them to and do not have the intention of doing so. It has upset me to the point of me asking to be excused from the dining table. I spent hours cooking a Christmas Eve meal which everyone is enjoying bar me. If I ask the person to leave, my dm would fall out with me which would totally ruin Christmas for the children and make me look like the black sheep. I am expected to host as I am more secure financially and have the family set up whilst they are single. I suffer silently every Christmas/Easter because they are family and I am too cowardly to tell them where to go.

Isetan Sat 24-Dec-16 20:14:57

You are allowed not to invite rude people into your home. If your Mother wants to entertain this relative, then she will have to host them. Don't be bullied by your rude relative or your Mother.

Everyone has a role to play in relationship dynamics, don't let doormat be yours.

BackforGood Sat 24-Dec-16 20:34:32

Depends what your dc are doing. At a family 'do' I would expect any adult to be able to contribute to helping dc learn how to behave.

Cherrysoup Sat 24-Dec-16 21:25:03

I would very deliberately stop, turn to the person and say, nice and loudly: 'I have repeatedly told you that I will discipline my children. Why do you persist in trying to do my job?' And when they mention never looking after them, easy, stop, glare, tell them it's lucky you will never ask them to, then.

They don't have the right to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home and the person is U to make you feel inadequate.

CalmItKermitt Sat 24-Dec-16 21:30:47

Agree with Cherry. I'm a wuss but I'd have to say something here. I wouldn't be able to keep quiet.

user1471538275 Sat 24-Dec-16 21:30:55

Well BackforGood that would be okay if some adults weren't completely hideous. I'm not letting the 'that child needs a good slap' bunch anywhere near my offspring. Many adults have unrealistic expectations of children coupled with a slight jealousy that they were treated horribly when young and would like to see that tradition repeated.

Joinourclub Sat 24-Dec-16 21:33:12

If they get to say what they are thinking, then so do you.

Fishface77 Sat 24-Dec-16 22:01:45

Stick up for yourself and your kids.
Maybe make a comment along the lines of "well if my children are such a chore then I won't invite you next time. That will solve the problem for you. As for looking after my kids. Not. Ever. Happening."

OopsDearyMe Sat 24-Dec-16 22:07:59

Does this creature have kids themselves?

I think we all know that there are things we fought we knew and found out we didn't. My sister is awful for that. Also parenting techniques have changed and maybe you ought to point that out.

Of course it does depend on what they are doing and I would allow some family members to step in if needed.

If its Christmas excitement tho, I may just say something about it being amazing how excited kids get at this time of year, it !makes me so joyful to have them.
Oh and surely the single people have more time and disposable income to host than a busy working mum!!!

QueenyLaverne Sat 24-Dec-16 22:09:21

I would definitely pull this person up publicly next time. FTS or what your mother thinks. Your a grown adult I'm assuming. Tolerance zero, no...just no...

ChuckSnowballs Sat 24-Dec-16 22:13:21

'I do not remember asking your opinion' >paddington stare<

'Neither have I or will I ever ask you to look after my kids. Just so as we are clear.if you don't like it, you are free to leave'.

Brighteyes27 Sat 24-Dec-16 22:20:43

I hate people like this. I remember a rude childless elderly neighbour used to make comments to my mum about our behaviour when I was young. Comments like they deserve a good clip round the ear hole, children should be seen and not heard were some of our favourites.
I have never come across this but hope I would have the courage to stand up for myself and my offspring.
Has this relative had any children of her own she sounds very bitter and twisted and is trying to make her problems your problem.

BarbarianMum Sat 24-Dec-16 22:20:54

Stop inviting them. Either your children are a right pain (in which case they'll be relieved), or your relative is being rude and you'll be relieved. You need to stand up to your mum about this.

SSYMONDS Sat 24-Dec-16 22:26:48

What fishface. And snowballs say

Mouthofmisery Sat 24-Dec-16 22:34:22

That's awful for you. Maybe spit in their dinner?

Kittenrush Sat 24-Dec-16 22:37:39

I'm with mouth. Nice big phlegmy one under their veg

Openup41 Sun 25-Dec-16 13:37:59

I need to grow a pair and tell people where to go. I regularly feel pushed into a corner. A lot is expected of me - far more than my siblings.

I never say how I feel - just suppress it and count down the days until they go home.

Mum takes over as although I am over 35, she cannot quite accept I run a home, raise children, work in a management role, act as a mentor.

I feel infantilised in her presence. I hate who I become. In order to come into my own I have to fight and I end up looking like the baddie. I am probably childish in not wanting her to have the last say. I was petrified of mum as a child.

LadyLapsang Sun 25-Dec-16 14:07:50

I suppose it would depend on what your children are doing. If you are busy cooking lunch and, for example, one of your children who was old enough to know how to behave hurt another child then I don't think it would be untoward for a close friend or relative to comment that that was not a nice way to behave or to prevent them fighting / breaking toys etc., especially if a younger or more vulnerable child was involved. Do they know your approach to discipline, so for example if you were ignoring poor manners, do they know you are choosing to do that as a conscious strategy, rather than just not noticing / not caring.

Openup41 Sun 25-Dec-16 17:27:15

My children are not bullies. They are loud and outspoken. They become excited at times too.

Lunar1 Sun 25-Dec-16 17:29:30

It really depends on how you are letting your children behave.

Lunar1 Sun 25-Dec-16 17:30:05

What outspoken things are they saying?

SheldonCRules Sun 25-Dec-16 18:31:28

Maybe they have a point and that's what's hit home? Nothing worse than ill behaved children with parents who won't discipline or think their children are angels.

Mum2jenny Sun 25-Dec-16 18:35:46

I'd suggest not inviting the critical person again after telling them that as they're unhappy in your house with the decisions you make regarding your DC, they'd be best not to visit you.

Muldjewangk Sun 25-Dec-16 19:14:10

If an adult has nothing nice to say to your children they have no right to come into your home and start telling your children how to behave. One of my sisters was very good when it came to telling other people how to bring up their children. Having no children of her own she had no idea, she still had no idea when she had her own children. You know the type, give me your child for a week, I will sort them out.

I would tell your mother this Christmas is the last you are hosting Christmas and Easter. Don't look back in years to come and wish you had enjoyed this time with your children without interference from this family member. You also need to have a good chat to your mother about the way she is treating you in your home. Sounds like she thinks she is hosting and you are her servant.

Believeitornot Sun 25-Dec-16 19:18:59

Well it depends if your kids are being annoying or not.

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