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Affair?

(52 Posts)
Looneytune253 Sat 24-Dec-16 08:35:20

Long story short if I can. Hubby became protective over his phone, started using it a lot more about a year and a half ago. He had an accident I found messages (of support) from a woman he works with. There were lots (I mean pages of chat from messenger) but all innocent enough. We talked about it and he understood how it made me uncomfortable.

Fast forward to last night I was looking at our daughters mobile account to check she wasn't going over her allowances and I noticed his was super high. When I had a look there was pages and pages of texts to one number. (On itemised bill). Asked him why there were so many and who it was and he replied probably x from work (one of his male colleagues). When I searched the number on Facebook it was actually the other lady. I don't know what to think. There's like 30 messages a day. He deletes all his texts tho (which is another red flag) so dont know what to say.
I genuinely don't think he would be sleeping with her or anything and he's horrified at how it looks but I feel really hurt and betrayed. He did actually get rid of his phone last night as he doesn't want it to be like that. He says she texts everyone and is just jokes etc back and forth and shes very needy generally but just a nice lady generally. What do u think?

Notapodling Sat 24-Dec-16 08:49:28

30 messages a day? Lying about who it was? And he deletes his texts?
That doesn't sound good, OP.
I've been through the 'Is he or isn't he' part of an affair and from that and every other post like it on MN, if he is, he will swear blind there's nothing going on until caught red handed (and possibly after that too).
Your instincts (and the evidence so far) tell you there's something off.

Notapodling Sat 24-Dec-16 08:49:28

30 messages a day? Lying about who it was? And he deletes his texts?
That doesn't sound good, OP.
I've been through the 'Is he or isn't he' part of an affair and from that and every other post like it on MN, if he is, he will swear blind there's nothing going on until caught red handed (and possibly after that too).
Your instincts (and the evidence so far) tell you there's something off.

Carlinamoon1 Sat 24-Dec-16 08:57:30

Sorry you're going through this.
flowersI wouldn't be happy with this or satisfied with his response. He may have got rid of his phone but he will have other means of getting in touch with her. He lied to you about the number and he knew you were uncomfortable about his 'friendship' with this woman 18 months ago. This would be unacceptable for me. My ex did something similar, he told me I was going mad to be suspicious of his friendship with a particular woman. I reluctantly believed him, couldn't get any proof (I didn't get this until after I'd thrown him out) but my suspicions were eventually confirmed and he's now in a relationship with this 'friend he didn't find attractive and was a bit of a needy bunny boiler' Just be careful, it may be innocent but be prepared for it not to be and remain vigilant.

Looneytune253 Sat 24-Dec-16 08:57:55

I know, it really doesn't. He just said it didn't feel like that much and he genuinely does struggle with his memory since the accident. Sorry I'm trying not to drip feed but you don't realise how relevant things are until u come across them.
I did see the messages the first time and they were all innocent enough.

Snowflake65 Sat 24-Dec-16 09:02:12

Been there, done that.

I'm so sorry that you're discovering this at xmas. There's never a good time but still.

IsNotGold Sat 24-Dec-16 09:09:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina Sat 24-Dec-16 09:18:53

If it's all innocent

1. Why did he lie and say the number was of a male colleague ?

2. Why did he delete the texts if they are all innocent chat / jokes?

3. Why didn't he ever mention these innocent chats to you ?

4. Only teenagers send 30 texts a day , what age is he ?

5. Why is his mobile bill so high? Most accounts have many many texts in the package ?

6. Why does your phone bill itemise every text?

Brandnewstart Sat 24-Dec-16 09:20:31

That's exactly how I found out about exs affair... sorry OP.

Kennington Sat 24-Dec-16 09:22:34

30 texts per day sounds immature at best. He isn't 16.
Either way it needs an explanation.

Looneytune253 Sat 24-Dec-16 09:31:33

Lol, I could prob send 30 whatsapps to a friend in a couple of hours tbh and I'm not a phone obsessed person.
The bill has actually ended up high because of the data usage, he spends a lot of time passing time at work on you tube. My phone account online tells you where all your mins/texts/data has gone. Think that's pretty standard.
I have met her and her hubby before (frequently but briefly) wonder what he would make of it though.
Asked hubby how he would feel the other way and he completely understood why I was upset (but he did last time too supposedly)

loobyloo1234 Sat 24-Dec-16 10:03:13

30 messages a day confused Blimey. Sorry to hear this OP. The fact he is deleting them points to the worse IMO

Text messaging is very different to whatsapp messaging when it is in a group environment

IsNotGold Sat 24-Dec-16 10:06:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Dec-16 10:17:52

That looks very much like he is emotionally, if not physically, very involved with this woman

0dfod Sat 24-Dec-16 10:23:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

housewifedesperate Sat 24-Dec-16 10:25:36

As other people have said, trust your instincts but basically what he's doing is wrong anyway, whether there's more to it or not.
I had exactly the same and he's now living with the woman who he was texting who was 'just a friend'

Softkitty2 Sat 24-Dec-16 10:44:20

Read your responses here. You are making excuses for him. Its either you tell him to stop because of how it makes you feel or let him get on with it.

herwegoagain123 Sat 24-Dec-16 11:34:40

Of course he's having an affair. He's giving her all his time and attention. Most wives think their husbands would never play away and its just naïve. You are believing his bullshit. Bide your time and decide what to do. Would you divorce him? If so gather financials and see a lawyer.
Horrified? It's an act. He's lying.

Believeitornot Sat 24-Dec-16 11:37:41

It's the deleting and hiding which is the issue.

I text male and female friends a lot but I don't hide it from DH. He's welcome to read them although he may be hmm at some them (they're very silly messages!)

rumred Sat 24-Dec-16 11:42:49

He's cheating and lying. Or at least he's bored of you and is seeking stimulation and attention elsewhere. Dishonest disrespectful behaviour from him

PaterPower Sat 24-Dec-16 11:54:36

If he's youtubing a lot in work as well then it could just be boredom which is leading to the texting. The deleting after may be because he's aware of how upset you were last time but is taking what he perceives as the easiest route ("what she doesn't know won't hurt her") rather than because he's into her.

Unfortunately the "easy" / least hassle route is the one a lot of people (but I will admit, particularly men) will instinctively take without thinking things through to there logical conclusion.

Having said all that, my cheating radar is hopeless; just ask my exW - I had no clue at all what she was getting up to so these other posters may have it right.

QuarterMileAtATime Sat 24-Dec-16 15:00:02

Hmm. He says she texts 'everyone' around 30 texts a day? Do really you think she is spending her entire day every day texting 'everyone'?
He may just like the attention and that's as far as it goes. Regardless, it's inappropriate and if he doesn't stop knowing how you feel about it, he doesn't respect you - and that's the real problem.

flumpybear Sat 24-Dec-16 15:14:10

This doesn't read well I'm afraid - I'd be really suspicious too flowers

Looneytune253 Sat 24-Dec-16 15:21:06

I'm feeling so sad about the whole thing, and at Christmas too. I'm gutted!! He's actually a really good guy (current behaviour excepted). I'm hoping that (from a blokes point of view) that paters description is accurate. I'm keeping an open mind though. He's been sympathetic and attentive today and wants to make it up to me. He swears there's nothing been going on but admits his error of there being so many messages.
Quarter, apparently she is well attached to her phone and is literally texting people all day long. He's always laughed at me and my 'excessive' phone usage but he admits this woman is on a different level. He says he always responds even if it's just a 'lol' because he's polite. He doesn't have a phone now though so no idea how that will work out practically.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Dec-16 15:29:04

He will simply use his second phone

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