Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

AIBU when MIL comes to baby-sit for me and takes to my ex's house

(25 Posts)
roxygirl Sat 24-Dec-16 08:10:25

My MIL kindly agreed to have my children as the holiday club hadn't started. My plan was for them to have a pj day, first day of the holidays. So MIL arrives and says she has a secret plan for them and it has all been set up at my ex's house and they must go there to do it... "Its all been arranged!" Um well no I'm sorry not with me it hasn't. It turns out she has a box kit of a gingerbread house with pre-made icing etc. I am so happy she did craft with them just was angry she dragged my children out of the house at 8.30 and then brought them home at 5. Kids had a lovely day as were on screens the rest of the time, and gingerbread house was so perfect I doubt my kids went anywhere near it. AIBU to be angry she dictates to me where they spend the day?

BigGreenOlives Sat 24-Dec-16 08:12:40


Helloooooitsme Sat 24-Dec-16 08:14:00

Well like you say she was kind enough to take them off your hands for a whole day. They had a good time. I would be grateful myself. Can't see at all why you are angry I'm afraid.

ProudBadMum Sat 24-Dec-16 08:15:37

Don't understand the problem. Did you want them stuck in the house?

aginghippy Sat 24-Dec-16 08:16:37

YABU she was doing you a favour. The children were safe and happy. You yourself say they had a lovely day.

roxygirl Sat 24-Dec-16 08:17:12

I suppose so,
I just would much rather her come out and say that she planned to spend the day elsewhere. I felt there were undercurrents of manipulation going on.

luckylucky24 Sat 24-Dec-16 08:18:28

Well she is doing you a favour so I think you have to accept that she takes them where she want. Within reason of course.
My mil used to take my son on a train to the next city without telling me and at first I was quite annoyed but finally concluded that it was nice she wanted those memories of fun times.

ProudBadMum Sat 24-Dec-16 08:19:43

How has she manipulated anything? You want them to have pj day and they didn't. Do that when you have them

She set up a surprise for your kids and they enjoyed it. Still not seeing the problem

HardcoreLadyType Sat 24-Dec-16 08:20:25

YABU, really, unless there is some reason you haven't put in the OP why they can't go to your ex.

It sounds like they had a lazy day, which is what you wanted.

She provided childcare you needed.

You need to let go a bit - you can't control everything to do with your children.

GrumpyDullard Sat 24-Dec-16 08:23:36

I think YANBU to be annoyed that she sprung it on you. I can understand that it's frustrating when you thought the plan was A only to find out at the very last minute that it was B. But it all turned out well, so YWBU to be cross with MIL about it. I would just say something like "Thanks for giving the DCs a lovely day but next time I'd prefer to know what your plans are in advance."

Nicknameofawesome Sat 24-Dec-16 08:23:41

YABU here if FIL looks after the kids I take them to his and he does whatever with them.

Surely it's sitters choice. Unless the sitter is putting the kids in danger (in which case they should not be sitting ever again) I don't see the issue?

roxygirl Sat 24-Dec-16 08:25:02

just that it was on day they were meant to be at my house, I didn't understand why she couldn't have done it at my house, and allowed them to have breakfast etc before having to leave the house. and the "its all been arranged" statement

ProudBadMum Sat 24-Dec-16 08:28:30

Because she wanted to do something nice with her grandkids while she had them?

I'm not understanding why it matters where she did it or where they had breakfast. It had been arranged by her though.

But I let whoever has my kids do what they want with them.

Helloooooitsme Sat 24-Dec-16 08:29:56

I'd be over the moon if my ex-mil was prepared to take my children off for the day. You are lucky you know as many people don't have support like that. If I need childcare for a day e.g. to cover Inset days for me to go to work it costs me £8 ph.

I think you have to accept it is up to her what she does with them. If you were employing her, it would be different.

SVJAA Sat 24-Dec-16 08:34:21

My ex MIL couldn't pick DS1 out of a line up. I think its nice that she spent the day with them and wanted to help you out. YABU.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 24-Dec-16 08:35:33

She did you a favour and they appear to have enjoyed themselves but if you felt manipulated or don't like her approach you don't have to ask her again do you.

PassiveAgressiveQueen Sat 24-Dec-16 08:40:06

Maybe she wouldn't feel comfortable spending all day in your house without you in it. Having to poke around your cupboards to make food and clean up.
Maybe she felt comfortable doing all that in her sons house.

ChocoChou Sat 24-Dec-16 08:45:06

Exactly what PassiveAggressive said. Undoubtedly she would've felt more comfortable in her sons house...

My mum/MIL would hate if I tried to dictate that the kids should have a PJ day when they're looking after them. No way! How old are the kids anyway? (I don't agree with PJ days anyway, lazy days yes but at least wash and put a tracksuit on or something...)

PinxTheTinxMinx Sat 24-Dec-16 08:46:24

Sorry but YABU, if she's good enough to have your children all day it's up to her what she does with them.

SixthSenseless Sat 24-Dec-16 08:53:32

Unless there is an issue with them needing to be kept away fr your ex, YABVU.
'You' planned a pj day even though you weren't the one looking after them that day? It was your day at your house....but their grandparent was looking after them, not you, so why would that matter?

You sound more control freak than she does manipulator, in this case,

She is their grandma, she loves them, she was doing childcare for you. Relax and back off!

Newbrummie Sat 24-Dec-16 09:13:27

It's the sneakiness isn't it, my ex mil had my kids and skyped their dad whilst she had them, of course I wouldn't have said no but she should have been upfront. It erodes trust and makes you ask somebody else next time

QueenLaBeefah Sat 24-Dec-16 09:19:50

You sound just a bit controlling. She's not the paid help, she is their grandma and she planned her idea (not yours) of a fun day.

TokenGinger Sat 24-Dec-16 09:28:22

If anybody is manipulating the situation, I would say it's you. You cannot plan somebody else's day for them and then be cross if they don't follow it how you want the day to go, even if you're not involved in it.

The kids had a good day. They were safe, happy and had fun.

In terms of letting you know in advance, that's ridiculous. Unless you have concerns for their safety around MIL/ex, them treating the kids to a nice day should not have to be run by you for approval, unless they're leaving the city.

LemonSqueezy0 Sat 24-Dec-16 09:30:03

I think there's some issues around control here- you've updated since the OP without saying why they 'aren't allowed' at your Ex's house so it does come down to beggars can't be choosers. Everyone's had a lovely day, don't be petty by picking fault in what has been done.

Ellisandra Sat 24-Dec-16 09:58:14

So it's OK for you to dictate that they sit around doing nothing all day, but not OK for them to sit around watching screens all day?

I can see why she'd rather be at her son's house than yours - he's her son.

I think the free babysitter gets to call the shots on activities (as long as it's not glue sniffing and joy riding). Unless there is a backstory, then YABU.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: