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Is this narcissistic or what the hell is it.......?

(8 Posts)
HiHoHeidi Sat 24-Dec-16 01:43:37

I need a handhold and a dose of reality/common sense in equal measures.

Backstory: My father has always been quite short tempered, lovely to neighbours but shouted, used bad language to us and bad tempered in the home. I can say quite truthfully that I cannot remember ANY happy times growing up. I was always quite fearful, never felt good enough, was frequently put down and generally seen as a bit stupid. I stayed in my bedroom most of the time as whatever I did was wrong. If I didn't eat dinner, I was shouted at. If I ate dinner, I'd be picked on for some other reason.

I left home in my early twenties and gradually started reducing the length of my visits there and then started reducing the visits themselves.

Then I had children. I figured it would be unhealthy for my children not to have some sort of relationship with their grandfather. So I went back for short visits. Some went well and some other I cut short as my children were seen as a disturbance. He is getting old and I tried to return once every two or three months. It took quite a lot of preparation to travel there and once we arrived there, he'd ask when we were leaving. I never went alone, always with my DH and children.

Recently he got quite seriously ill and we thought he was going to die. For the first time in many years, I went to the house alone without DH or my children. I didn't want them to disturb him and I knew they wouldn't be welcome at the time. I stayed there for two weeks, ready at any time to be called to his bedside to say our final goodbyes. He didn't realise I was there during that time and once or twice he told me to go back to my children. I assured him they were ok and I would return once he was better. He got over his illness and made a full recovery. On the day he was told he was 'better', he hurled a load of abuse at me. I was shellshocked. I think I still am. At the time, I said quietly that I am not going to stay to be yelled at and I walked out of the room. Shortly afterwards I packed my bags to return home. I looked into his room and he was sleeping. I walked out the door not saying goodbye.

Five hours later I arrived home and after trying to catch up on everything, I am now sitting now and I feel so hurt. DH has held my hand and has been great but I am shocked. I feel I am being dramatic but it has brought back a lot from my childhood and I hate leaving him without saying goodbye after him being so close to death.

I don't even know why I am writing this, maybe I'm hoping someone can explain why or what happened.

If he had never been like that before, I'd have said it was the illness, the scare, anything but scarily he was exactly as he used be years ago. I think I am shaking because it brought back so many memories I had closed off.

Tootsiepops Sat 24-Dec-16 01:47:27

I've no advice op, but it's late and you are distressed and I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I hope you find peace and can get some rest flowers

Cricrichan Sat 24-Dec-16 02:07:22

You are a wonderful lady, you ooze kindness and thoughtfulness. Your father does not deserve you and now that you have your own kids you can see how very wrong he treats you. Can you ever imagine treating your kids like that poor excuse of a father treated you?

Hugs op. Dh's mum is an absolutely awful narcissistic woman but he can't see it. We're programmed to love and think our parents want the best for us and it takes a long time to realise that not all parents are like that.

keepingonrunning Sat 24-Dec-16 02:57:03

Your DF is not the father you would like him to be. There is grief involved in accepting that, as well as the grief you are expecting to feel when he passes away, which you thought would be soon. Be prepared for a whole raft of emotions: regret, disappointment, guilt, anger, sadness.
You may find that when the time comes you actually feel relief because you are finally free to be who you are, without criticism.
Do not underestimate the effect your DF will have had on your emotional and mental wellbeing. You have grown up walking on eggshells for several decades which can be very damaging to your self-esteem. Ask your GP for psychotherapy and to be screened for complex PTSD.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's not your fault. flowers

keepingonrunning Sat 24-Dec-16 03:04:44

Books: Dr Karyl McBride "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" (about mothers but could apply to either parent); Pete Walker, "Complex PTSD".
MN Stately Homes thread here

HiHoHeidi Sat 24-Dec-16 10:15:24

Thank you all.

I'm wondering if I should telephone him to see if he is ok or just leave it and presume I will be called if anything should go wrong.

I'm disappointed that I'm stressing about this instead of focussing on my children.

0dfod Sat 24-Dec-16 10:32:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HiHoHeidi Sat 24-Dec-16 10:37:08

He has always been controlling, very much so. I always made a lot of excuses - his own childhood, circumstances, he had a hard life really.

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