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Help me grow a backbone please

(18 Posts)
Ineedstrength Sat 24-Dec-16 01:00:17

Just posting here for some moral support as I can't really talk to anyone in real life about this.
Have been in a ltr for 10 years (no kids). Partner is an alcoholic and is horrible when drunk. Verbally aggressive, depressed, suicidal. Have tried to support him every which way, but nothing has ever changed.

I finally made the decision to leave him and have put a deposit down for a flat in the new year.
Even though he agrees this is a good thing for us both when he is sober, when he's drunk he's angry about it, and since I told him my plan he has been drinking more and more.

Tonight he has been out drinking all day. Won't answer the phone or my texts. I just want to know if he will be home tonight so I can lock up if not, but he's ignoring me.

I should be able to think fuck it and lock the door and go to bed, but my anxiety is now so bad that I can't sleep anyway and would be waiting to hear him come home in case he causes a fuss and wakes the neighbours.

Supposed to be getting up early to go to my parents for Christmas tomorrow. I'll go by myself now but will be exhausted from lack of sleep.

Will also be terribly anxious whilst I'm away to think about what state he is getting into whilst I'm gone and if he will do anything stupid to himself or at the very least ruin neighbours Christmases by being drunk and loud.

Sorry for the ramble, just wish I could pull myself together and think fuck it.

ThirdThoughts Sat 24-Dec-16 01:16:39

Can he let himself in? Would you feel safe if he did so whilst you were asleep?

Would it be possible for you to leave for your parent's now if you would feel unsafe? Could you stay there until your flat is available?

Don't worry about the neighbours, their experience of him is much more diluted than yours and they can call the police if he makes a nuicense of himself.

You didn't cause this.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

You aren't responsible for him. You are responsible for you. Do what you need to do for you.

Ineedstrength Sat 24-Dec-16 01:23:32

Thank you thirdthoughts. I've turned the key so he can't get in unless I let him. So don't have to let him in if he shows up, but feel anxious that he will be angry if he can't let himself in.

I can't drive so have to wait to get the train to my parents in the morning. I could staye with them until flat is ready in a couple of weeks, but dad has just been rediagnosed with cancer and don't want to stress them out more, even though they wouldn't mind.

Also the way I feel now I don't think I have the mental energy to function if I have to put on a brave face around them for more than a couple of days, and I don't want to upset them to see how bad I really feel.

My own worst enemy really, just feel so rotten.

ThirdThoughts Sat 24-Dec-16 01:32:07

You know, if I was them, knowing that you were safe with us and not going back to live with an aggressive alcoholic with escalating drinking behaviour, that would make me worry less not more.

You don't have to put on a brave face anymore. You don't need to hide the extent of his behaviour. You are leaving him and you can feel bad and guilty about that at first. That's okay.

ThirdThoughts Sat 24-Dec-16 01:39:07

Not that you should feel bad about it, but that it's normal to have feelings like that. Supporting you whilst you make a positive change to your life may be a welcome distraction to all the medical stuff, plus you could be a practical help.

Ineedstrength Sat 24-Dec-16 01:45:15

Thank you so much, I k ow you're right. They'll just be devastated I didn't tell them how bad It is. I will take some extra things with me tomorrow and decide what to do from there. Just need to get through tonight now.

ThirdThoughts Sat 24-Dec-16 02:29:47

Good night Ineedstrength I hope you have an undisturbed rest.

You are strong you know. You have to have been to get this far x

ravenmum Sat 24-Dec-16 07:24:55

You will be able to think "fuck it" one day, but the stress you feel now is absolutely normal considering the situation. It would be weird if you weren't stressed out.

Reading what you have achieved I'm impressed and surprised you see yourself as weak. You have stood up to someone aggressive and started sorting your life out independently. Don't downplay your achievements.

I know that feeling of having had literally no sleep and going off to family occasions sad. But don't let that become another source of anxiety. This is exceptional circumstances and you are allowed to be knackered. Have you thought about some antihistamine type sleeping pills for when you really need to have had a night's sleep?

LobsterQuadrille Sat 24-Dec-16 07:39:01

How are you this morning, Ineedstrength? I hope that you managed to get some sleep. Did he come home?

I think you've been amazingly strong and calm in the circumstances. If at all possible, I would say stay with your parents until the flat is ready - you can give each other strength and some of your anxiety will lessen.

Have you been to Al Anon? They can provide a great support for partners/relatives of alcoholics.

I really hope that you have a lovely Christmas with your parents flowers

kateshair Sat 24-Dec-16 08:18:43

Hi op
You are strong like others have said you must be to get this far..
I was in the same situation to you two years ago. We have a daughter together !... I had to leave my home as ex would not even discuss splitting up never mind leave the house.. I rented and had to wait till house was sold and now am looking to buy onesmile....
I won't lie it has been tough... More financially than anything as I was worried sick our house wouldn't sell and it would mess up my credit ...
My ex though drank/drinks like a fish still works somehow !!
My guilt was more for my daughter than him though I still pray he will stop this drinking but I know he won't and I also know if he carries on like he has he won't survive...
Keep on op and leave you need to find some peace xxx

Ineedstrength Sat 24-Dec-16 10:29:32

Thank you all so much, I'm crying reading your kind words now. He didn't come home last night so I did mange to get some sleep. Just got through to him and he's still up and partying God knows where. I just hope that he comes back today so he can look after the dog as I can't take him with me. I feel so sad for thexample dog having to stay with him.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Dec-16 10:34:51

Could you arrange for a friend to have the dog for a few days ?

Softkitty2 Sat 24-Dec-16 10:45:41

Start living your life. You are not responsible for him

0dfod Sat 24-Dec-16 10:48:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThirdThoughts Sat 24-Dec-16 11:12:43

Could your dog be accommodated at your parents for your stay there, and perhaps fostered out to a family member or friend there?

ThirdThoughts Sat 24-Dec-16 11:17:14

Sorry just spotted the can't take him with you. Please ask your friends and acquaintances if they can take the dog in temporarily. It'll be a worry to leave it behind not knowing what state he's in or when he'll be back. I'd foster a dog at short notice in these circumstances if it was ok with children, many people would.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 24-Dec-16 11:19:02

Text him to say the dog is fed and walked and you are off to your parents. Don't even see him before you go. He will be back eventually. The dog will be fine. He's not violent towards the dog is he?

Ineedstrength Sat 24-Dec-16 11:56:42

Thank you all. No he's not aggressive to the dog but dog gets scared of his moods. MIL can't take the dog but I have told of the situation so she has a keyear to get in in case he doesnt get back. He knows I'm off to my parents now. Just so fed up of feeling shit. Wish I could fast forward a year and have this all behind me.

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