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Anyone else just got used to the lack of affection and intimacy in a marriage / partnership?

(21 Posts)
scaredoffallout Fri 23-Dec-16 23:56:40


Because that's how I am beginning to feel now. After years of really minding and wanting things to be different.

This year we have only slept with each other 3 times. I have since permanently moved out of our bed because a. Being unwanted really takes its toll and b. H sometimes has rages which though short lived, do lasting damage because of the things he says to me or the amount of time he stops speaking to me for afterwards.

However I now feel that I really don't care about any of it anymore confused. Is this normal? Am scared that without my sense of outrage, I am going to see out my days in this loveless marriage, mainly because I feel really awful at the thought of splitting the family (3 dc).

I think it gets to the point that the fact that you never touch each other is just your normal and your status quo, and that in any case together you provide physical stability for your children.

scaredoffallout Fri 23-Dec-16 23:58:05

It's as if the realm of sex, affection etc... is just not for me. Am 47. Is it all over for me?

Kr1stina Sat 24-Dec-16 00:00:21

He sounds abusive. Do you want to stay with him ?

SomeonesRealName Sat 24-Dec-16 00:07:58

He is abusive. The lack of affection is just part of it and not the worst bit either. The mental abuse you describe is a serious risk to your well-being. You say yourself he is doing lasting damage. This is not a healthy dynamic to bring up 3 DCs.

scaredoffallout Sat 24-Dec-16 00:10:35

It's difficult to know what's what. The last rage involved him shouting ARE YOU STUPID really loudly at me in front of 2 of the dc, over something small. Would that be a "rage" in everyone's book? I felt humiliated and like crying. This time he stopped talking afterwards but for the first time (aside from the usual first couple of days when I am feeling really hurt/cross and unable to talk) I too have stopped talking. Actually it's the second time that I have thought - two can play at this ostracism game. Whereas in the past the silence would make me really anxious and I would eventually be sending emails asking him to start speaking again, I now feel as if I really couldn't give a f* confused (pardon my swearing). In fact the ongoing silence has insulated me against any criticism or bad temper so in some ways its better.

I just find it a little strange that I no longer care about the silence. What is wrong with me?

I know that the relationship should end. I am scared of the whole process though, and of the massive upheaval, kids possibly not wanting to live with me at all, etc...

Justaboy Sat 24-Dec-16 00:11:08

Is this a reparable situation?. Have you tried any counseling professional advice and support?. Well if you have and its no further forward seems to me you'd be best to call time on it and yes , the children may well suffer somewhat but aren't they going to suffer as you are in this miserable situation?

scaredoffallout Sat 24-Dec-16 00:11:45

it's better

scaredoffallout Sat 24-Dec-16 00:15:06

We went to counseling about 3 years ago but he stopped coming after about 4 sessions.

I can't see him ever showing me any affection so in that sense I suppose it's not reparable.

I guess I known that we have also grown apart a lot. It would be much easier to divorce him if it was purely to do with his sometimes bad behaviour.

I am not happy about the dynamic the dc are witnessing either sad.

scaredoffallout Sat 24-Dec-16 00:15:40


Squeegle Sat 24-Dec-16 00:23:26

Very sad situation, but I think you know it has to end. For your sanity and the wellbeing of your DCs. How old are they?

scaredoffallout Sat 24-Dec-16 00:24:48

They are 10, 12 and 15.

ChristmasHat Sat 24-Dec-16 00:29:17

I don't think there is anything wrong with you! IMO you are recognising that what he is doing is harming you and you are protecting yourself. This happened with me too towards the end of our relationship, I started treating him just as he treated me, walking out in mid-sentence, shushing him when he was speaking, ignoring him when he walked into a room, turning the TV up when he began to speak, all of which he did to me but couldn't handle when the shoe was on the other foot, and this was a man who could give me the silent treatment for weeks. Mind you by this point I had already started counselling, spoken to women's aid and seen a solicitor.

He left in February and I am no longer walking on eggshells, I can be who I want to, sing, dance, play the music I like, I don't have to hide the things I want to keep anymore. My children, I will admit, have struggled with the split. As they are all teens I think it is harder for them to adjust and also because he played the heartbroken victim to a tee they felt very manipulated for a while but we are coming through and I am really looking forward to having a mad fun Christmas with the kids rather than the usual watching him and his family get pissed out of their heads while I did all the cooking and cleaning up.

It is hard to break up a marriage no doubt about it but I have not come across one person who was in an abusive relationship who has regretted it. Good luck. flowers

jeaux90 Sat 24-Dec-16 00:33:09

Scared. Read Christmashats last paragraph again. That. In spades xxx

Littlemissindifferent Sat 24-Dec-16 00:45:54

I feel the same as you op. No affection and have got used to it really. He blames me but he doesn't try either - always says he waits for me to make the first move. He doesn't respect me, is selfish in a time/father/husband sort of way but will buy us things (me and dcs) so doesn't see it.
We rarely argue but when we do he says I start it and it's my fault. He never apologises, I always do to keep the peace for the sake of our children. I think I dislike him but he makes me cry still, not sure why.
Hopefully I'll win the lottery so I can start on my own, I'm scared that I can't afford to without him.

Ndotto Sat 24-Dec-16 01:11:57

I feel the same as you OP. Years of OH's moods, absolutely zero physical contact or affection, refusal to socialise with any of my friends, putting up with his dysfunctional family has just left me numb. He pursues his writing 'career' and earns and contributes little, I work insane hours to provide for teen DCs. Used to get upset by his outbursts and lack of affection and now don't care. Funnily, the less I engage the more he makes an effort as he is financially dependent on me and despite not loving me (I assume) presumably can't be arsed earning a proper living. But it's too little too late for me. When youngest DC is 16 in 3 years I hope I have the courage to end it. But yes, it does seem normal after a while. But then I'll go and stay with friends with a happy marriage and feel sad at all I missed. A few years ago I remember a Christmas Eve with him snoring on the couch and me drinking red wine and crying as I wrapped presents, did the 'mince pie and reindeer food's stuff and did the stockings all alone when other families were posting on Facebook all the special things they were doing together. Now the kids are older, I get on with my work and social life and mostly don't give two f***s. But it's always sad at this time of year ... For the kids too. It isn't a good template for a happy marriage. I wish you well OP and hope you can work through this and find a way to grab some happiness for yourself xxx

BiscuitCapitalOfTheWorld Sat 24-Dec-16 01:33:51

He does sound abusive. I am so sorry.

That aside, DH and I have had our ups and downs over the years- fights, stresses, moving a lot, periods with no/low sex drives on either side, too much work, all the usual things.

What got us through hard times was that the physical affection has never stopped. Even in the middle of a huge fight, we've been able to have a cuddle if one person got distressed or upset. So no affection in itself would be a deal breaker for me, never mind the rages etc.

keepingonrunning Sat 24-Dec-16 03:16:34

You are in an abusive relationship - emotionally and psychologically.. Abuse is about a pattern of behaviour over a long period. Neglect is abuse and you are on the receiving end of verbal abuse periodically aswell. Consider that if he is abusive towards you and you have not realised, he is being abusive towards your DC too. It is not normal or healthy to walk on eggshells around a family member in an atmosphere of fear and intimidation.
Your reference to rages immediately made me think of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder.
This is no way for you and your DC to live.
I'm sorry to suggest that the reason he is neglecting you might be because he has other fish to fry - another woman/women. flowers
Be brave, be strong. You can do what you need to do for your own wellbeing and your DC's.

QueSera Sat 24-Dec-16 03:27:36

My gut feeling is that this is an untenable situation. You need and deserve physical affection and intimacy (both partners in a relationship do). Sadly i dont think a relationship can survive without this. Youre still young! Single life may be shit, but it would be an honest life. Youre the only one who knows the details, please decide in a way that doesnt allow fear to dictate x

keepingonrunning Sat 24-Dec-16 03:38:18

There is nothing wrong with you. You are adapting your behaviour in order to survive around him, he has you cowed.
You very definitely do have a bright future ahead of you at 47, for new opportunities and independence. However you are going to need support to get out of this marriage: family, friends, a good solicitor - get free half hour appointments with a few different ones to find one you can work with best. When you have DC your H will never be fully out of your life. You will need coping mechanisms to cope with the stress - exercise, yoga, seeing friends. In time do the Freedom Programme to avoid falling for someone like your H again.
There is a MN thread here about co-parenting with difficult people.
Phone Women's Aid to find out how to leave safely. Get your ducks in a row before you tell him, amassing important documents and sentimental items and asking someone you trust to look after them. (Search MN Talk for "ducks in a row")

m17362772 Sat 24-Dec-16 06:50:47

This is a mirror image of my mum and dads marriage. He was abusive verbally and with the long periods of silences after an argument (which happened at least one a month). As a child I grew up in a house of shouting, crying and weeks of silence. She eventually got to the stage of "two can play at this game" and turned the tables on him which actually made it worse. By now I was living away and hated visiting because they couldn't even be civil for an hour at times. It's telling that both me and my sister left home at 18 and never went back.

What you are doing is not protecting your children, it is damaging them for life. I am sorry to have to say that to you but that's the reality. When my dad died, she got worse. Bitter and twisted and not a very nice person at all.

You have one rationale choice in this situation, have the guts to do something about it or be like my mother the lifelong victim who turns into someone very bitter at her perceived wasted life.

MerryRealisation Sat 24-Dec-16 11:44:24

OP, I could be writing your post.
I've realised this year that I don't care about the physical attention from (d)H and I actually don't want it. sad
But I've also realised that I really do need something as I have been shown a tiny amount of affection from someone else recently and it's made me sadder than ever.
There is no physical violence but emotionally be is so very abusive and he just can't see it. His Dad was abusive to him, physically, emotionally and mentally. For a very long while I thought he would change. But it's getting worse and I don't want to fight anymore.
I was looking forward to Christmas but not so much now I have a tiny glimmer of what I deserve.
Reading all the other posts just clarifies it even more.
I don't feel special to him. But I've realised really recently I am and need more.
I've never felt so alone. confusedsad
PS - I've name changed for this

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